Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:

Ladies of today [Read it]


If you can shave your eye brows completely and draw them back with an eye pencil, don't ask for money to do your hair. Instead shave your head bald and draw the weave of ur choice.



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-04-13 01:02:21

676 Views




Akpos came home from school. Her mother asked, “Dear how was your first day at school?”

And Akpos replied, “First day? You mean I have to go back there tomorrow? No way!”


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-10-26 16:05:54

559 Views



Question tag [Read it]


 Teacher: Our topic for today is
question tag..
Example1: You have a bag,haven't
you?
Example2: He can't come, can he?
Now Who can make a sentence
using question tag?
Chidi: we go chop yam today
chopn't we?
Teacher: what?? This is terrible!
Who can correct that sentence??
Akpos: aunty no mind dat
yamhead!
we go chop yam today, yamn't
it??
How Many Like For Akpos smile emoticon 


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-06 10:11:12

334 Views




It is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.

~ John F. KennedyRelated

A shrieking car honk, and the thunderous roar of our gigantic iron gate as Ahmed pulled it open jolted me up from my sleep dragging me forcefully out of wonderland where i was frolicking with Alice.

I peeped through my window overlooking the compound and saw Amanda’s murano jeep pulling into the compound with evening sun reflecting on the shimmering chassis.
My heart sank and rose again sending blood gushing from my heart into Jnr sky “The goddess is back” I smiled to myself.

Hearing the front door open and close with a careless bang i knew she was already inside the house.
I fell back on the bed taking a quick scan of my sparkling room again like a rat in a mouse trap.

My door cracked open with a hard bang thundering open and amanda barged in almost immediately.
She was adorning a white tank top with lips designs of many colours, a black leggings hugging her laps tight running all the way down to her long straight legs which flowed tight in a black cover high heel shoes.

Her golden necklace bearing her name on it, a flowing extra-long hair going down to the back.
Those beautiful pair of eyes in a dark toned mascara and a pink gloss and white handless hand purse.

I sprang up from bed beaming with a hard smile and a popped eyes taking in all her upgraded features **She really changed some accessories…winks**

Amanda dove body full into me jamming my body tight in a wild embrace sending me crashing down on my back with her on top.
A yet wild and hard kiss followed immediately smearing her lip stick all over my lips, her tongue delving into mine.

“I missed you so much sky” She announced delving her tongue again into mine with full force with her right hand slipping down and grabbing junior sky through my boxer.
my hands grabbed her out of the world asses that are being contoured beautifully by the tight leggings she wore.

Giving the a-s a hard squeeze the back of my brain switched as a moan escaped her mouth into my ears.
On a normal routine with Joy, squeezing her a-s was not something i normally do, she being just a manageable size when it comes to her a-s region, but this goddess in my arms could make Nicki Minaj jealous with the size and beauty of her a-s.

Amanda’s lips traced down my chest, taking my smallish perky n-----s in her mouth twirling around it with her tongue sending chilly cold down my whole frame making me go numb with intense pleasure.

“Am so sorry about everything sky” She breathed out still working her lips on my chest tracing down my stomach and her hand still assaulting junior sky who was already begging to be set free.

“It’s ok, i am no longer angry” I moaned out, more like a groan intensifying my grip on her a-s.
**Who would stay angry in such situation.**

I felt amanda’s lips graze down my stomach heading towards my pubic region dragging my boxer down in a flash setting junior sky free from the fly.

She resumed her kiss on my lips, her tongue exploring deeper into my mouth, her hand rubbing up and down junior sky which now was throbbing hard from the intense pleasurable illegal assault.

I could swear i heard something like a car honk but it sounded very faint and passive.
We live in Independence layout one of the richest residence in Enugu city so car honkings were kind of an every second stuff.

I watched Amanda traced her lips now towards Jnr sky that was receiving a beautiful treatment from her soft baby-like hands.
I lay helplessly my whole muscles feeling numb and paralysed in a beautiful way.

I watched as her lips opened and descended on jnr sky swallowing it as far as her lips could go making my toes curl hard and eyes half closed in an involuntary manner. My head was sub-consciously nodding as i felt her cold yet warm mouth engulf jnr sky like it’s her possession.

My whole body stretched hard and my mouth flew open with mild groans flying out from the back of my throat in more like a froggy croak.
This lady has me at her mercy, she has clasped me hard in the clutches of her lust that i can’t see any hope of escaping.

Feeling myself nearing towards the finish line as her lips worked up and down my s---t twirling the tip expertedly.

I heard something like a thud announce from the door yet sounded faint
I shut my eyes tight, body stiffening hard i knew i was seconds away from blowing my load as i held her head tight as her lips made my s---t disappear and appear in a shimmering fluid manner.

“Nnam”

“Wait did i just hear a voice” my mind raced drifting me out of my hypnotized state.

“Nnam are you in” Papa’s voice was clear and loud this time and i could make out his thudding footsteps approaching my room from the stair case.

“Chisooooooooos” i blurted out .
Papa is back and is just a few steps away from my room now..

..To be Continued..
.
.
Sorry for the delay.
Drop a comment if u are still with me

>>

same Dog [Read it]


TEACHER: Akpos, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his essay?
AKPOS: No Sir, it's the same dog.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-10-29 08:20:15

132 Views




We don’t need everything to enjoy life……

We already have ‘Life’ to enjoy everything……
GOOD MORNING ????HAVE A NICE DAYRelated

MARA episode 24 [Read it]


I was really pray, right?
Great!
“But the enemy has turned my glory to story. He had made my life so sour. He has turned me to Mara- to bitterness” I cried on as I beat my laps in anguish
“Mara isn’t my name anymore oh Lord! Change my name!” I screamed aloud as if my life depended on the volume of my voice and of course it did depend on it.
“I forgive all the assailants but I really do want to live for you- the way you had intended it to be from the very beginning”
RIGHT! YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!
It was as if I heard a crowd of people clapping for me as I said that prayer point
ONCE YOU FAIL TO FIND OUT GOD’S PURPOSE FOR YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE GONE!
THE EARLIER YOU FIND OUT THAT PURPOSE, THE BETTER IT WOULD BE FOR YOU!
I cried out the more as it dawned on me that I had ought to have sought God’s purpose for my life earlier!
I had had many men and women preach to me on many occasion but never did I pay them any attention!
Never did I take them serious
The pianist played on, singing with all seriousness while I travailed on in prayers.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I was doing the “rightest” thing ever!
For once!
>>>>>>>>
As I said the last prayer of my long session of prayers, I looked outside through the opened window and it was stark dark!
The church had become illuminated!
I sat up and the pain in my tummy had drastically reduced
I smiled to myself
I needed a sign that God had heard my prayers now.
“If you have heard my prayers Lord and you want to reassure me, by the time I look at the floor, let there be no blood on the floor. Then would I believe you more” o said
I had heard that Gideon asked God for sighs from God
Moses did too!
I was only doing what the holy patriarchs had done!
I was more than justified!
As I looked down gradually, my heart started racing until my eye met with it, plainly, face-to-face…
My blood!
I was disappointed
I had really bled and there I was, seated in the puddle of my blood
God failed the first test!
NO, YOU FAILED THE FIRST TEST!
I heard the voice retorting and I sprung up suddenly, defying the mild pains in my tummy
I had to look around
“How?” I asked, moving towards the altar
The piano wasn’t sounding anymore and the pianist was on his knees, backing me.
YOU FAILED THE TEST OF FAITH!
How Lord? How?
FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU HAD A STILLNESS IN YOUR HEART AS YOU PRAYED…YOU FELT MY PRESENCE!
Oh yes Lord!…That’s so right!
YET YOU STILL ASKED FOR A SIGN!
SO, THAT WASN’T ENOUGH SIGN TO TELL YOU THAT I HAD HEARD YOU, HUH?
I gasped in realization of what I had been told through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
While we have obeyed God and we are on our knees praying and God says …”You are on point daughter. Come further”…we would start…we would pray like craze. Then, we would touch our pain, the swollen part of our diseased body and our already encouraged swollen faith would burst like a festering boil and like Peter, who looking at the waves after he had successfully started the On the water walk started sinking when he looked away from the master, we would start sinking too!
I just understood!
Hmmmmmm
YOU FAILED THE TEST OF FAITH!
It was a calm yet stern voice!
I was shaken!
I hoped sincerely that I hadn’t spoilt my hours of prayer with the faithless act and words of mine
“I am sorry Lord. I am sorry” I cried out aloud
“Thanks for hearing me oh Lord!” the guy said and started playing the piano again!
Has it been this guy’s voice that I had been hearing since?
Or had he been praying for me?
Why was it that everything he said and did correlated with all I was doing too?
What?
Why
“Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee…How great Thou art…How great Thou art…” the guy played on and on until I was confused
Why?
Because…
That was the song on my mind;
Because…
I was standing right in front of the guy and he wasn’t even bothered.
He wasn’t moved
He dint behave as if I was there
He didn’t flinch
This young guy should be up to 30 years and I am well over that…couldn’t he see that?
This boy is out-rightly spoilt!
He grinned
I was madder
He grinned yet
“You are here right? You are here to take me away abi?” he asked and I looked so confused
“Who?” I asked to be sure, looking around to be certain that it was only the two of us that was around
He rubbed his head softly as he grinned yet
“You, my mummy” he said and I was confused
He wasn’t looking up at me yet
“Mummy? Your mummy?” I asked, very puzzled
He smiled
“God told me that you would come for me today and you are here. Obviously doesn’t lie” he exclaimed, still facing down
I was more than confused
The stench from my already dried body fluid had irritated me and as I tried to decode whatever it was that was coming out from the young guy, I became more irritated.
Mummy?
Come for him?
Me?
Or someone come for me sef!
Or, did Adejare have a child outside wedlock?
What was he saying exactly?
What?
Why wasn’t he even looking at me at all?
Why oh Lord?
TBC


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The accident sent her cell crashing on the floor. She looked up to him, feeding her eyes for a few seconds.

He smiled at her, revealing white, perfect set of teeth. He offered him right big hand for a handshake.

Purity stood, watching him.
She bluntly ignored his smile and his hand waiting for hers. Her lips pouted angrily.
“Is your smile and hand gonna fix my phone?” she glared intently at him.

Jeremy dropped his hand. He felt stupid. “I’m sorry. It was an accident.”

His voice- deep, masculine and baritone.

“Do you know how much that cell cost? Oh, I’m sure you wouldn’t cause you probably don’t have and have never seen something like that.” she rolled her eyes and continued gibbering.

This Purity hadn’t change a tiny bit. She was still the spoilt rich brat he had known. But something was different. She was now a woman, very pretty. How could God give such beauty nd intelligence to an insolent being? She probably never knew he was Jeremy Broderick. He clenched his fists.

She was now saying nonsense which irritated him further. How was he going to silence this pretty witch. He hated noise and was getting it from her.

People began looking in their direction. “Miss,” he motioned her to look at the unpleasant stares they were getting. “Its alright. I’m sorry I crashed your phone, I’ll get you a new one.”

She ruffled her hair. Stood her ground. “No.”

“What?” he almost screamed.

“I said no. What’s about ‘no’ that you don’t understand?” she innocently questioned.

This was a difficult woman to deal with. He shook his head twice. “I don’t understand your ‘no’. I offered to buy you a new phone and you bluntly said ‘no’. What does your ‘no’ mean?”

She smiled faintly. “Just get me that exact phone? Fix it.”

“You’re being ridiculous. I can’t do that.”

“Me? Ridiculous?” she peered into his face. “I’ll show you what ridiculous means.”

She straightened up, and was ready to shout. People could call her mad or batty, she didn’t care. This man was getting on her nerves, just like her father. He was vaguely familiar, she just didn’t give a damn about it.

Purity opened her mouth, she couldn’t scream. She felt someone close to her, she sniffed the scent of his cologne, after shave and masculine scent. His mouth was moving on hers. Her eyes widened, she was being kissed!

Purity tried to push him- it was getting nowhere, he was stronger and hefty. The kiss deepened, Purity had to succumb to it. Her legs wobbled, she clung to him; if she let him go, she’d fall to the ground. She opened up for him, letting him access into her mouth. He held her firmly.

Returning his kiss sent electrifying sensations shooting through their souls, fire rushing through their blood. Blood rushing to his groin. He intensified the kiss with increasing passion, and she responded.

Jeremy broke the kiss. He met her gaze. From the way she stared at him, he could tell she wanted more. But he had to stop. He didn’t know what pushed him to it. She had wanted to scream, causing more noise and embarrassing him- he couldn’t let that happen. He had to do something.

Purity looked at him affectionately. Why did he have to end the kiss? I was starting to enjoy it. Foolish girl, a voice in her had scolded. What! He just stole my first kiss and I don’t know his name. Why did he do that? And how? How dare he? Doesn’t he know who I am? She touched her slightly swollen lips. Gosh! She was starting to get angry.

Jeremy chuckled. He took her by the hand and tried dragging her out of the restaurant. She didn’t move. He studied her, saw her legs were slightly wobbling- the effect of the kiss. He left her hand and gently swept her off her feet.

She didn’t resist. She only flushed.

When they got out, he let her down. She’d regained her sanity and was furious as a tigers. “Why did you do that to me? Who are you?”

He smirked. Ah, she didn’t know, if she’d known, she wouldn’t let him touch her. Now he’d kissed, touched and carried her.
“Jeremy Broderick. Your fiance.”

“What!” she was dumbsruck. She could speak. But if looks could kill, Jeremy would have been dead by now, she was sending him dagger looks. She hurried off to her car.

To Be Continued...

Your comment motivates me. Please care to drop one

>>

Teacher: Whats the difference betwee 0 and 8
Akpos: they are the same just that 8 is wearing belt




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-02 09:42:59

744 Views




A Chat With A Friend On Whatsapp This Morning,
Me: Stanley what's up?
Him (No Reply)
Me: How are you doing?
Him (No reply)
Me: Hope you are doing great?
Him (No Reply)
Me: How is life?
Him (No Reply)
Me: You remembered those babes we saw that day?
The one called Jennifer says she needs your number.
Him: Oh! Sorry, actually I was a little bit busy. Pekky
my girl, which Jennifer, the dark tall one with big
boobs?
Me: So you saw my messages and choose not to
reply. Anyway, is the dark green one called money.
Where is my money you are owing me? Lol


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-27 09:12:50

458 Views




who is more beautify?








NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-02-26 14:58:38

457 Views




Boy: I want to be in a relationship.


Girl: It’s okay but under one condition.


Boy: Which one ?


Girl : No sex, because I am preserving it for my future husband.


Boy: That’s okay, I also have my condition.


Girl: Which one ?


Boy: No using of my money because I am preserving it for my future wife!!!


Girl: Lo tum toh serious ho gaye… Arre I was kidding jaanu…Related

continues ……
I was feeling massive pain and becoming weaker that I couldn’t react and they stopped. I thought I was going to faint. Bruises all over my body. Two ushers came and drag me to one corner. The shirt I worn had badly torn due to the cane strokes. I guess they saw the way I was behaving and they got me locuzade boost and bread as they took me to one corner. Na so I begin cry. All parts of my body began aching me. I couldn’t even eat what was given to me. Immediately the usher left, I stood up and left the church. Thank God the gatemen were not at the gate. Na so I come out, call on okada man. Na so I find my way comot for their. When I got home, I was just staggering. The room door was open as I staggered into the room and on the floor. Ali was back. Ali started asking what happened to me. “See me, I no fit explain, tears rolled down my eyes.” I asked him to help me get my drugs near the bed. He got it for me. Na so Ali begin scream, “what happen nah, its it accident or?” There were blood stains on my shirt. I couldn’t answer all his numerous question. I didn’t know when I slept off.
It was when I woke up in the midnight, i started feeling hungry. I come dey demand for food. Thank God for the remaining rice wey remain, the one my friend Ali cooked. Na so I go pot carry the thing chop. The way I was behaving and the sounds I made woke him up. Na there I come explain wetin happen to me. Ali was terribly angry and asked for the men of God in the church to be arrested, but much of the blame was on me. Ali said I was a fool and too gullible to believe all the crap I was told by the church. “How can you cast out devil and demons by flogging someone!” Ali screamed at me. “Guy you fall my hand,” he repeated again.
Morning came and Ali took me to a nearby chemist for treatment. I no even get myself because the injuries on my back were much. The pastors that flogged me concentrated more on my back. All my eye come swear up. My lower lip swear up like kpomo. The cane still touch that side. “But part of me was still telling me that I was free after the cane flogging.” “Another part of me said I had collected 20 more heavy demons from the church into my life.”
What happened at the church made me look foolish. I was indeed gullible. Feeling that the strokes of cane would give me freedom but it wasn’t.
Days later, I was told that my house the family members were staying had become a shadow of itself. People had informed me that the family members chased away tenants and brought new ones. “Wetin I wan do?” with the way I was hearing they worship different kinds of deity in the house. I had too many problems on my head that I had less time to focus on the house issue. I was recovering from the physical bruises I got from the church deliverance, the strange headaches where not going. At a time when I spit, it would be a mixture of blood and saliva. What about the terrible dreams and nightmares. My life looked empty. I just felt like dyeing, that God should just take my life away. Ali encouraged me. He was still persuading me to come to their church. He was still inviting their church’s prayer group to come to the house to pray with me. But it seemed the prayers were not working at all. I just felt God doesn’t want to answer my prayers. I had made up my mind to tell Ali to stop his church’s prayer group from coming to the house to pray for me. The prayers no dey work.
This particular Saturday afternoon, I was laying on the bed when Ali came to meet me. He said one of their pastors saw in a vision that I was cursed. And my hands were tied and stained with evil works. He said that they (prayer group) said they will no longer be coming to the house to pray for me since I don’t want to confess all I had done in the past. “For my mind, I was relaxed a little because it seem the prayer group were wasting their time,” their prayers were not solving any of my problems. So make them stay their own. Na so Ali call me. He began narrating the history of our friendship, how we began. Himself believed what was wrong with me was not just ordinary. He began advising me that if I had any evil that I had done in the past, or I don kill person, make I confess. Na so I shout “Tufiakwa.” Say I never kill anybody before oo. “But what have you done in the past that is following you?” he asked. I kept silent for a while. He said I was hiding something from him. I told him I wasn’t. “Okay ooo” he said. He said he would not force me to speak.
Night came and I ate my food. There was electricity. I switched on the T.V and began watching.
I was walking on the streets of Ilorin when a military van from nowhere stopped infront of me. About 4 soldiers came off from the van. They grabbed me and threw me inside the van. I was shouting and screaming but they whined up the glass so no one could hear my shouts and cries. I began begging them to free me but they refused. They took me to an unknown river and dipped my head into the water. I was struggling to breathe as water entered through my nose and mouth. They brought out my head as I spilled water out of my mouth. I was begging them but dem no gree. Na so dem dip my head into the water again. They lifted up my head again. One of them asked to be given cutlass. They brought a cutlass to him. They tied me up like an animal to be used for sacrifice and placed me on the ground. I was begging but they just ignored me. They barely speak, but just torturing me. I even asked what I did but them no dey talk. The one with the cutlass lifted up his hand with the cutlass. As he was about hitting me the cutlass, I screamed. “What is that?” Ali shouted. “So it was a dream,” I said. Ali was looking at me like someone saying “no peace for the wicked.” I didn’t say anything and went back to sleep. Ali sef no ask me anything as he went back to him sleep. It looked as if I was alone in my problems.
In the morning, I picked up my phone. I was just playing with it and scrolling through my contacts when I saw the contact “Pator sam.” His number was still on my phone. Pastor Sam was the pastor I met at late Nuella’s place when I, Uchenna, and Abisoko went to settle with Nuella’s parents when they accused me of killing their daughter. He was the first person that put it to me that I needed deliverance because I was cursed. And he gave me his number then. I had almost forgotten it. “I had been running from so many pastors to another, yet no one fit deliver me. Some ate my money, others tortured me. Ali’s prayer group had told me couple of times that I was cursed.” Na so some talk but them no do anything. But no one apart from my former friends (Uchenna and Abisoko) were aware of what I had done in the secret. Ali had once told me that if I keep hiding it, one day it will still open and swallow me. “But how would Ali look at me after telling him everything I had done in the past?” “Telling him I had gone to several native doctors in the past.” I felt telling a distant person, confessing it to someone who was far away would be better. I imagined it, “if I come tell Ali and their church members, which kind eye dem go use dey look me.”
Many thoughts going through my mind while I was still staring at Pastor Sam’s name on my phone contact. I dialed the number and it said it was switched off.
The next day, I called Pastor Sam’s mobile number and it went through. When I introduced myself, at first he said he couldn’t remember who I was but after explaining much of our encounter the day he gave me his phone number, he remembered. He asked me where I was and I told him. After exchanging pleasantries, I told him I would love to see him. He asked me what I wanted to see him for. I told him it was really urgent and personal. He asked me to come to Lagos at his church office. He gave me the address.
Three days later, I was feeling weak but I still managed to travel to Lagos to meet Pastor Sam. I had earlier told Ali about my journey to Lagos. I only told him that I was going to visit a pastor friend of my late mom who asked me to come. Though he discouraged me from going due to my health status but I ignored it and went my way to Lagos. When I got to Lagos, I still called Pastor Sam to inform him I was getting closer. He still asked me to maintain the address he gave to me.
I got to the place and church Pastor Sam asked me to come to. It was a moderate size building which I presume can only accommodate 200 people. The church was painted green colour. I walked into the place because it was open. I met some people at the alter praying. I called Pastor Sam to inform him I was in the church. He asked me to wait because he was on his way to the church. I sat on a white chair in the church.
30 minutes later Pastor Sam arrived. He was surprise to see me. He asked me to follow him to his office. Na so I follow the man. He asked me couple of questions like what I was doing at that moment, if I had graduated. Well I told him. Finally, he asked why I wanted to see him. Na there I begin narrate story. I first reminded him of what he told me when we had an encounter at Nuella’s place. “That he said I was cursed and I needed deliverance.” “I narrated how I went into Yahoo yahoo business, the number of juju men I and my friends visited and the problems and challenges I was facing that moment. I even told him what transpired between I and the late Nuella, that I didn’t use her for money rituals as her parents had said.” After all I had said, he stood up and said he was coming and excused himself. He went out of the office. After like 10 minutes, he came back and sat on his chair. He said he had listened to all I have said. As he was still speaking, his phone rang. He picked it and told the person calling on the phone to come immediately, that he should hurry up. “Me sef, I come dey say abeg make the Pastor attend to me first before he begin do other things.” Pastor sam stood up again and said he was coming and left outside. This one I come begin wait for him, 5minutes pass, 10, 20 and the pastor was yet to return and I was still in his office. 35 minutes later, Pastor Sam returned and apologized for the distractions. He asked me to close my eyes, and I did. He prayed for me. After the prayers, he said before he would advise me and conduct deliverance for me, that I should go to the alter first and ask for forgiveness. I stood up and left his office and went to the alter to pray. After about 15 minutes, he sent someone to come and call me. Na so I stand come go back to Pastor office. I sat down. He asked me to wait that he was going to get something. Na so Pastor sam commot. I come begin wait. I was just hoping that we could finish on time so I could return to Ilorin that day. Sleep sef com carry me for the chair wey I dey. It was the opening of the door that woke me. The pastor walked in and called my name smiling. He sat down. Barely 3 minutes he came in, the door opened. Na 3 police people I come dey see. Before I knew what was happening, na heavy slap land for my face. One of the police men slapped me and I fell. ‘Health wise I wasn’t doing well, now this one!’ I was so weak after the slap that I was struggling to ask what I did. I lost my voice. I couldn’t understand what was really happening. While I was on the floor, the Pastor was telling them to take it easy on me. I tried to struggle but couldn’t. “Stand up,” one of the police officer shouted. Before I go even stand, one of them dragged me by the hand out of the Pastor’s office. As they dragged me out, i could see about 5 people. I managed to recognize one of them who happened to be Nuella’s father. They began raining curses at me, calling me murderer. The father said indeed he was right 3 years back when he said I killed his daughter Nuella and used her for my Yahoo yahoo rituals. I tried to explain but I had lost my voice. It looked as if the slap one of the police men gave to me affected my voice. Na so this people(police men) handcuff me come put me inside their van. I began crying because I never bargained for what I was seeing. “I didn’t know anyone in Lagos.” “What was really going on, I couldn’t understand.” I no even no anywere for Lagos. I was taking to a police station and stripped off my clothes. I tried telling them to allow me make calls to tell my relatives and friends where I was as I managed to speak. The police no gree. Dem just dey use slap scatter my face. They took me into a cell. “Oh lord have mercy. The scent, perfume, odour and smell coming out of that place. The smell was so bad that immediately I was pushed into the place, I began vomiting. There were 5 other people in the place. One of the inmates asked what was wrong with me. I was scared and thought they will beat me. I was so weak and felt tired.
Few hours later, it looked as if I would faint. I had already urinated on my body. The urine was a mixture of blood. Na there the guys wey dey inside the cell come dey shout make them come give me treatment. I was finally taken out of the cell to a place. I guessed they have an in house nurse abi na Doctor. They refused taking me out of the premises. A female doctor came to where I was placed. He was checking my body temperature. It looked as if I had started regaining my voice. I began pleading with the doctor to help me beg the officials to give me my phone so I could make calls. After much pleading, the doctor asked the police officers to give me my phone. The officers refused. Come see were the doctor com dey para for them. I began begging. I told them that I wasn’t feeling so well and I want to call my siblings to get me my drugs. After much pleading, they brought the phone and asked me who I want to call. They refused giving me the phone. Rather when I told them Ali, they dialed the number and placed it on speaker. Na there I tell Ali say dem don arrest me for Lagos. Before I fit explain finish, credit don finish. Ali called back. Though he couldn’t understand what I was saying because I never told him about Nuella’s case. He was not aware about my past so he sounded confused. One of the police woman there was kind enough to tell him the police station I was before the officers cut the call. Ali tried calling back but the police didn’t want to give the phone to me. They switched it off.
The doctor asked if I had taken any food, I told her I hadn’t. And seriously, I had not taken any food before leaving Ilorin. Na the woman send people go buy bread and butter for me. After eating, she injected me. I no know when sleep come carry me.
I woke up the next day. I wasn’t returned to the cell. I was placed on a small bed in a room in that premise. I was still not feeling healthy. I called on one of the officers to ask why I was arrested. He was part of the people that came to arrest me. The only thing he told me was “that when I get to court I will know why I was arrested.”
I was later returned back to the cell. I wasn’t feeling the cell at all. My appearance, the way I act sef. Even some of the inmates told the officers to come take me out of that place because I might die.
2 days later, one of the warders came to call me that someone wants to see me. They opened the cell and I came out. Na my friend Ali. I was happy that at least someone had come to bail me. But It was all dawned on me that I had been exposed. With the few minutes Ali was given to spend with me, I was able to be brief and explained what had happened when I came to Lagos and what transpired between I and Nuella. As we were there, Pastor sam and Nuella’s parents came in. It was there I got to know that it was the pastor that informed Nuella’s parents that I confessed I was a Yahoo yahoo boy. The Pastor tell them wetin I tell him. Na there my yansh come open for were Ali dey. I tried to defend myself as they accused me of killing Nuella for ritual. I began crying ooo. I was disappointed with the Pastor. I never believed he would go tell people what I told him. “Right from when I had been having these problems, Pastors have been conning me. Fake pastors.” I only came there for confession but ended up in police cell. Ali sef com dey disappointed in me, though I loved his maturity at that moment. He didn’t try to castigate me for not knowing all about the happenings in my life that moment. As I wept bitterly, Ali consoled me and assured me that he would try everything possible to get me out in no less than a week. I was bundled back into the cell.
As Ali had promised to help get me out within days. I waited for days; and days turned to weeks. Weeks turned months and I was still locked behind bars. What looked to me like a small issue that could just be settled turned into a big problem that I was asked to get a lawyer. Ali and friends, even the prayer group I rejected were all supportive. Infact the prayer group, I began accepting them. Ali will bring them from Ilorin to come and pray for us in the cell. Ali comes to see me once every 2 weeks. He will tell me how far he had gone for the settlement of the issue. Nuella’s parents were still being adamant. Dem no wan let go. At a time the lawyer Ali got was rejected and bail options turned down. Na so I stay for cell. Ali said the best option was to put in prayers and to still dialogue with the deceased parents.
As time went on, it looked as if my health was improving. I had almost forgotten that I came into the place with a serious health problem. But I was getting used to the place even though I didn’t like it. But my life seems to be changing for a positive.
5 months still in cell. One particular morning, I was called up that I had a visitor. “Who can the visitor be apart from Ali. Na so I follow come reach there. It was a shock who I saw, I couldn’t believe my eyes. That was Adaobi, Nuella’s friend that took my money away. Immediately she saw me, she wanted to hug me but the police officers blocked her. “With the stench from my body, my dirty clothes na im this girl wan hug me.” I had even forgotten everything that happened between us. Immediately the police moved away from blocking her, she hugged me. “Shey na your babe nih,” the officer said. She freed me and stared into my eyes with pity. Tears rolled down my eyes as we sat. “5 minutes ohh,” one of the officers said. I asked her where she had been all the while. She said she was in Enugu and had gotten a job at the Bank. She now works in a bank. Na there she come dey narrate wetin happen to her the time wey I give her money for her mama surgery. The police officer close by said the time was up and I need to be taken back into the cell. Na so Adaobi bring out N500 from her pulse come give them. Na so dem begin hail her for their come free me with her. Adaobi said that even the money I gave to her for the surgery, when they embarked on the first phase for her mother’s eye, after the surgery, her mom went blind immediately. Two weeks later she died. “Me sef come dey blame myself.” “The money wey I make for yahoo yahoo, I no use am do better thing.” People I gave to, the money didn’t solve their problems but rather led them into more problems, disaster.” Adaobi said they later left Lagos and moved to Enugu, she and her family. I told her that I later tried her number and it was no longer going through. I even came back to their place in Lagos and I was told they had moved out of the compound. “She said she lost her phone, and she wanted to contact me but after the burial of her mom, she was so devastated and heart broken. When she got a new phone, she didn’t retrieve the old mobile line back. She changed number and finally got a job at a new generation bank in Enugu.” After much talk about old time, she told me how she got to know about what happened. That it was one of Nuella’s siblings that called to tell her that I had been arrested because I used her sister for ritual. Na so tears rolled down my cheeks again. I told Adaobi that I never killed Nuella. She only came to visit me at Ibadan and we were on our way back to Abeokuta when the accident occurred. She said she believed me but she was highly disappointed in what I had done. “So I was into internet scam all those moment but I lied to them that I was into forex trading and online business.” Na so she begin blast me ooo. Adaobi wey dey play gentle and friendly as we dey talk come begin scold me. I even knelt down and asked to be forgiven for deceiving them. She said it’s only God that can forgive me and not her. I even ask that she help so I could be released. She said she had already gone to see the family (Nuella’s family) and releasing me was in the process. I was happy, after 5 months. So I go see outside. But she said that she was still begging the family to consider me. She encouraged me to remain hopeful and prayerful. I couldn’t tell her what I had gone through all those years but I had learnt my lessons. She left and I was taken back to the cell
That night, I had a dream. In that dream I was going on a journey. I got to the place and got what I wanted. As I was returning back, I saw flood, large pool of water on the way. I began wondering, “was it not the road I passed few minutes back? How come there was a massive flood covering the route.” Because when I was coming on the journey, there was no single flood there. It was a dry land. But as I come dey return, water come full everywhere. I stood there thinking of what to do and how to cross to the other side. But I noticed something; the water was drawing nearer to me as I stood. As I was moving back the water would be drawing towards me and was expanding. Before I knew what was happening, it was just like a mighty wave pushed the water towards me with a force and it began swallowing me. I was deep into the water. I began shouting and crying why I was experiencing all those. As the water was about covering me, I woke up. I was sweating profusely. I prayed.
I remained strong. I had accepted responsibilities for my actions and all I had done, and I had learnt my lessons.
2 months later, I was inside the cell when I was called to take my clothes because I would be released. I was so happy. When I came out of the cell, at the stand of the police, I met Adaobi and a lawyer with Nuella’s father. Looking at Nuella’s dad, he wasn’t happy at all. His eyes were red. I walked towards him and knelt down infront of him. As I was begging to let “by gone be by gone.” He asked me to stand. The police gave me a form to sign and even the lawyer. They said I was free. After everything, I came to realize that Adaobi had been working so hard to make my bail possible. She was even the one that got the lawyer. She said she had to plead with Nuella’s family to let go.
As we left the place after 7 months in the cell. The police sef no give me my phone and wallet. They said they don’t know where it is. I don already understand. Dem don sell those items. Adaobi had gotten a shirt and a trouser for me. She took me to one of the eatries. Na there bathroom I bath come change my cloth. I look my sef for mirror and realize that I had changed physically. But after the bath and wearing new clothes, I looked a bit better unlike when I looked tattered. We sat on one of the chairs as we ate. Adaobi asked if I knew why she fought for my release. I told her I didn’t know why. She said it wasn’t because I was not guilty but because I have a good heart. She tried to remind me what I did for her. The money I gave to them for their mother’s surgery. But unfortunately, their mother died. That single reason made her want to help because I didn’t really deserve help with so many atrocities I had committed. She encouraged me and asked me to come with her to Enugu that she would help me secure a job and admission. I had already told her that I was in FNG 2 (Final non graduating for second year running) and I missed the exams so there was no chance for me again in FUNAAB. If not for the 7 months in the cell, I would have written the 2 carryover courses and pass it. But as the thing be, I missed the exam so na “certificate of attendance” dem go issue to me.
Adaobi still insists that I come with her to Enugu, I should change environment. She said I should leave Ilorin. I told her I will think about it and get back to her. After chatting for some time, she wrote her phone number on paper and handed to me and she gave me N5,000 for my transport back to Ilorin.
I went to the motor park and went to a business center were I called Ali to tell him I had been released. He was so happy.
When I got to Ilorin, I told Ali all that happened and how Adaobi said I should relocate to Enugu. Ali encouraged me and said it was a good idea. He even said I should forget about the house I build in Ilorin. “Indeed he is right”. I wasn’t going to go back to the house I built. This was a new me. I was free. It looked as if heavy weight was lift off me. The house was old me which I built with dubious means. Ali began telling me that even the house had been deserted. My mom’s relative had left. He said he heard that 2 of them ran mad in that house and others had to run for their lives. And weed had taken over some sections of the house. I still insisted that I wasn’t going to go there. The house reminds me of past, weird and evil memories.
A month later, I took my things and moved to join Adaobi in Enugu. They had a family house which I stayed. Adaobi was planning for her marriage to her beloved man. She even introduced me to him. They were very supportive and helped me got a job as a clerical worker in one of the ministries. She even helped register and paid my school fees at the National open university (NOUN) were I gained admission to start all over again.
Few months later, I got a message on my whatsapp. When I checked it, it was from an international number. The message read;
“Guy how far, this nah Uchenna, U.C money. I dey Yanke now. Lets talk business”
Immediately I saw it, I checked the display picture and it was indeed Uchenna my former friend. I felt like replying but something said I should ignore it. I just ignored the message.
Two days later, another message came in from the number telling me he has business worth millions to discuss with me. Something in me told me it was a temptation and I shouldn’t yield in. I looked at the message for a while and deleted it. I removed the sim and destroyed it. I went and bought another sim with another number. “Gbadebo has truly changed. I didn’t want to go back to my old ways. I have a new life and a new me. All my mates we started together had gone far ahead of me; but I had learnt my lessons and moving forward to a better life and a better tomorrow.
THE END….


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Fat woman chaii [Read it]


One fat woman,as fat as she can be,if you are watching a season film and she pass in front of your t.v at that time,belief mi,u will miss like 13 episodes


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-19 15:31:51

204 Views




Diane goes to the doctor, and says:
"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll
have to take my clothes off to show
you." The doctor tells her to go behind the
screen and disrobe. She does so, and
the doctor goes round to see her when
she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies.
"These two green circles have appeared
on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally
admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, "Does your
boyfriend wear earrings?" The woman blushes and says, "Well,
actually he does." "That's the problem," the doctor says.
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold!"
#BOLLY_SMART ?? ? ? ? ? ??™


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-24 02:04:31

394 Views




Three guys were gisting at a beer parlour.
The first guy said when my wife was
pregnant she was reading a book; a tale of
two cities and she gave birth to twins.
The second said his wife was reading the
three musketeers and she gave birth to
triplets.
The third guy dropped his beer bottle and
started running home.
When they got to his house they saw him
burning a book and they asked why.
He said his wife was reading Ali Baba and
the forty thieves and she is pregnant……
not in this house ……it can not happen

still #holaroluwa™



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-12-15 12:24:17

467 Views




Biola came back to my place on Tuesday
and stayed till Thursday evening before
going back to her parent place as she
told me that grandma will be coming on
Saturday. My mum has started talking to
my dad to shift his stance on me and biola. Sunday was here already, Biola
told me her grandma came on Saturday
but had not met with her dad. Me: so, when are they meeting now? Biola: Definitely today because she will
be going back to Ijegun this evening Me: Did you find of from mumsy if she
try talking to him? Biola: she didn’t oo, she said she does
not want to talk about it so that popsy
will not know that his mum was around
because of this same issue Me: Yes..that is better, it’s a nice idea Biola: I just hope everything will be
sorted out today Me: Don’t worry dear, everything will be
fine baby, lets put our trust in God and I
believe he will answer our prayer Biola: Amen…less I forget baby, I will be
going to Ajao Estate today Me: What is happening there? Biola: I want to go and take some of my
cloth and my credentials out of the
place, I want to bring them to your side Me: Your credentials are still there? Biola: Yes Me: So, when will you be coming back? Biola: Am coming home this evening
now, abi when was the last time I slept
there since we reconciled? Me: Ohk..i will be expecting you baby Biola: Thanks dear… Me: You are welcome baby Biola: Am even thinking if I can see the
landlady when I go there..the house rent
is wasting, I don’t know if we can
consolidate things and rent the place to
another person or if the landlord can
refund us back what we have not used from the money Me: Do you know I was thinking of same
thing this morning because money is
wasting there and you are not saying
there like that again. The money will be
useful for something else.How much did
you pay as rent? Biola: They collected 400k for 2year,
agreement and commission 100k
making 500k and have not used up to 3
month Me: then we have to give him option
either to vacate the place and put
someone else the place or the landlord
will rent the place out on its own to be
able to collect a new agreement and
commission fee for the place. At least he will have extra 100k. Biola: That is nice idea, I think I should
give him that two option which I know
he will want to go by getting a new
tenant on it own because the house is a
good house and people do come to
check if there are vacant flat Me: If we can recoup 300k from the
money it will go a long way Biola: Very long way dear..grandma has
started talking with dad in the parlour, I
want to go and listen to them dear Me: Okay baby, I will talk to you later
then Biola: I love you so much baby Me: I love you too dear I ended the chat with Biola and was
expecting a feedback from her later in
the day, I started preparing for
Monday’s work. I was in the sitting room
when my phone started ringing, I
checked the phone and it was an unknown number Me: Hello Caller: You ehn?you think you can use
and dump me abi? I will show you what
am made of, I will show you am from
this town..you will think you have gone
scot free abi? You think you can
humiliate me and just forget me?just like that? Me: Please, who is this? I think you are
calling a wrong number Caller: You are mad, you are crazy, you
and that your biatch will definitely hear
from me, you will see me, you will
realize made am made off, you have
sent my video everywhere abi? They will
start playing your own too all over the world, oloshi oloriburuku The caller cut the call, I didn’t think
twice before I started guessing it was
Mary that called me, I was just
wondering why the threat. But she
mentioned something about the video,
who else would have gotten access to the video beside me and Biola? Have
never been careless with my phone for
someone else to see it and am very sure
biola will never do that too..i will even
ask her if we talk later in the day


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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I went for a job interview..........the following conversation ensued:
Interviewer: what is your name?
Me: duke.
Interviewer:where were you born?
Me:port-harcourt.
Interviewer: which part?
Me: what do you mean by which part the whole body was in portharcourt.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-10 11:29:20

559 Views




1) Only in DoroBuci Video that someone will play Golf at Ikoyi Lagos Nigeria and it will land at white house Washington DC USA.
2) When your life is in Darkness, pray to God to free you..if u are still in darkness after praying..please pay your electricity Bill.
3) Girls with Bow Legs wearing Leggings Be Like PLIERS.
4) If you Marry a Girl that can`t cook.. Bros your case is at Mr. Biggs
5) The way Manchester City is going down..they will soon discover Oil
6) Guys, when a girl say you are the best man in her life, don`t be surprised to see yourself standing beside her husband on her wedding day.
7) Seeing girls with half of their Boobs showing on Social Networks is like MTN advert, you see it everywhere you go.
Relationship nowadays: Love at first sight, Sex at first Night and Break up at First Fight.
9) If u snap with with digital camera and you still look ugly, my dear forget it, your ugliness is Peak Milk Cos It`s in you. 10) Girls that lost their Virginity cos of Iphone 5 and BB
10. Now that Iphone 6 is out what will they offer?
11) The best way to know a Nigerian Girls real name is to ask for her account details...that is when Natasha Hills turns to "Chinasa Okoro .
12) You don`t have to be in the UK to be OK..help comes from above, not from abroad.
13) Garri should be in the first aid box..that thing save lives.
14) To The Ladies, If As A Child You were Not Featured As A Little Bride In Someone Wedding, Then You Were Very Ugly As A Child.
15) Even If You Are Just Out From A Prison An Average Nigeria Girl Will Still Ask "What Did You Bring For Me?".
16) PDP members that`re decamping to APC is this the "CHANGE" they`re talking about.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-03 16:22:00

3034 Views




Charo taraf goliyan chal rhi thi

.

.

.

Isi beech Australian Team nikalti hai

.

.

.

Police wala puchta hai aap log ko

darr nhi lagta ???

.

.

Austrailian team :- Goli se darr nhi

lagta sahab, Kohli se lagta hai

????Related

The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.

~ Margaret AtwoodRelated

She went closer to Chris’s door and pushed the
opened.
Chris was trying to force a kiss on Mansa, but from the position where Mrs Amposah stood, that’s
Mansa’s back facing her, it looked as if she was
the
one going for the kiss.
Because Chris had an advantage of seeing his
mother enter into his room, he quickly pushed Mansa away and started passing comments.
“Stop forcing yourself on me, how could you do
this?” Chris shouted at Mansa.
All this while he was pretending he had not seen
his mother at the door.
“what’s going on here? Mrs Amposah said. “Mother, its good you are here, i don’t know what
has come over Mansa, she is all over me” Chris
lied.
His mother was never opened minded, not only
did he trust Chris but he also doubled up as her
favourite son. “Oh so this is your plan to destroy this family
right?
Now tell me, who does this belong to” Mrs.
Amposah asked Mansa, showing her the
pregnancy test kit.
Mansa got frightened with the look on Mrs. Amposah’s face.
She was in dilemma, this wasn’t the right
moment
to tell her about the rape case.
She will definitely not believe her, taking into
consideration what had happened. Chris was accusing her that she was forcing herself on him
and now the pregnancy test kit was another issue
she has to clear.
This was going to be a difficult one for her. She
needed a helper, all she could think of was for
God to come to her aid.
She stood there as her words choked her up.
Words became heavy for her to even say. Silence
was the only option.
Mrs. Amposah got closer to her and asked her
again “who does this kit belong to? Mansah are you
pregnant? She asked.
Mansa stood there still silent. Tears began
running
down her cheeks. Before she knew it Mrs.
Amposah was quick with her hands, she gave her heavy slap that even got Chris sympathizing with
her.
Mrs. Amposah then gave the kits to her to go and
check right away to see if she was pregnant or
not.
She wanted to be sure of Mansa’s status since she was not answering her.
Mrs Amposah followed her to the washroom
room, and stay behind the door to ensure that
she
did the test.
After some few minutes, Mansa came out of the washroom looking very sad.
As soon as Mrs Amposah saw her, she snatched
the already used kit from her.
Two red lines indicated on the test kit. Mansa was
confirmed pregnant.
“Mansa, you are pregnant!” Mrs Amposah said. “Mum, I can explain, i… ” Mansa said but was
interrupted.
“I am not your mother, how many times do i have
to tell you that. Look, you better tell me who is
responsible for that thing in your womb” Mrs.
Amposah cautioned her. Meanwhile Chris was also anxiously waiting for
them at the living room when all of a sudden,
Asabea came in crying.
“Hey what are you doing here, don’t you have the
manners to call before coming” Chris asked.
“How could you Chris? you are the only guy i have ever known in my entire life, how could you?
Asabea who was in tears said.
Chris had no idea of what she was trying to say.
“what are you talking about Asabea?” Chris
anxiously asked.
Asabea handed a paper to him. “what is this” Chris asked.
“Can’t you see for yourself Chris, that’s the result
of
a test i conducted at the hospital, Chris am HIV
positive” She revealed.
“What? What do you mean? Tell me this is a joke” Chris asked. He couldn’t believe his ears.
“Chris, you are the only guy i have ever known. If
its through s-x that i got infected, then its from
you” Asabea.


>>

Quotes [Read it]


Everyone has a sense
of humor. If you
don't laugh at jokes,
you probably laugh
at opinions.
#Goodmorning


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2017-01-10 19:07:36

319 Views




A Girl Returns Home After 30 Years.


FATHER: (Angry) Where the hell have you been all these years?!
GIRL: I was working as a Prostitute in Abuja.
FATHER: What!!! Get out of my house you Whore! I don't want to see a your face again do you understand?!
GIRL: (Crying) Before I go dad, I came to give you N10million cheque, and here is N2million for my brother. I have bought a big house in UK for you with everything in it including a Ferrari and a Bugatti. Bye dad.
FATHER: What kind of work did you say you were doing?
GIRL: (Crying out loud) A prostitute dad!
FATHER: Come and give daddy a hug, I thought you said you were a 'PROSECUTOR'.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-10 06:40:45

232 Views



Smile Poem [Read it]


A smile costs nothing, but gives much.

It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give.

It takes a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor, but that he can be made rich by it.

A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship.

It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature’s best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone, until it is given away.

Some people are too tired to give you a smile;

Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.

~ Zig Ziglar

Have a nice weekend!Related

Santa: Inspired by the Parliament, I have just passed a motion myself.Related

Ha cho irim









NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-06 17:34:12

1621 Views



fact [Read it]


If the children of Israel were Nigerians,
they would have wasted d whole day in d
red sea taking pictures and updating on
facebook saying "chilling with moses",
"miracle tins", "crossing mode activated,"
"bruzing on the red sea on my mind"... True or False??. good morning palzz ...Welcome 2 ma month of birth. ...5th 5 is ma day


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-01 08:53:44

461 Views




DIFFERENCE BTW AN AMERICAN FACEBOOK POST AND A NIGERIAN FACEBOOK POST.

AMERICAN POST:

Hello, my name is Sandra Stone, I am from New York, I love my husband so much and I can do Anything to please him...But recently I am falling for his cousin, what should I do?

COMMENTS:

*James Silva : I think u need to talk to your husband because marriage is all about communication.

*Sarah water : Oh my dear,sorry abt that.. Have been in your shoes before, I had to wake up and face the fact that I am married.

*Michael paper : well just remove your mind from him and make your husband do the things you like in his cousin..

NIGERIAN POST:

My name is Hannatu, i stay in Abuja, married with a kid, I think I am falling for my husband's cousin! What should I do?

NIGERIAN COMMENTS:

*Dayo muyiwa : Fool, love na food?

*Nkiru joy : You are a disgrace to womanhood..shame on u.

*Idris kunle : Any news about ASUU strike?

*Toheeb sule : If u want to fall for me too, call my no: 0708312455

*Funmi Leye: I no blame u at all, better go find something do with your life, fall koor, stand nii

*Richard oke : Abeg who get bb charger (pin mouth)

*Mallam Audu : Allah ya tsine miki! Anya ke yar Musulma ce kuwa? Allah ya kyauta

*Tony Big boy: Gaskiya u r so cute pls Add me

*Amaka Achebe: U r a prostitute, u need a deliverance! ????????????????
????????????????????????????????????


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-04 12:38:43

382 Views



3 Heavy Slaps [Read it]


A Man went to the Police station in Lagos to report a
robbery incident...
MAN: I was robbed to at gun point!
POLICE: What happened?
MAN: Someone snatched my wallet. I was about to
shout "thief" when 3 heavy slaps landed on my face. I
didn't see anything for 30 minutes except stars!
POLICE: Can you describe the stars?




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-07-07 13:29:19

414 Views




Best conversations always happen late in the night but you better have a nice sleep now.

Good Night!Related

A man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

The man asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-03 16:58:38

1176 Views




Internet Chat and Browser History deleted; and also Whatsapp Gallery and Videos.

Bass Ho Gayi Hamaari Diwali ki Saaf-Safaai!

Happy Diwali!Related

Little Johnny [Read it]


Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like
the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there
were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone
and the third was sucking her cone, which one is
married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-11-15 15:12:39

404 Views




Goodluck Jonathan

“Civis Nigerianus Sum” - I am a citizen of Nigeria.
A Speech by H.E. Dr. Goodluck É EOE Jonathan,
Former President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.
Delivered at Bloomberg Studios, London, United Kingdom.
Monday, 6 June 2016
Since leaving office one year and one week ago, I have had the luxury of time to be able to reflect on the future of my great country, Nigeria.
So today is not about my personal memories or a litany of ‘what ifs’. No! Today I would like to share with you what I believe is the key learning from my experiences for the future of democracy not only in Nigeria but also across the entire continent of Africa.
I said before the last election that my political ambition was not worth the blood of one Nigerian.
I was true to my word when on March 16th, 2015, just after the election, when the results were still being collated by the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC), I called my opponent, General Muhammadu Buhari (rtd) to concede, in order to avoid any conflict and ensure a peaceful transition of power.
This was without precedent in my country and I am proud that it achieved my goal of no conflict arising from the result of the election.
Some may think it is ironic that perhaps my proudest achievement was not winning the 2015 Presidential Election. By being the first elected Nigerian leader to willingly hand over power via the ballot box, to the opposition party, without contesting the election outcome, I proved to the ordinary man or woman in the country that I was his or her equal.
That his or her vote was equal to mine, and that democracy is the ‘Government by the will of the people’, and Nigeria, and indeed Africa is ripe for democracy.
It is my sincerest wish that democracy continues to be consolidated in the continent of Africa and it will even get better.
For it has always been my consistent desire to help consolidate peace and cultivate democracy in Nigeria and across the Continent.
In fact, it was the key foreign policy objective of my Administration when we were able to help broker peace and restore democracy in Niger, Mali, Guinea Bissau and Cote d’Ivoire.
¬ In Niger – The first challenge that confronted ECOWAS when I was Chairman in 2010 was the military intervention there. We were able to resolve it through sheer determination and prudent consultations which paved the way for the country’s return to constitutional rule and democracy.
¬ In Mali – As the Co-mediator of the effort to return the nation to democracy after a surprising military take-over, I was the only sitting President to visit Mali and meet all the stakeholders in the early and difficult times of the crisis.
I ensured that Nigeria played the leading role in all the negotiations coordinated by ECOWAS. Our efforts produced a political timetable for the holding of democratic elections. I was happy that our work led to the historic Peace and Reconciliation Agreement signed in Bamako on 15th May, 2015, which I was privileged to witness.
¬ In Guinea Bissau, a nation known for its long history of political crises. As leaders of ECOWAS then, we worked hard to bring about peace by building international consensus around a transition arrangement. This led to the full restoration of constitutional order in the country. After leading the negotiations that produced an interim government, Nigeria provided both financial and logistic support, making it possible for a successful election to hold. The process produced a democratic government that is currently running the country.
¬ In Cote d’Ivoire, in 2010, ECOWAS, under my leadership, demonstrated its commitment to enduring democracy, by standing firm behind the winner of the Presidential elections. The winner H.E. Alassane Ouattara, assumed his rightful place as President, and went ahead to provide quality leadership not only to his country, but also to ECOWAS as its Chairman.
As the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and a key actor in ECOWAS, we were also able to encourage peaceful elections in Sierra Leone, Liberia and Togo. //
And today, the focus of my energies is to uphold democratic principles, promote peaceful political transitions and support citizen entrepreneurship and intra-Africa trade. These are precisely the objectives of the Goodluck Jonathan Foundation.
We will achieve this by working with African Governments, the private sector, civil society and other friends of Africa to galvanize action towards improving our societies and making a change in the lives of the ordinary people in our various countries.
We will work for good governance by promoting credible and transparent elections, as well as peaceful power transfers. I have no doubt that this is the basic requirement we need for strengthening our institutions and enthroning stability.
Our interest in youth and women entrepreneurship is driven by the urgent need to create jobs for Africa’s teeming young population. To this end my Administration championed various initiatives and programmes, including the “Youth Enterprises with Innovation (YouWin), which encouraged young people to go into business, and the “Nagropreneur” programme, which encouraged them to go into mechanized agriculture.
Beyond job creation, Nigeria like other developing countries, faced the challenges of corruption, which is a stumbling block to the development of nations.
I think it is important to let you know my administration took many steps to curtail this scourge, in the areas of Finance, agriculture and petroleum.
To take just one example, we drastically reduced corruption in the agricultural sector with the help of a simple mobile phone.
We achieved this by providing an e-wallet to farmers which grew the percentage of registered farmers receiving subsidy from 11% to 94%. And in the process we were also able to save billions of naira in fertiliser subsidies.
Through our Agricultural Transformation Agenda, we greatly boosted food production and saved almost a trillion naira on food imports.
This one initiative had the benefits of improving food security, creating more jobs and reducing inflation to its lowest levels in over 5 years.
Our ambition was to sanitize the corruption in petroleum subsidies by completely deregulating the sector. However, our efforts were frustrated by unhealthy political resistance.
Consolidating democracy and the effective war against graft should be the collective responsibility of all citizens. I would like to emphasize my ongoing commitment to good governance, effective stewardship and transparency.
For Nigeria to further develop and progress we need peace, freedom and unity.
These values need to be deeply, strongly and irreversibly entrenched in Nigeria for all time.
For this to happen, it is imperative that both the Executive and the Legislative arms of Government institute a Bill of Rights.
A Bill of Rights that will end discrimination and tribalism, and promote equality, enabling everyone to work towards the common goal for the development of the nation.
A Bill of Rights which like the British Magna Carta, some 800 years ago, enshrined the principle of habeas corpus so that no person is deprived of his liberty without a trial of his peers.
A Bill of Rights, like that introduced by America’s Founding Fathers, which stated “the people shall not be deprived or abridged of their right to speak, to write, or to publish their sentiments; and the freedom of the press, as one of the great bulwarks of liberty, shall be inviolable.”
There is a phrase from Cicero going back to Ancient Rome, “Civis Romanus sum.” Meaning, “I am a Roman citizen.”
But it meant much more than that.
It meant that every Roman was entitled to all of the rights and protections of a citizen in Rome. It didn’t matter if you were rich or poor or even a prisoner, you were still a citizen of Rome and protected by the state.
Wouldn’t it be good for us to aspire to a Nigeria where we too could apply that same principle “Civis Nigerianus sum”?
Each of us could say, “I am a citizen of Nigeria!”
We would be able to look beyond where each of us comes from, and look past our tribal origins.
We would be able to evaluate each other on our merits, rather than our religion, or region.
We would be free to think or do as we wished, as long as we observed the laws of the land, without fear that the land would withhold our rights under the law.
What would it mean to be able to declare “I am a Nigerian citizen”?
You would be judged on your own merits, not your tribe.
You would have access to education that can help you succeed on whatever path you choose.
You would be part of a proud culture, one that others want to invest in.
You would be safe in knowing that society judges you by your successes and failures, rather than your place of origin.
You would be equal before the law and your protection is enshrined in the laws of the country.
You would be an asset and a valued member of your country; one who is worth investing in; who can return that investment tenfold within your lifetime.
Ultimately, it means that you would be an ambassador for Nigeria, and you would be able to proudly go around this world and say, “I am a citizen of Nigeria.”
Isn’t it true that we are all citizens of a proud Nigeria?
Home to great civilizations, such as the NOK and Igbo Uku, which date back over 4,000 years, we are one of the oldest cultures in the world.
We are a civilization that had faced challenges, fought wars, and reformed our systems; we have always prevailed through difficult times.
We are a civilization that now stands at a crossroads a key time when we must make a decision to move forward or go back.
It is my belief, that
No matter what location,
No matter what faction,
No matter what tribe,
Each one of us can come together as citizens of the future Nigeria.
It was the American Green Party politician Ralph Nader who said, “There can be no daily democracy, without daily citizenship.”
The first transformation… must be … a shift in our mindset.
We have to make the decision to make the rights of our people our priority when making government and investment decisions.
Rather than spending money on resources that will run out, we should be investing it in people who are the key constant elements in the socio-economic transformation of society.
Nigeria is projected to have a population that will surpass that of the United States of America by the year 2050. But if we have not invested in our people, then we will not be ready to manage.
Our money must go towards providing education for all, because we know that once our citizens are educated, they have futures.
Those futures lead to safer cities, stable economies, and more businesses. When a young person does not have access to education, their future is jeopardized and statistics show that they may be prone to antisocial and criminal activities.
I am proud of the fact that my Administration established a Federal University in every one of the 12 States that did not previously have them. Now, for the first time in our country’s history, every state has a university established by the Federal Government.
Despite it not being the responsibility of the Federal Government to develop primary and secondary schools, we built hundreds of these schools across Nigeria.
Yet we need to build on these achievements by changing our mindset to investing in the resources above the ground, rather than below the ground.
Once we invest in our citizens, it will be our time to confidently enter the international stage. Each one of us will be able to go to any nation and proudly proclaim: I am a citizen of Nigeria.”
When we have a good mindset, we must also strive for equality.
No investment in our people is going to pay off if we are unequal.
One area some of the international community disagreed with me, was that while I was in office, I signed into law a bill that discriminates against a segment of our population.
This private member bill was put forward in the context of polls that showed 98% of Nigerians did not think same sex marriage should be accepted by our society. This was the highest percentage of any country surveyed.
The bill was passed by 100% of my country’s National Assembly. Therefore, as a democratic leader with deep respect for the Rule of Law, I had to put my seal of approval on it.
However, in the light of deepening debates for all Nigerians and other citizens of the world to be treated equally and without discrimination, and with the clear knowledge that the issue of sexual orientation is still evolving, the nation may, at the appropriate time, revisit the law.
When it comes to equality, we must all have the same rights as Nigerian citizens.
Former US Congressman Charles Rangel noticed the same thing when talking about America, he said “Full participation in government and society has been a basic right of the country symbolizing the full citizenship and equal protection of all.”
Equality will promote meritocracy, growth and security. Tribalism, regionalism and religious intolerance should never be acceptable in Nigeria.
Within the Nigerian Federation, anyone, regardless of their home state should be treated equally and have full protection under Federal Law.
That is the only way that all Nigerians can be at home in any part of the country and proudly say “I am a Nigerian Citizen.”
That is the only way we can eradicate tribalism, regionalism and religious intolerance before they destroy our beloved Nigeria.
The constitution recognizes anyone born in Nigeria by Nigerian parents as a citizen. We must go the next step and accept all Nigerians residing in any part of the country as equal citizens.
Our new Bill of Rights must therefore amend our constitution to criminalise discrimination of Nigerian citizens residing in any part of the country based on their place of origin.
Indigenes and residents must pay the same amount for school fees and social services all over the county.
I ask the same question that Eric P. Liu asks, “The next time someone uses denial of citizenship as a weapon or brandishes the special status conferred upon him by the accident of birth, ask him this: What have you done lately to earn it?
Every Nigerian must feel at home in any part of Nigeria. It is the only way that each of us will be able to say, “Civis Nigerianus Sum.”
As our country increases its equality, its cultural value will increase too.
When we increase the cultural value of Nigeria and show it to the world, not only will people spend their business dollars in our country, but their vacation dollars too.
You have to buy into the culture of a country before you decide to visit or invest.
It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy for our beloved nation.
As we invest in the equality of our people and strive to make ourselves more equal, the world will take notice.
As our image rises in the eyes of others, we will become even prouder of our national culture. This will repeat and repeat in a positive feedback loop where both parts feed each other and grow as a result.
Before I conclude, let me ask you this:
Which Nigeria do we as citizens want?
An equal or unequal Nigeria?
An educated or uneducated Nigeria?
One Nigeria or many Nigerias?
We all know the answers to these questions hence my call for a Bill of Rights, based on our shared vision for a future Nigeria which is…
A Nigeria where you are judged on your merits and not your origins;
A Nigeria where you can get the education you want and the future you choose;
A Nigeria whose government serves the people and is not above the law;
A Nigeria whose government invests in its resources above the ground and not just the resources below;
A place where we all work together, rather than allow ourselves to be divided by tribalism or prejudice;
Nothing better sums up this vision for Nigeria than our national anthem, which sounds as good in prose as it does in song:
“Arise, O compatriots
Nigeria's call obey
To serve our fatherland
With love and strength and faith
The labour of our heroes past
Shall never be in vain
To serve with heart and might
One nation bound in freedom
Peace and unity.”
I will leave you with this: I am a patriot.
I am so very proud of my country.
And I believe it is only right and proper for me, and every Nigerian to be able to proudly proclaim, in our villages, in our towns, in our cities, in our country and anywhere in the world:
“Civis Nigerianus Sum”
I AM A CITIZEN OF NIGERIANS


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-06-07 04:42:19

250 Views




Continues..
We left for class. Even though I went to a party last night I didn’t go late to class.
As I entered unto d class, I saw Brenden sitting in d chair we sat together the first time. I was surprise dat he came early to class. I just avoided him and went to d next seat. I didn’t want to encounter trouble with Cassey in order not to disclose my true ID because doing that may have to leave some people dead. I sat down, brought out my books and textbooks waiting for d lecturer to come in. I avoided looking at his direction. Not too long he came to meet me.
Brenden: why come here to sit, when dere is a vacant seat at d front? (I didn’t answer him)
Brendenhe chuckled) its obvious you are scared of Cassey dat’s why you are heeding to her warning not to talk to me.
MeI laughed) cassey? Who d hell is Cassey? Look u am avoiding you because I don’t want to be associated with a cultist like you!
Brenden: and who said I am a cultist?
Me: who cares!!! As far as you the leader of some group of boys creating a secret whatsoever….. That leaves you being a cultist!!
Brenden: well miss, for your info I am not. And stop calling me a cultist in my presence.
Me: what if I don’t stop?
Brenden: stop acting like a foreigner because you have their complexion doesn’t makes you one. As a Nigerian you should know the repercussion of you being disobedient.
MeI wished only if you knew I wasn’t a Nigerian) whatever!! I don’t give a d--n.
Brenden: then suit yourself (he rubbed my cheeks and left)
The lecturer came in and did his thing and all that. Questions and answers were being made and before I knew lecture was over.
To be continued after comments..


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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