Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.Related

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a dateRelated


BREAKING NEWS:the federal government of nigeria has announced that today is thursday 25th of june 2015,and tomorrow is Friday 26th of june 2015..thanks for listening..no public holiday


2015-06-25 14:22:25


A Hammer [Read it]

At a court hearing, the Judge says, "on the
3rd August you are accused of killing your
wife by beating her to death with a hammer,
how do you plead?", "Guilty", said the man in
the dock. At this point a man at the back of
the court stood up and shouted "you dirty
rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down
and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "...also on the 17th
September you are accused of killing your son
by beating him to death with a hammer, how
do you plead?", "Guilty", said the man in the
dock. Again the same man at the back stood
up and shouted even louder, "you dirty rotten
stinking rat!"
At this point the Judge called the man to the
bench and said, "I have already asked you to
be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts,
I will have to charge you with contempt of
court. I can understand your feelings, but what
relationship have you to this man?" He replied
"He is my next door neighbour". The Judge
replied, "I can understand your feelings then,
but you must refrain from any comments". The
man replied "No, your Honor, you don't
understand. Twice I have asked if I could
borrow a hammer, and both times he said he
didn't have one!"


2015-04-09 13:39:50


Akpos stops by to visit his
friend who is paralyzed from
the waist down. They talk for
a while and then the friend
asks, “My feet are cold.
Would you be so kind as to
go get me my shoes
please?” Akpos obliges and
goes upstairs. There he
sees his friend’s daughters,
both very good looking.
Being the scoundrel he is, he
says: “Hi, ladies! Your daddy
sent me up here to make
love to you!” They stare at
him and say, “That can’t
be!” Akpos replies, “OK,
let’s check!” He shouts down
the stairs to his friend,
“Both of them?” The reply
comes back, “Yes, both of


2015-07-17 09:54:42


Why did the govt. built satellite launching station at Sri Harikota in South India?

It`s obvious. Bcoz Rajnikanth can provide the energy to launch the space vehicles.Related

Professor: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Akpos: BA
Professor: For sodium?
Akpos: NA
Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA

& 2 atoms of NA combined?



2015-03-30 12:52:49


Khoobsurati Kee Pehchan Banawat Se Nahi Hoti;

Mohabbat Kee Pehchan Dhadkano Kee Aahat Se Nahi Hoti;

Kaise Samajh Liya Khush Hain Hum Aapke Bagair;

Khushiyon Kee Pehchan Sirf Muskurahat Se Nahi Hoti!Related

coffee problem [Read it]

[7:09 PM]: A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'


2015-08-16 00:16:15


An old woman walked into an antique store and looked at a diamond necklace in a glass cabinet.

Suddenly, she let out a fart (she polluted the air). She coughed, trying to disguise it, because a shop assistant was walking by.

She then called the assistant over and asked how much the necklace was.

The assistant replied, “If you just farted looking at it, you’ll shit yourself when I tell you the price!”


2015-01-14 06:12:24



The biggest example of corruption is a
ceremony where people will spray you and
spouse only 200 naira and still eat rice and
chicken and drink which sums up to over
The worse is they will wrap broom and
you as a Gift.
So I've decided on my wedding day when
sweetheart and I will be dancing, people
spray us directly, they will put the money on
for all eyes to see and at that point, you'll
your food as follows:
NO MONEY: Pure water and toothpick
N200: White Rice without meat + pure
N500: White Rice + head of fish + coke
N1000: Jollof Rice + Meat + a Malt
N2000-N4000: Fried Rice + salad + chicken
+ a
N5000 and Above: Please Serve Yourself...
No cheating!


2016-05-28 11:33:23


BOY: Baby what happened, ur face isn't bright??
GIRL: Am expecting something, and am worried over it..
BOY: tell me baby, what is it??
GIRL: I Can't see my period..
BOY: Whaw! Where did U keep it so that we can look for it??



2015-08-23 20:57:13


Baseball is drama with an endless run and an ever-changing cast.

-Joe GaragiolaRelated

Check out this 1



































A man was travelling in his
car along the lagos.Ore Express
Road,he sighted a huge bush
hanging on a stick from
afar&decided to buy.he
stopped &
Madam,aw much is ur bush
d madam reply ....Oga na #
7000...... Haba
Madam,na aw much u go sell
am last?....
Oga,bring#6500..... ok go put
am 4 inside boot.
The woman went behinde d
sayin in her mind....if dis man
his boot.I go drop d meat 4
go collect my money.
Immediately d woman shut d
without putting d
meat.thinking she
had put d bush meat into his
the man zoomed Off without
Na who b thief??


2014-10-11 12:43:47


A dog died and the owner took it to pastor Akpos.

He asked Akpos if he could organise a funeral service for the dead animal.

Pastor Akpos: No, we can’t hold a service for your dog in our church. But there is a church down the street, maybe they will do it for you.

Man: But pastor, will that church accept a donation of $ 1million?

Pastor Akpos shouted and asked, “why didn’t you tell me the dog was a Christian?”


2015-01-24 15:22:39


d pastor [Read it]

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and
he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the
captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The
preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A
little later, another boat came by and a
fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The
preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to
heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't
you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you
two boats!"


2015-07-13 16:57:46


rib crackerAkpos, Musa and John decided to go to China for vacation.
Since they were new to the place, they had to stay in a hotel. And their room was on the 60th floor.
The policy of the hotel was that at midnight the elevators were shut down. The next day, the guys rented a car and explored the city. They enjoyed themselves and arrived at the hotel after midnight. The elevators were shut down. There was no other way to get to their room but to climb the stairs all the way to the 60th floor. John said, ”for the first 20 floors, I will tell jokes to keep us going.
Then Musa can say wise stories for the next 20 floors and lastly, we will cover the final 20 floors with sad stories from Akpos.” So, John started with jokes.
With laughs and joy, they soon reached the 20th floor. Musa started saying stories full of wisdom. They learned a lot before they reached the 40th floor. Now it was time for sad stories.
So, Akpos started: "My first sad story is that I left our room key in the car".
like emoticon What wud you do to Akpos if You were John or Musa??


2015-08-28 20:05:59


Angela was lying on the sofa,watching a programme on the television when David entered.She had kept her business on hold for the time being.
She walked up and welcomed him.

"Honey,i have been feeling somehow for days now"She complained.

"How have you been feeling?"David asked jokingly,smiling and staring at her.

"I'm serious,"Angela made a face,"i think i should visit a doctor"

"I am a doctor.Visit me.Or let me examine you"David playfully touched almost all part of her body,examining it,leaving Angela wondering why he's acting so funny.
He had been acting funny and pampering her like an egg lately.

"I have detected the problem"He announced.

Angela laughed.
"It's like something good happened today"She guessed,rolling her eyes.

"I will show you"He whispered and took her off the ground in his arms like a baby,running into the bedroom.Angela only laughed out loud as he carried her.Her husband has gone crazy lately.
David landed her on the bed and produced the pregnancy report the doctor gave to him.

"This is the result"He handed it over to her.
Angela hastily opened the envelope and brought out the paper in it,reading it silently.

"Who is Angela Dike?"she asked.

"Who else if not you my Angel?"David clasped his palms together,"Please Angel,don't get angry with me for not telling you"

Angela was dumbfounded.Something told her those feelings of hers were signs of pregnancy but she wasn't so sure because she never experienced it before.She screamed in joy,tears of joy dropping from her eyes as she hugged David,overwhelmed with joy,trying to stop the tears but they kept coming.
David kissed the tears dry,happy too that she was happy.
Just as they got down on the bed in their happy romantic mood,the sweet voice of Rihanna "Shine bright like a diamond"
"Shine bright like a diamond" coming from Angela's phone disturbed them.David grumbled.

"A minute honey.pleeease"Angela begged and reached for the phone in her pocket.
It was Ebere calling.

"Hello baby"Angela spoke into the phone.

"Angela its Mike"Mike responded with a shaky voice at the other end.Angela noticed the abnormality in his voice and sat up.

"Mike what's the problem?"She asked,hearing him sob.

"Angelaa.Baby is dead.Ebere is dead"Mike cried.


FATHER-IN-LAW: Young man, you're
coming to seek my daughter's hand in
marriage and you're chewing gum.
That's a sign of disrespect!
MAN: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink
or smoke. FATHER-IN-LAW: You mean you drink
and smoke, and you're here to seek my
daughter's hand in marriage?!
MAN: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I
go to the club.
FATHER-IN-LAW: You club too?! MAN: I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing
when I came out of prison.
FATHER-IN-LAW: You've also been to
prison before? Oh my God!
MAN: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I
killed someone. FATHER-IN-LAW: What!!! You're a
MAN: Sir, I was angry because a certain
man didn't allow me to marry his
daughter, so I killed him!
FATHER-IN-LAW: You're highly welcome my son. You are on the right track.
You're absolutely the right Man for my


2016-08-15 01:56:48



TEACHER: aproko finish this sentence "many are called but...??"
APROKO: -only few have credit to call back


2015-06-20 14:07:16


Four Africans [Read it]

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is Kenyan, one is South-African, one is Nigerian, and the last one is a Ghanian. The Kenyan walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people!" and jumps off the roof. 

Next, the South-African walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people!" and then he jumps off the roof. 

Next is the Nigerian's turn. The Nigerian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people!" and then throws the Ghanian off the roof.


2015-01-15 16:09:21


The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the
British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the
British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently
what kills you.#abeg no be by force u spark or spoke english#speak wot u undastand#GoodDay#AoN


2015-08-08 10:16:51


Typical macho
man married
typical good-
looking lady and
after the
wedding, he
laid down the
following rules:
"I'll be home
when I want, if
I want and at
what time I
want and I
don't expect
any hassle
from you. I
expect a great
dinner to be on
table unless I
tell you that I
won't be home
for dinner. I'll go
fishing, boozing
and card-
playing when I
want with my
old buddies and
don't you give
me a hard time
about it. Those
are my rules.
His new bride
said, "No,
that's fine with
me. Just
that there will
be sex here at
seven o'clock
every night...
whether you're
here or not."


2016-03-29 17:11:47


Boy: Wanna hear a joke?

Girl: Of course.

Boy: Knock, knock.

Girl: Who’s there?

Boy: Marry.

Girl: Marry, who?

Boy: Marry, me?Related

Friends in heart r the worst tenants. They capture the heart, pay no rent, don’t vacate it & if at all they leave, they just break down the room they lived.Related

His words was so comforting and assuring. Those
words were enough to make Mansa involuntary
smile, as if everything was alright.
†Do i know somewhere, i don’t know but
there is something about you that makes you look
Mansa asked.
“I don’t think so dear, come, lets sit down
and talkâ€
Obed said. They went and sat at the nearest pew they could
“Mansa why should you worry so much when
actually you should leave everything in Gods
Obed asked. “Look, i know your forster mother very well, its
unfortunate she does not know me like i do,
sometimes she can be exaggerating a little but
need to pray very hard for God to take control, i
used to be working for your dad, as a matter of fact am his lawyer. You are the only one am
this because he never even trusted his own wife.â

He continued.
“Really, mm i miss him so much, But Obed you
won’t understand what am really going
Mansa said.
She made it obvious that she was hiding
something. Obed noticed it instantly. “I think you are hiding something from me,
what is
it? You can trust me†Obed assured her.
“Obed, can i trust you? Mansa asked
“Mansa, why ask this question, I already saw it
in your eyes before you asked that you already trust,
you can trust me, my dear†Obed said.
He was right. As soon as Mansa saw him, she felt
comfortable and safe around him. He had already
won her trust with his words of encouragement.
“So you have the gifts of reading minds now? Mansa ironically asked.
“That’s for you to tell me.â€Obed
Mansa was feeling very at ease with him, so she
began opening up with him.
“Obed, am pregnant, i found out this morning. I
didn’t know what to tell mum, thats why i ran
Mansa said.
“I see, have you already gotten the father
involved†He asked.
“That’s the problem, i don’t the fatherâ
€ Mansa said.
Obed’s facial expression changed as Mansa
that answer, however he never jumped into conclusion until heard everything Mansa had to
“How, I don’t understand? Obed asked
looking very
“Obed, i was raped†Mansa revealed. Obed was the very first person that Mansa had
told this to.
“What, by who? Obed asked.
“That’s what i don’t know, he was
wearing a mask,
He took my pride away, i don’t know him or where
he came from and up till now, am being
by this everyday†Mansa said and began
Obed saw in her eyes that she was being truthful, he believed her right away.
Meanwhile, back at the family of Amposah’s
Kuu had returned and met Chris and his Mother at
living room.
He knew it was a normal thing for them, he then greeted them and without asking any questions,
went straight into Mansa’s room, only to met
He looked around the house to see if he could
find her but she was no where to be found.
He had a little present for her. Lately Kuu and his
mother were not really getting along with Mansa
being the bone of contention.
He then had no option than to come back to the
living room asking of them (Chris and Mrs Amposah) of her where about.
“Chris, where is Mansa? Kuu asked Chris.
Chris was in total silence as he didn’t know
answer to give him. It took Mrs Amposah to
interrupt them with an answer. “My son, no body knows where your so called
sister had gone to, do you know that, that Mansa
you keep standing up for, is pregnant†Mrs
Amposah said.
“oh no, but how? Kuu looked surprised.
“How did this happen?†He continued. Kuu looked more concerned about this, done
anyone else. The news of the pregnancy shocked
He went straight to his room and locked himself
In about 20 minutes, Kuu came out of his room with a luggage.
It looked as if he was going somewhere. When
Amposah saw him, she wondered where he was
“And where are you going to with those luggage?
Mrs. Amposah asked.
†Sorry, i forgot to tell you, i am traveling to the
central region, will be back in a week time†Kuu
“Just like that, what business do you have doing at
central region †She asked
“Mum, don’t you think, am old enough to
go about
with my own business. I will call you. I must be
on my way†Kuu said and walked out on her.
Mrs Amposah called him several times but he
ignored him and went away.
“What has come over this boy?†Mrs
asked herself. She then decided to go back to her room when all
of a sudden the door leading to the living room
It was Mansa accompanied by Obed.
“So you have returned†Mrs Amposah asked.
“And young man, i guess you are here to plead on
her behalf†She continued.
Obed smiled at her and said.
“On the contrary, that’s not what am here
Obed said. “I suppose, you are looking for the father of
pregnancy? Well, you are looking at him†Obed
Obed and Mansa were up to something.
Whatever it was, Mrs. Amposah was definitely not happy about it.
To be continued


????:- ???? ?? ?? ??????

???? :- ??? ???? ??? ?

???? :- ?? ?????? ??? ??? ?? ??? 90% ??? ????

???? :- ????? ?? ???? ??? ???? ???? ???? !

????:- ???? ?????? ?? ? ?? ??? ???? ???? ???? ???? ?? ???? ??? ????? ???? ??? ?? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??…. ??? ????? ???? ???? !

Dear Earth,

Go to Settings -> Select Sound -> in Vibration option select No.

No More Earthquakes.Related

Akpors was part of the invigilators in a WAEC and GCE
exam holding in the school where he was serving.
Right inside the hall when the exam was on going, one sexy
student who was wearing a very short skirt and looking
gorgeous was cutting eye for Akpors, giving him a
seductive look, so he went straight to the girl to find out
what her problem was.
The girl was having problems solving her mathematics
questions. Akpors gave the girl the solution to the
mathematics questions.
After the exam, Akpors followed the girl up to arrange how
they would meet and the girl said:
STUDENT: Do you think I’m a prostitute? All those actions I
was displaying for you in the hall are fake oooo, that’s my
boyfriend waiting for me.. Mugu!.
She laughed!….
Akpors laughed too and said: “do u think I read
Mathematics? I studied Yoruba in school, all those answers I
gave to you are formulated and fake!………. ..
The Girl Screamed and Fainted!!!!!!


2015-10-14 16:55:21


Walk with me when ur hearts needs company,take my hand when u feel all alone,turn to me when u need some1 to lean on,coz I’m a friend u can always depend onRelated

AKPORS: Sweetheart, I am GEJ
HELEN: You’re kidding? You mean you are our President? (Goodluck Ebele Jonathan)
HELEN: (smiling) Oh! You’re not serious! What kind of a journey are you going on?
HELEN: To meet Obasanjo?
HELEN: Babangida?
HELEN: (smiles). Very funny.
AKPORS: Till then APC.
HELEN: What does that mean?
HELEN: Hmmm…
AKPORS: And while I’m away, PDP with love.
HELEN: What?
AKPORS: PLEASE DON’T PLAY with our love.
HELEN: (after a short pause) You know I won’t BRF.
AKPORS: What has Lagos state governor got to do with all this?
AKPORS: I trust you
AKPORS: (screaming) Whaaat?!

Who is the wiser one here?


2015-03-12 17:25:10


A bus full of Nuns (Christian girls)  falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Akpos.
St. Akpos says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all in the gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.
Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Akpos turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Akpos says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Akpos now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise and struggling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!
St. Akpos sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this?
There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I`m going to have to suck this Holy water, I`d rather do it before Sister Nkoli sticks her virgina in it!"


2015-04-10 08:22:16


Virginity is the best wedding gift any
man would receive from his newly wed
wife, but lately, there's nothing as such
any longer because it'll have already
been given out as a Birthday gift, token
of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking
schemes and for Lorry fares!


2016-08-28 04:44:27


Lets welcome the year which is fresh and new,

Lets cherish each moment it beholds,

Lets celebrate this blissful New year.Related

Akpos who was in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?"
"Yes, it`s at home," replies Akpos.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
Next day Akpos goes places two cans of cat food on the counter."Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do, it`s at home," says Akpos.
"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
The next day akpos returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag."It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that`s right," says Akpos, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."


2015-03-09 22:50:56


Akpors was in my church !!
After the sermon, the Pastor announced;
"If you are worshipping with us for the
first time in this church, you
are so special to us. The whole
church will like to know your name."
New comer: My name is Akporsisi
Akpobioroko Apurukutunaya
but you can simply call me Akpors.
(The congregations cheer)
Pastor: Halleluyah!
Congregation: Amen.
Pastor: Mr Akpors, do you have any prayer
request you want the church to pray for you ?
Akpors: Yes sir. The church should help me pray
that God should promote my Carpentry business
in this church more than how he
promoted it in my former church.
Pastor: Brethren in the Lord, I will want you to use
the whole of your strength to pray for
Bro. Akpors's Carpentry Business.
Pray that God should promote his business in this
(Speaks in tongues...) Masokokokokole sebede!!!
Thus, said the Lord, Listen, that your business
shall sell in this church more than where you
are coming from in million folds.
Pastor: Mr Akpors, open your eyes, your prayer
has been answered. You left your former
CHURCH because the business was
not selling very well, abi?
Akpors: Yes Pastor! Like I said earlier, I am a
carpenter and I deal in casket selling.
Initially, my business was selling fine in former
church because they were buying casket from me.
As the number of death keeps increasing in
the church, my business was also
growing because they were buying all the caskets
from me. But after some time, there was a deliverance
service in the church and members stopped dying. It really
affected my business. That's
why I had to leave the church to search for a
greener pasture.
Congregation: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Pastor: Mr Akpors, e no go beta for u!!! Thunder
fire u!!! Na holy ghost go give, your business shall not be promoted in Jesus name.....


2015-09-12 00:10:37


During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something – at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, “What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?”

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, “Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?”

The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.

The captain replied, “Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!”Related

A british man who is very proud of himself because he think he can answer any question ask Akpos his friend ask each other a question.
Whiteman:if i ask u,u don't knw u give me money,i u ask me i don't knw i give u money.
whiteman:dont worry if u fail my question u give me $5,if i fail ur own i give u $500.
Hearing d amount of money involve Akpos agreed.the whiteman asked him one question he failed it,and pay 5 dollars.now is Akpos turn.
Akpos:what goes up in d mountain with three legs and cum back with four legs.
The white man thought for an answer to this question,bt 2 no avail.he search it with his laptop and ask friends on yahoo,but could nt find the answer,he give Akpos 5 hundred dollars.is the whiteman's turn.the whiteman ask him d same question Akpos asked him.AKPOS look at him,bring out five dollars and give him


2015-06-24 09:57:43


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