Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:


True friends r like the mornings, u can`t have them whole day but u can be sure they`ll b there when u wake up tomorrow, next week, next year, forever`.Related

How does a vagina luk before sex?

Like a pink rose with soft petals & great aroma.

And after sex?

Have u ever seen Santa’s face after he drinks lassi?Related

Heraan Hoon Kay Muddat-e-Qaleel Main Mohsin;

Wo Shakhas Meri Souch Say Zayada Badal Gaya!


Translation:

Qaleel = Very lessRelated

Confession! [Read it]


A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”Related

A guy and girl had sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

Who do you think is the winner?



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-20 14:04:30

856 Views




The guy that occupied the second BQ was a fresher just like me….
Me: Its time for Moghrib Alfa Ismaeel
Ismaeel: You can continue, i will pray mine later
Me: Why not lets pray together as that bring a lot of reward
Ismaeel: I know but am seriously pressed right now that is why i said i will join you later
Me: Ohk Alfa Ismaeel
My first night in the house was a lovely one as there was a feeling that i was now a full blown student of Unilorin. Lecture started and all on my head was my academics, my routine is always from class to mosque, from class to library and from class to hostel most times. Once am in my house, you hardly see me outside.
It only takes a little while before i was recognized in MSSN (Muslim Student Society of Nigeria), i was a full participant of every activity in MSSN. All the people in my class usually refer to me as Alfa and i doubt not everybody knows me by name as most people called me by my nickname.
Hardly you see me in class without my textbook and a tira (Islamic Textbook) and small holy quran. even in class, when am not reading my book in class while waiting for lecture then you will definitely see me going through the quran.
I talk to girls but hardly will you see me in close contact with any lady as it was against my religion and the doctrine i was brought up with. I don’t even go near any lady talkless of seeing any lady’s under wear before. I don’t have girlfriend nor any close confidant aside my sisters that we have been together for so long in the same house in Offa.
Hardly a day goes by without a call from my dad to find out how i was doing, i speak to mum and everybody in the house everyday and the music to my ear on every call is to always know the son of whom am i.
Back in the hostel, i was so respected as i hardly talk to anybody, i don’t even know most people by name as i only know those girls by their face but as for Ezekiel, i know him very well and his girlfriend Titi. Titi was always constant in the house as it was as if they are cohabitating together, we always meet in the kitchen most times whenever am cooking and the least i could say is that her mode of dressing was always annoying. Sometimes she might come to the kitchen with just a bump short and a vest or spag, Ezekiel too will come and be all over her in the kitchen, anytime she comes to the kitchen like that, i usually leave the kitchen for her and make sure i didn’t return until she finish cooking, she always look me with one eye but do i send? That is their own cup of tea. It was so strange to me and i had to complain to Ismaeel.
Ismaeel: You know in school, everybody has a purpose for being in school and the most important thing is to know what we are here for…there are so many of them like that here in school that are married in school but single at home. So don’t be surprise
Me: That is serious……but don’t they know its a sin
Ismaeel: what is a sin?
Me: Staying together as husband and wife when they are not married………..Al-quran said La teqrobu sinna (Do not engage in fornication), what they are doing is not right Alfa Ismaeel…That means they will be having sex too
Ismaeel: No they wont be having sex, they will only be sleeping together on the same bed
Me: Ahuzubillahi mina shetoni rojeem (I seek refuge from God from satan). How i wish i can talk to them and let them know the consequence of what they are doing
Ismaeel: talk to them? Please don’t ooo…you know we are not of the same religion and our philosophy of life is quite different from each other
Me: What philosophy of life? What am know for sure is that their religion doesn’t support this too either
Ismaeel: Please leave them abeg, its better the way we are in this compound….so, how has lecture been
Me: Fine..alhamdullilahi
Ismaeel: Good to know that you are coping…
Me: But come to think of it Alfa Ismaeel, i don’t usually see you in the mosque regularly or MSSN meeting
Ismaeel: I do come in a while now but not regularly
Me: why now?
Ismaeel: Its the schedule..our department is very tough oooo, most times lectures are fixed towards the meeting time as if it was a deliberate plan by our lecturers
Me: But you should always try…may almighty Allah make it easy for us and accept whatever we are doing as an act of ibadah
Ismaeel: Amin Alfa Abdulrahman…so, what are we eating tonight
Me: when will you cook for us in this house….ever since i came, have been the only one cooking
Ismaeel: My own time is coming too….dont be in a haste and you know that i don’t know how to cook much
Me: but practice make perfect my brother
Ismaeel: Yes i know, i will start learning from you now….
Me: Maybe we should start from tonight
Ismaeel: What are we eating tonight
Me: What about rice….
Ismaeel: Rice? I know how to take care of that now….maybe we should start from tomorrow that we will cook
Me: Ohk ooooo
“I picked up some rice from the cupboard and headed straight to the kitchen”
Me: ahuzubillahi mina sheitoni rojeem (I seek refuge from Satan)
“i ran back inside”
Ismaeel: What is it Alfa Rahman
Me: You wont believe Ezekiel and his girlfriend are making love in the kitchen
Ismaeel: Love in the kitchen ke? As in sex?
Me: Yes of course….
Ismaeel: Lemme go and check them.
Me: No oooooo
“ismaeel went to the kitchen and came back like two minutes after”
Ismaeel:There was nothing now…..i saw them in the kitchen and they are not having sex now or making love or how did you see them? I saw them with cloth on them now
Me: Is that what you call cloth?…..What they are putting on is a rag…maybe they separated when i saw them
Ismaeel: how were they when you saw them?
Me: The lady was on their cooking table while Ezekiel was in between her legs and they were kissing
Ismaeel: but thats not love making now…they are only kissing which is normal in their situation?
Me: Normal when the boxers Ezekiel put on was not covering all his buttock and look at what that lady put on..is their room not enough for them for their nonsense? They are not the only owner of the kitchen now and they should expect the right of other users too…
Ismaeel: don’t worry, i will talk to them about that tomorrow..i believe its a mistake
Me: is like you are even indulging them?
Ismaeel: No ooooo…i just believe everybody has a right to his free will and can do as he wishes..if their is one thing have learnt in life is to accept every individual the way they are and know that as we are different in colour so we are different in character so we should learn to live with each other peacefully….dont worry, things like this wont happen again, i will talk to him tomorrow
Me: better…am not even hungry again sef
Ismaeel: Does that mean we wont eat in this house tonight
Me: we will drink garri as i cant even enter that kitchen again tonight
Ismaeel:That is serious ooooo
It takes a while before i could take the thought of what i saw out of my mind, i was just worried how Titi will be living her life that way so as for Ezekiel. Their parent will think they are studying in school not knowing that they are both married unofficially.

Drop Your comment

>>

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation.


The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.


The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there’s nothing I can do about it.”


The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”


The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”


The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you’re mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine.”


“So what?` says the doctor, “What difference does that make?”


“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”Related

It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.

-Anatole FranceRelated

He thought it’d hit her hard. He’d soon have her in his cage and control her.

Someone else knew? Who could that be? Or he was trying to make a fool out of her? That would never happen. “I’m wondering why you and the person haven’t made any move. Are you scared of Jeremy, that he won’t believe you two?”

“Its for your own good. So, it won’t make you a bad person in his eyes. Can’t you see I care about you and your reputation?”

“Aren’t you already a bad person in my eyes? What you did that night was bad, really bad? I’m not stupid or naive anymore. I’m not sixteen anymore, I’m twenty-five and engaged to be married.” She stood up abruptly from the chair. “This would be the last time you’d walk into my office to tell me this trash, the next time you do so, I will not hesitate to walk you out. Please leave. Never come back to this place.”

He never expected her to talk to him that way. She was to be calm and try to reason out things with him. She had to beg him, plead with him and here she is, acting like his authority, telling him what not to do. He had to act fast. “You shouldn’t be talking to me like this. I only helped you that night. Wasn’t that what you wanted, to drown away your pains and that was exactly what I did. You should thank me that I agreed to be your only friend and confidant, I took your side, I didn’t disagree with you. What I did, was to make you happy.”

“Happy? Make me happy?” She was furious. “An unhappy teenager walks into a bar to get drunk, it isn’t the right thing to do, but she has to because she is driven by many emotions. The right thing you could have done like any other respossible man should is to stop me from drinking and take me home.” She paced around her office. “But did you do that? No, you didn’t, you wanted sex that night? You really disgust me.”

He stood up to defend himself. “I wanted what every other man would want from you. You are very attractive. You know what courage I had to gather before I approached you?” He paused.

She was staring at him with blazing eyes. He ignored that. “I was really happy you even liked me and I wanted to know you more and have you forever.”

“You know why I was there, why I had pretended to like you? Was to break your hear, tear it in pieces and hurt you like you’ve never been hurt.” She shook her head sadly, “That didn’t happen. I was the one hurt in return. You hurt me and made me hate all me more and more.” A smile touched the corners of her mouth. “I’m happy I’m hurting you now, giving you all that you deserve. You deserve more than this, you bastard!”

“You’ll give me all I deserve when you finally give yourself to me.” His voice was stern and firm. His eyes never left hers.

She started at him, startled for a few seconds. “You’re insane. You are sick!”

He went closer to her. “Sick with love, I really need you.”

She folded her arms and scoffed. She prayed, prayed that he’d come, come now at the right time and rescue her. She didn’t want to have anymore discussions with Ernest. His fearless approach only deepened the hatred she felt for him. He deserved to suffer, in jail and not confessing a stupid, unreasonable feeling – lust.

“I’m sorry I hurt you in the past. I’m here to make amends. Please forgive, me. I’ll understand you better. I’ll, please.” His brown eyes, pleaded.

She was determined not to agree to anything. “I’ll personally invite you to my wedding.”

“You’ll marry any man other than me over my dead body.”

She nodded and grinned. “My wedding,” she pointed to herself, “to your cousin, Jeremy is underway. We are still getting married. My being with you on my engagement night won’t stop us.”

He couldn’t believe that. “Impossible.”

“How would you feel if I told you that Jeremy already defiled me?”

“You are a liar. And if he did, he used you. He’ll definitely divorce you after a year.”

“Divorce? Divorce? What do you mean?”

Her heartbeat accelerated. She froze. For few seconds, she was dazed. Thinking clearly was not an option. The seven letter word – divorce, kept echoing in her head. Divorce. Divorce. Her brain went blank. Divorce? What does that mean? Was she hearing it for the first time?

“Too shocked to speak?” Ernest taunted. “You don’t know what you’ve got yourself into. He doesn’t love you. He will definitely end things with you. You are still the naive girl I met, still naive, you didn’t even notice that.” He took a step closer. He was sure his idea would not fail him. Research had done him a lot of good. Finding out so many things, he was going to make Melisa his or make her regret choosing Jeremy over him. He had nothing against his cousin, he just wanted Melisa and nothing more. He was going to fight for her till the very end. His Melisa. He took another step.

“Don’t come any closer,” she heard herself utter. She still hadn’t got him. What does divorce mean? Divorce. Jeremy was going to break their marriage after a year? She sighed deeply. This had to be another lie. Yes, it had to be a lie. Jeremy would never think of doing that, not when his mother’s last wish was that they get married. It couldn’t be true. Jeremy didn’t know anything about the wish, but he couldn’t be a liar. He tells the truth. Damn! She was too confused to think further, too confused. Her head was spinning.

“Melisa,” Ernest whispered, “I’d never lie or hurt you. I promised never to forget you and yes, I keep my promises. My whole life crumbled when you never returned. I visited that bar daily, hoping you’d come back, keep your promise, but you didn’t. I never stopped thinking about you or wanting you. I loved you and still do. I never stopped searching for you. I really want you, need you. Please, come to me.”

He heart went out to him. She couldn’t stop feeling pity for him. His words had an effect on her. She really couldn’t understand him. The first cold words he had spoken and his attitude cut her deeply and these last words were making her feel sorry for him. It was all puzzling. Her head began thudding. It hurt really bad. She wished he’d just disappear and take away those feelings with him. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak.

Before any sound could come out, the door swung open and a male figure walked in. The look on his face was troubled. His eyes were piercing deep into hers. Each step he took forward only made her heartbeat increase. He wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t happy. His look was simply troubling. Yes, she had earlier wished him to appear and save her, but now she didn’t want him appearing yet. She had to know what Ernest meant by a divorce. Jeremy divorcing her after marrying her. It wasn’t a simple joke, it was serious. But what could she do, he had already come. She quickly closed her opened mouth.

Jeremy calmly took a step further. He was anxious. Something was really bothering him. Purity. He had to sort out some things with her. Meeting her with his cousin added to his worries. He knew Ernest would still bother her, but it was at a wrong time, he wasn’t composed, his feelings wasn’t in check. How the hell was he going to react? Arguing or fighting wasn’t an option. He had to keep calm.

His feet got planted to the ground when he had quite reached a considerable distance between them. He whooshed in a breath. Take things easy. “Ernest, what a surprise. I didn’t hope to find you here. How are you?” He smiled faintly. Those words were well constructed. That was good.

Anger. Envy. Bitterness. Hatred. Disappointment. All those emotions rushed through his blood. He clenched his fists. His teeth, gritted. He had gotten her attention, her sympathy. His plan had almost worked out. She was soon going to be his. How dare him show up? This wasn’t the right time. Damn him! He was breathing heavily. Ernest was very furious because of Melisa! She was staring at him with dreamy eyes. The way she did that, she was to look at him that way and not his cousin. He couldn’t answer Jeremy’s greeting. He simply turned to walk away.

“Don’t go yet,” Jeremy ordered.

Ernest stopped his tracks.

Purity stood, watching the two men crazy over her. She prayed Jeremy would control himself, she never trusted Ernest.

To Be Continued...

Drop your contributions pls


>>

That evening, senator clifford called me and informed me that Leo hotel had called him and informed him about the murder of one Mr. Ray in their hotel and about my involvement in the murder.
According to senator clifford, he said that it was reported that I stabbed Ray five times in the abdomen and ran away and that the police was searching for me everywhere.
“Darling they are lying,” I replied when senator clifford had finished. “You know I can’t do such thing.”
“Honestly I was surprised when the manager called me and informed me about the crime,” senator clifford continued. “I said I would hear from you first before I reach my conclusion.”
“Sir please I didn’t do it,” I begged. “It was all a set up. The man was already dead before I got to the hotel.”
“But what did you go to the hotel to do that night?” The senator asked.
“I went to deliver a package from edex company,” I lied. “You know I now work with edex group of companies and by the time I got to Ray’s room he was already dead. The whole thing is just a set up,” I explained.
“Anyway don’t worry I will see what I can do about it,” the senator reassured and dropped the call.
Ofcourse I knew the capability of senator clifford and what he could do so I wasn’t bothered at all.
My mum’s call came in soon after I dropped senator clifford’s call.
“I’ve been having series of nightmares recently,” my mum informed me. “I had a dream last night in which you were a prostitute and slept with different men till one of them used you for ritual. Then I woke up and discovered that it was all a dream.”
“Ah mama you over-worry yourself over nothing,” I replied sounding casual. “Nothing will happen to me. I’m fine.”
“Ok o if you say so,” my mum replied and dropped the call.
The next day, senator clifford called me again to inform me that everything had been taken care of but that I should be careful and stay out of trouble. I thanked him immensely before ending the call.
I had a job that night that promised three hundred thousand naira and I wasn’t going to miss it for any reason.
The job had gone smoothly till I woke up the next morning to discover that the client I slept with was no other person but the head pastor of my church in school…
————————————————————
“Pastor Joshua?” I gasped.
“Blood of God,” he echoed in surprise.
“Sister Linda, is this you?”
“Yes its me o,” I replied smiling to myself. I wanted him to know that I recognised him very well. “Hope your wife is fine?”
“Yes my wife is fine,” he replied hesitating out of guilt.
“Greet her for me,” I said smiling.
“I will increase your money for you but just keep your lips sealed please,” he pleaded. “No other ear should hear of this please?” I begged.
“Ok no problem,” I replied and went to have my bath…

>> Episode 34 -

Bank sent me a message yesterday saying:
Dear AoNomolos, your bank account with
balance of: N0.026 has been restricted and banned due to the
instruction by CBN regarding Bank
Verification Number deadline of
31th Oct. You will no longer be able
to deposit or withdraw money from
your bank account. Please kindly return our withdrawal
booklet and the ATM Card we
issued you as you could not even
be kind enough to come and verify
your account after we opened it
free of charge for you and still dashed you N1000 as bonus which
you withdrew immediately without
leaving a dime for us. You broke-
ass stingy idiot!
We do not want to involve the
police in this matter because na God go punish you and we swear;
we will not warn you again, so just
respect yourself and return all the
bank documents we gave you.
Idiot!!!
. Haba!!
E reach like that??.... #AoN


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-18 12:41:57

733 Views





Akpos won a lottery of 10 million dollars, after claiming the money, he buried the cash at the foot of a tree, and took a picture of the tree.

He then boarded a flight to London, on the plane feeling good about himself he looked at the photo and suddenly he burst into tears.

In his hands was the photo, in it there was a man smiling at the top of the tree.

If you were Akpos, what would you do?



Akpos
won a lottery of 10 million dollars, after claiming the money, he
buried the cash at the foot of a tree, and took a picture of the tree.
He then boarded a flight to London, on the plane feeling good about
himself he looked at the photo and suddenly he burst into tears.
In his hands was the photo, in it there was a man smiling at the top of the tree.
If you were Akpos, what would you do?
- See more at:

CA ki wife:
Suniye ji, Yeh inflation kya hai?

CA:
Pehle tu 36-24-36 thi
Ab tu 48-40-48 hai !

Ab tere pass sab kuch pehle se jyada hai, phir bhi Teri value pahle se kam hai.
YAHI INFLATION HAI.Related

Wrong direction [Read it]


A man was lost in a city and needed direction to a popular guest house. So he approached an old man and the following conversation ensued:


YOUNG MAN: Good afternoon sir. Please, could you direct me to fortune & co. Guest house?


OLD MAN: Good afternoon son. How are you doing today?


YOUNG MAN: I'm very well thank you sir. I missed my way to fortune & co. Guest house. Do you know where I can find it sir?


OLD MAN: (thinking deeply for about 10 minutes) I don't think I know son.


YOUNG MANobviously angry at how the old man wasted his time) Thank you sir.


The young man went on his way. 30 minutes later, When they've had a lot of distance between them, the young man suddenly heard the old man shouting and running behind him with a young looking man. So he went back and another conversation ensued...


YOUNG MAN: Sir you called me?


OLD MANpanting) my son, this is my first son bola and he graduated from University of Lagos with a first class.


YOUNG MAN: That's wonderful, but what's the point?


OLD MAN: I have just asked him whether he knows fortunes & co. guest house and he said he doesn't know where it is.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-03-21 21:35:47

182 Views




The next morning, I opened up to Uchenna all I was going through concerning my accommodation. Infact, he told me that I was most highly welcome into the house. Abisoko said I can stay in any of the rooms. Either in Uchenna’s own or his. Chaiiii, na so I happy ooooo come go camp. When I got to camp, I found my bag and clothes outside.
I asked bola and she said the landlord came and locked the empty room. Part of me was like, “ if you for no tell those guys, na so you for come dey find were you go stay.” Thank God say I don get house. I told bola about my new accommodation. Adaobi was not around. I collected both girls number before leaving. Thank God say I no even get load sef. I carry my only bag come go school gate for my new accommodation.
As I moved in with Uchenna and Abisoko, we became good friends. Another chapter, phase in my life began. My life never remained the same. Our story became a tale of great friends, Gbadebo, Uchenna and Abisoko.
As I began staying with Uchena and Abisoko, I came to know more about them. Uchenna was in Biological Science Department. He’s family were Okay financially. He said his parents were late but has an uncle who is a business man in Aba. The uncle sponsors his education. Uchenna loves clothes and accessories and love to live a lifestyle of the rich with girls chasing him. He has a caring heart but also a good liar. The kind of lies he tells makes Alhaji Lia a saint. He loves money a lot and with a bold attitude. He’s social with. He sugar coated mouth. He did pre-degree 2 times and failed. The final one he did, he finally passed which gave him admission into FUNAAB. He doesn’t like going to school. Copy and paste be him own.
Abisoko himself is from Ijaw in Delta state but their family is based in Lagos. He’s in the same department with me, Microbiology. His dad is a retired civil servant in one of the Lagos state ministry. His mom was a police officer.
As time went on, I noticed that Abisoko and Uchenna don’t read. After school hours, they play computer games, go to Osiele to mate with prostitutes. They discuss about the richest students, the ones that has the baddest cars, the ones into yahoo (internet scam) and even the ones wey dey do Google sef. They often mingle with guys with big cars. Me sef, I no wan talk too much, na them dey feed me for the house, accommodate me. They even pay my transportation fee. It made me not to really want to talk to them. Infact, Abisoko dash me one small phone make I dey use sef. Let it not be that they are helping me and I was being ungrateful. Sometimes they bring girls all the way from Moshood Abiola polytechnic(Mapoly). The girls would spend the weekend. Them go dey call me “jew, holly-pass.” I didn’t want to go into that kind of life.
This particular weekend, I wasn’t doing anything at home. Uchenna and Abisoko were preparing to go to Mapoly. They demanded I follow them. I didn’t want it to look as if I was always keeping to myself. Knowing fully well that Uchenna has a sugar coated mouth. He tried to convince me that I should be free. In as much that I was there to read, that does not mean I shouldn’t be social, meet new people. “He said they were not going there to bring back girls to sleep with. They were only going to see somebody who was having her birthday party that day.” Uchenna’s words did the magic, I quit agree with what he said about being a loner. I decided to follow them. Infact Abisoko dashed me one of the new clothes he bought. He even gave me his canvas to put on. Na so I join them and we waka enter ojere, Mapoly for the birthday bash.
Na so we reach there, come see bump shots display. I had never seen women dressed so badly in real life, only in movies. Even for Funaab sef, the ladies their dressing are moderate. This one for Mapoly na hell fire. Ladies were drinking themselves to stupor. My guys just dey order for alcohol, me I tell them say na soft drink. They said no soft drink. Everything wey dey there na alcohol. Abisoko said I should take smirnoff , that it doesn’t contain much alcohol. I told him I can’t. He started showing me some ladies that were taking smirnoff. Some sef don take like 7 bottles. He also showed me those that were taking heavy alcoholic drink. Abisoko said those people who are not into alcohols or heavy alcoholic drinks, they go for smirnoff. Na so Uchenna with him sweet mouth come. He convinced me that I should atleast take something. Infact he came along with the person celebrating the birthday. They said smirnoff no go do me anything. I finally tell them make them bring the smirnoff. Them bring am and I drank it. I loved it.
After the birthday celebration, so many were so drunk. I told my guys, Uchenna and Abisoko that we should leave. Uchenna said I should hold on a little bit that he wants to meet someone very important. And I began wetin. After about 30 minutes, people had already started leaving. Uchenna came to me. We began looking for Abisoko. We no know where he enter. I called his number but it was not going through. Na so we dey outside. I come dey see cars wey line up. Young guys in their mid-20s. They were entering their various cars and leaving. Me sef look am, think say poverty na bastard. I wished I had that kind of money. Uchenna told me that one of them was his secondary school mate whom he just collected his mobile number. He was the one he went to meet the other time he left us. And I asked him how they managed to acquire so much money at that young age. “Gbadebo, you no go understand. If we get home, I go gist you,” he said to me. The way uchenna talked, he was not looking happy. He looked sad.
Abisoko came out from God knows were and we left. We got home very late. It was a taxi we chattered that took us home.
When we got home, we all slept in the big parlour. Uchenna said he would be going back to his former venture, internet scam. “Yahoo yahoo! Shey you dey scam before?” I asked foolishly. “Yes nah! Only be say he no chop anything come out. Na hunger kill am comot,” Abisoko replied as we all laughed. But I was shocked, never knew Uchenna was into internet scam. “Me, I no fit do all those kind thing,” I said to them. “Dat one na you, no be me nah,” uchenna said.
As I slept that night, I wondered why my guys, good friends were doing Yahoo yahoo. Me, I no want wahala ooo. I have hear several stories of police hunting internet scammers. Since I was staying there, I no want wahala.
The next day, uchenna and Abisoko went to Mapoly. They said they want to make contact with the guys over there who will help them bounce back in scamming business.
The attitude of these two guys continued. They barely go to school. They were always in Mapoly. And each time they were coming back, they come with freshly mint naira and dollar notes. If I ask them how they got it, Abisoko would say, “Shey you no wan follow us, why you com dey ask who give us money.” Though Uchenna had earlier told me that their guys over there in Mapoly are hitting the white men so badly. Dem just dey maga dem big time. So after making huge amount of money, they would just give them (Uchenna and other friends) some small money.
I was terribly hungry this particular Saturday and there was nothing at home. Uchenna and Abisoko don leave me go Mapoly. Exam was fast approaching and I was seriously preparing for it. I wanted to go to Iya Balikis shop to get fresh pepper and tomatoes so I could prepare concoction rice. But the rice sef no dey house. I decided to go outside.
............ To be continued from Episode 4......


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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A 3yr old girl sat at dinner table
having dinner with her dad,
cellphone rings,
dad said excuse and went
outside and talked for a few
minutes, comes back and
continues his meal,
3yr old said dad i have
something 2 tell u, dad slap her n
yelled… how many tymes i tell u
not 2 talk while eating?
ten mins later dinner finished
dad ask… what were u saying?
3yr old said, while u were on the
phone… the cat pissed in ur food.
his dad fainted



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-11-16 20:24:58

418 Views




I went to a cinema with Akpos, on getting to the
cinema we saw a bald guy, I showed the guy to
Akpos and said “Look at fresh head, this one is good
to slap, but I’m afraid of the guy’s face”.
Akpos then said to me “Praise, you fear a lot, I will
slap that head and nothing will happen”.
I dared him to do it and he went to where the guy
was sitting and gave him a HOT SLAP on his head.
The guy was surprised, and wanted to react, then
Akpos said “Bros Praise, so you are here, and we
have been looking for you at home!”
The guy responded “I’m not Bros Praise, maybe we
look alike”, Akpos murmured “maybe.”
After some minutes In the cinema, Akpos called me
again and said “Praise, I will slap that guy again and
nothing will happen.” I answered “ok”
He went to the guy, gave him a hot slap and said
“Bros Praise stop lying, I say na u be dis…”
The guy said to him angrily “I’m not Bros Praise,
please, let me be”. The guy then left that seat and
went to the front seat.
After some minutes Akpos called me and said
“Praise, I will slap that guy again and nothing will
happen.”
This time i told him that “if anything happens, I will
pretend I don’t know him.”
He stood up, went to the front seat, gave the guy a
very hot slap and said "Bros Praise, so na here you
dey, I come dey slap another person for back!”..


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-10 07:22:42

529 Views




Episode 3 continues......
Two weeks to resumption date, fausat began to call me, she said I should come back, she was terribly missing me and she wants me back so I could help in packing her belongings to the new house. Me, it has always been a norm for me to come back 2 weeks after resumption. I don’t know how fausat will take it if I tell her that i still have till 4 more weeks to come back. Me too don dey miss the girl sef, I chat with seyi often, even seyi told me that she will be coming back 3 days to resumption. I don’t want her(seyi) to notice or see me helping fausat to pack her things. That alone made me change my mind, and I came back a week later in the warm and loving hands of fausat. Even though I wasn’t having much feelings for seyi, I still pretend to love her.
The day I came back, barely 2 hours I came back to Abeokuta, fausat came to see me.
She hugged me so tight as if her life depended on it. She brought turkey and some cooking stuff when she was coming, and she cooked a nice vegetable soup and bought fufu. The gift she claimed that she has for me was an iphone 5. I was so happy, I have dreamt of having the phone, hoping that one day it will be a reality; the reality was finally there. She said her dad got two for her so she’s giving me one.
The next day we began the real work at her new house in gate. We went to the market and shops to get some items that she would need, including a television, decoder, home theater and many more. After arranging the house, the house was looking good.
The next day fausat came to my house, she got me some clothes. I was surprised how she knew my size. When I asked her, she claimed she has been with me for a long time so why won’t she know my clothes size, and even my shoe size. She took me to one provision store at sapon. We got some provisions for herself and me. She got some other stuffs for herself. We headed back home with nylon stuffed bags full of provisions and some female stuff. I dropped at somorine while she left for gate; the taxi was even chattered by her. I got home and met a surprise. Seyi was back.
As I opened the gate, I saw her cleaning up her dusty plates at the veranda. Immediately she saw me, she ran towards me and hugged me so tight as if her life depended on it. I was surprised because I wasn’t expecting to see her that day. The former day we chatted, she told me she will be coming in the next day, and not that present day. Fausat had already said she will be coming to my house to spend the night with me.
As she hugged me, I was motionless, I couldn’t utter a word; she freed me immediately. “Ah ah, what’s the problem. Or are you surprised that I came back today,” she asked me, I tried to force myself to smile; even though I was smiling, it didn’t come out from my mind. She took my bag from me and opened it, she saw what was inside, she said I should have told her before buying all those stuff. She said she got almost all the provisions that both of us will need. I wanted to tell her it was fausat that bought it for me, but changed my mind. What would she say and how will she take it when I tell her it was fausat. I don’t think she would take it likely. I don’t want her to start insinuating another thing, perhaps I know I have made up my mind to break the relationship between us, but I want to do it gradually and slowly. We went into her room, I met the surprise of my life, she brought provisions, foodstuffs and many things for me, she said it was her dad that brought her with their car. Mehn, I go chop tire, infact this two girls(fausat and seyi) wants to spoil me with gifts. Looking at what she (seyi) brought, I felt I had let her down, I became weak, I felt pity for her because my heart was no longer with her. I still would want to be with seyi, I am trying to bring back that love I had for her when I first met her, but it seems the love was lost. I couldn’t find it. How I wish I could, she loves me so much. During the period she was showing me all the stuff she bought for me, I was cold towards her. She asked me what was wrong with me, if I was okay because I was too cold towards her. After showing me all the things, she asked me to help fix some of her wall hanger and some few damages in her room. I willingly did it for her.
I later sent a text to fausat telling her that I will rather come over to her place to spend the night, she shouldn’t because seyi was back. Fausat got angry immediately. She said it was high time I leave seyi and move into his apartment. I saw her point because she was deeply worried that she’s still sharing me with seyi. She just wants me to herself only. She said it was high time I bust the bubble to seyi, I should just tell her it was over and, she was tired of all the hide and seek games we were playing. I tried talking with her, to make her see reasons but she hung up on me. 3hours later, she called back and apologized for hanging up on me. I was about leaving for Gate to fausat house when seyi walked into my room. She asked where I was going to, I told her I was going to check a friend in the other street, she said I should at least stay and spend some time with her, since it’s been long we saw last. Yeah she was right, but I don’t really have feelings for her any more, even though I haven’t told her. I told her that I wasn’t going to spend too much time were I was going, so I would be back shortly. She insisted on following me, I told her it was a guy thing and assured her it was just important we see, talk for just a short time and then return to be with her. I lied, I wasn’t going to return. I spent the night in fausat place at gate. It was one of the most memorable night of my life. Fausat’s apartment was great, cool. And there was constant power supply. With everything that happened, I became anxious of moving in to join her. Though she was mounting pressure on me; I guess it was high time I take the decision, let seyi know that I was no longer in love with her again. All throughout the night, my phone was switched off, I didn’t want to receive seyi’s call. I know seyi will be worried. As I was going back home, I thought about the first day I laid my eyes on seyi, that first love for her that struck me, all that had faded away. I was asking myself how. I thought of what seyi will do when I tell her that I want a break-up; she loves me so much, I loved her but, that was then, that love had varnished. I am now thinking of a new life with Fausat. I got to the house, immediately I entered the gate, seyi was sitting on a bench on the veranda, I guess she was worried and was waiting for me to come in. She ran towards me immediately, I thought she wanted to slap me but no, she hugged me, “where have you been since. I have been trying your line but it was switched off,” she said. I told her I slept over at my friends place. “You should have atleast called me, you got me worried” she said, I told her I was sorry but there was no network coverage at the area. I lied to her, I told her that the friend I went to visit, took me to another friend’s place, and there was no network, and we couldn’t come back, we had to sleep over. She took me to her room. She was just talking of how she tried my mobile number several times, called couple of my friends to know if I was with them. I kept mute as she talked. She noticed I was not talking as she talked, “What is wrong with you, are you okay” she asked, “I want us to break up,” I replied her. She looked at me as if I was joking. “Stop joking around joor, na hunger dey do you this, you better wait let me cook so you eat” she said to me. As she stood up to leave my presence, I held her left hand and dragged her back, “I am damn serious, let’s just go our separate ways” I said to her. She laughed out loud, “leave my hand joor, I have something on fire, let me go and check it before you start all this your play” she said again; “am moving into Fausat’s house by Saturday” I said, immediately she hear that, she turned around and faced me, our eyes met, I saw those emotions in her eyes, the pain that I have disappointed her. “why, how manage, when, what are you saying” she screamed; she was finding it difficult to alter words out of her mouth. i released my hands on hers, I left for my room, she followed me immediately, as I entered my room, she followed me, “wait, I want to understand what you are saying” she said, “you mean you are leaving me for fausat” she said again, “yes” I replied; “Is this a joke or what” she asked, I didn’t know what to say again as I looked into her eyes as tears was rolling down her cheeks. I knelt down, held her two toes, begging her to forgive me. I know she felt betrayed and disappointed in me. Even me sef dey feel bitter. Looking at her sharing those tears in my presence, I wished that love I once had for her will come back. Indeed I have truly betrayed her, how I wish I could find a way of making it up to her. She turned and left my room, leaving me still kneeling down. I stood up, brought out some of those things she bought for me, took them to her room, she was sitting on her reading chair holding a picture we took together. I dropped those things on her table. As I was leaving, she called my name, I turned to her, “so you are serious that you are leaving me” she asked, I was totally speechless, I don’t know how to answer her. I was still looking into her eyes, “Yes I am” I said, I turned around and left.
30 minutes later, I was passing by her room, going outside to fetch water from the well, I heard her crying. I felt pity for her; but I just have to go, let me not waste her time.
Two days later, early in the morning, seyi’s knock on the door woke me up. I opened the door and she came in. She said since I wanted a break up, well she will let me be but only in one condition. She asked if I remembered the first day she agreed to date me, how I carried her on my arms from the gate into my room. She said I should be carrying her like that from her room to the gate every morning when she’s ready to go to school, for 7days. With that, I was free to go with fausat. I thought about her condition, if I refuse, she won’t do me anything but, I felt like accepting it. I want to do it for her, for the sake of the love we had shared in the past. I accepted, she left my room immediately. I went and took my bath, took my breakfast and left for school.
I was in school when fausat called me, she asked me where I was, I told her I was at the ATM stand, close to Library in school. She said she was coming to meet me there. 5 minutes later, behold gorgeous, beautiful fausat walking towards me. All eyes were on us as she hugged me so tightly. She wore a black jean trouser with a pink beautiful short sleeve top. She has this fine face and a beautiful body. After withdrawing, both of us left for tantiz to take our launch. As we were going, all eyes were on us. The way she was walking and smiling with me, that sweet confidence she oozes; people were just looking at us. As we got to motion ground heading to tantiz, we saw seyi seated ontop of the block seat students normally seat on. She was stirring at us as we walked by. I felt pity for her; fausat saw her and laughed in a mocking tone. She was so gentle and cool as she seated.
The next morning was Tuesday, I already knew that seyi had a class by 8am. She had already finished preparing, she stood at the entrance of the flat, it seems she was already waiting for me. I had earlier accepted her conditions and that day was the day I would start. It was about 6:47am. As I saw her, “good morning” she greeted me, “how was your night” I asked, she didn’t even bother to answer that; “waiting for you” she said. I stretched out my right hand towards her shoulder area and the other to her kneel. I carried her. As I carried her out of the flat, heading to gate, my neighbors who were outside saw us and began to laugh, hailing us, “love nwantiti” one of the elderly man there said, only if they knew that that the love has gone sour, and that all was not well with us. I dropped her outside the gate and came inside while she left for school.
I repeated the second day, third, fourth and, on the fifth day was a Saturday, I didn’t know where she was going that morning, but she was all dressed up as at 8am, I was washing my cloths outside when she came to tell me that she was ready. I greeted her, she didn’t even answer me. She turned her back and left after telling me she was ready. I rinsed my hands and followed her. I know she was pained, she has the right to be because I have disappointed her, I failed her when I left her, I allowed my friends to mock her because I was cheating on her. As I carried her, I noticed she had lost some weight, she was so lite on my hands. She must have been thinking and worrying so much that she doesn’t even know that she was losing weight.
The 6th day was a Sunday, I carried her to the gate. When one of my neighbor’s 6 year old daughter saw us, she started laughing and said, “uncle is carrying aunty seyi” I smiled when she said it.
The final day was a Monday, it was a public holiday. I just woke up, as I was browsing on my phone, a text came in, it read “am ready,” it was from seyi. I checked the time and it was 7:15am, I didn’t know where she was going. I stood up, I went outside my room and saw her at her door, she wore a very beautiful gown. I could remember, I accompanied her to the place she went to buy it. The gown was sleeveless with beautiful flowering stripes and designs. The first time we went out together as lovers, that was what she wore and all eyes were on us that day as we walk down the streets of somorine. “You are looking gorgeous” I said to her, “Thank you” she replied. “How was your night” she asked. I was surprised she asked how my night was, because on previous days when I started carrying her, she doesn’t even ask me. This day, I noticed that her countenance changed, she seems to be in a good mood. I told her my night was great. I carried her, she has indeed lost some more weight. As I was taking her to the gate, she was looking into my eyes, our eyes were just gazed at each other. One singular thing on my mind was, “God please let this thing not happen,” Is this the end of the union! Some kind of strange thoughts and imaginations started popping up on my mind. Immediately I dropped her outside the gate, she left. It looked as if I was free, I felt relieved. I realized that the decision I want to take at that moment was right and was the best. I had to rush inside the house and prepare as fast as possible, do it before I change my mind. I took my bath and off I went to gate. Immediately I got to fausat’s house, I knocked at the door, she asked who was that, I told her it was me, she rushed out immediately as if she was waiting for me. She was going to hug me but I resisted. I flipped her body away, “am sorry, am no longer interested in this relationship, am going back to seyi,” I said. She laughed, “stop all these nonsense joor,” she said. She asked me to come inside but I refused. “Are you serious” she asked. “yes I am” I replied. She landed a slap on my right cheek. Well I deserve it, I caused it because I belittled myself, I brought it upon myself when I started double dating. I turned around and I was leaving the place. Fausat was calling me but I never answered. I left the place and left it for good, never to come back there again. I went to a friend’s place to stay, I know fausat must surely come to the house to check on me, so I didn’t go back home.
2 days later, I made up with seyi, the love of my life..
.
.
-------The End------



Akpos’s father’s tenant came into the room and saw Akpos trying to commit suicide. The following conversation ensued:

Tenant: Akpos! Wetin you de do so?

Akpos: I dey try commit suicide, as Papa dey always complain say my life dey worthless!

Tenant: That one no good now, but why you come tie de rope for your waist?

Akpos: Bros, no be small thing o! I bin tie de rope for neck, I NEARLY DIE!




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-31 22:58:07

299 Views




NATU HEADQUATERS LAGOS NIGERIA, 21ST OCTOBER
2013. Sani Madawaki came down from his office which was
located upstairs in the NATU building. He was the
director of NATU.
The ‘nigerian anti-terrorist unit’ was formed in the year
2011 to curb the bokoharam crises. 500men were
chosen from the nigerian police force, nigerian army, navy and all other military and paramilitary
organizations to form NATU. In 2012, they went to the
united states for intelligence training and came back
later that same year. They where posted to all the
bokoharam infested communities but due to constant
collision with the JTF and coupled with the fact that members of bokoharam had escaped from those areas,
the nigerian government decided to post them to other
states to aid intelligence.
250 of those men were posted to lagos state, the rest
were posted to other geographic locations but have
since stopped working due to the backlog of salaries they are been owed. According to the federal
government, the formation of NATU was illegal and it
was duplication of office since other military groups
can do their jobs. Lagos state government however
accepted NATU and have been paying them. “Jimmy, i just received a call from the commisioner of
police, a sniper shot someone in the court in ikoyi.
Check for any storybuilding inside 15metre radius in the
court premises” sani instructed “Got it” Jimmy replied. He was pretty fast. He was a
computer operator in NATU.
There are 4 storybuildings in that location But
according to reports, the bullet came at an angle of 45°
which leaves us with only the Gmax building”
“Good job Jimmy, any traffic camera in the location?”
sani asked. “Even if there is a traffic cam, it wont be able to get the
suspent, he was in the sixth floor” Jimmy replied “fuucckk it!” sani exclaimed. He doesnt like working
under pressure,it makes him look like a newbie. “Although, i think we can use satellite imageries”
Jimmy chipped in. “Nah!! It wont give us the facial properties of the
victim” “I know, but we can use it to know his location. Jimmy
said. “Do it” sani said with a tone of finality and walked back
to his office.
**************
Barrister clement was still on the floor, he had just been
shot on his arm. All the police officers had since fled the
court. Mr. Jacobs was whisked away using the
blackmaria. Few minutes later, soldier officers arrived
the location and cleared everybody out of the court.
The case was adjourned till further notice. Meanwhile, agent white was still suprised how he
missed. Barrister clement had put his hands at akimbo
and agent white wanted to shoot through the h0l£
formed by his hand but immediately he wanted to pull
the trigger, Barrister briggs brought his hands down.
White wanted to abort but it was too late, he had already pulled the trigger. The bullet met Barrister
Clement on his arm. Before he could adjust and aim, the
courtroom had become rowdy. He didn’t see Grace
again and every other person Had taken cover. He had
failed in his operation. Paul adeyemi walked into a building. He slid his keycard
at the slot and used his fingerprint. The door opened at
once. He entered and met three men inside. “Where is agent white?” he asked. “he is not yet back, one of the men answered him”. He
did as if he wanted to unbotton his shirt and he
brought out a little camera. It was the camera that the
people in the building where using to monitor the court
session. You would never know there was a camera
there, you will only see his silver coloured large button. He paced around the hall for a few seconds, removed
his wristwatch and slammed it on the wall.
“we failed!!!” he shouted. ****************
“Jimmy what have you got?” sani asked, coming down
from his office. “I used satellite and i got our man, he came down from
the Gmax building at exactly 1:20pm. I switched to
street cam to view his face but it looks like he is a
proffesional, he was putting on a hood and bent his
head so i wasn’t able to see his face” Jimmy explained. “You mean you lost him?” sani asked impatiently. “chill!! He entered into the mall by the street.
45minutes later he came out and i sent agent musa to
stalk him. We got his address, we are just waiting for
your orders to arrest him.” jimmy explained. “Jimmy, thats a decoy, the real shooter must have
escaped through another route or is still in the mall”
sani said. “Not according to neighboors” Jimmy chipped in.
His neighbours claimed he Is an armedrobber who had
been terrorising the area and just recently, he has been
seen with strange faces” “Jimmy this is terrorism we are talking about, not petty
robbery” sani explained. “It still doesn’t hurt to bring him in for questioning. He
is our only viable lead” Jimmy advised. “Okay then, call agent musa, tell him to go with few
other field agents” sani said. Just then his phone rang
and he picked it. It was the special advicer to the
governor on security matters. Sani picked the call. The
special adviser just wanted to know how far they where
with the investigation. “we have a suspect sir, we are bringing him in for
questioning as we speak” sani replied and the line went
dead.
++++++++
Agent white walked into the building dejectedly. He
dropped the bag containing his sniper on the table and
located a chair to sit without caring about the four men
who were staring at him.
“Tunde what went wrong?” Paul asked. Tunde was
white’s real name. They only use their various pseudos when going for operations. “It was just some technical glitches” white replied. “Hope you weren’t followed” one of the men who had
been silent asked. “Can they follow shadow? I made sure they lost track of
me” white replied. “Good. We just received intel that Grace has been
admitted in Blue-cross Hospital” Paul informed him. “Alright then, i will have to finish what i started” white
said. “Nah mehn, i’ll just have to visit an old friend” Paul said
and smiled.
******************
A Hilux van drove into the NATU building and went
straight to the parking lot and parked.
The driver first came out then four other men came
out. One had handcuffs on his hand and from the look
in his eyes, you can tell he was in a sorry state.
Two men led him into the building while the remaining men stood outside gisting. Immediately sani saw the
men he went towards them.
“Good job agents.” he said
“Take him to the holding room. I will be there in
15minutes.”
The two men led him to the left wing of the building and followed a single lane route which led to the
holding room. “Jimmy i want you to pull his records for me” sani said
to jimmy. “Am on it” he replied.
*******************
Instead of the normal police station where Jacobs was
previously kept, he was transported to the kiri kiri
maximum prison located in ojo, Lagos. According to the
policemen, it was for his own safety as the kiri kiri
prison is more secured than the police cell. Jacobs had
protested and wanted to call his lawyer but he remembered that his lawyer had been shot so he
resigned to fate. The prisoners he saw there were not
smiling. They all had this ‘dangerous aura’ radiating
from their body. He stood there looking like a kid who
was entering his class for the first time.
“Come, na ajebor you come form for prison? Shey our face look like television” someone asked him. He didn’t
know how to reply him so he just stood there and
continued staring at them like a scarecrow. “You be kuruma abi? Oya skido go draw that guy come
here” he ordered.
A huge guy stood up and started advancing towards
him. He nearly fainted only looking at the guy’s biceps.
The guy just came and hung his hand across Jacobs
neck. “Make una leave this one, him never dey used to here
naim make” the guy spoke. “Attah wetin be your own na? Na the third prisoner wey
you don save today be this o, make e do you o” the guy
barked. Attah didn’t reply him, he just drew Jacobs to
one corner and they started chatting.
++++++
Sani walked into the holding room with a file in his
hand. He came with one other man. He started reading
from his file
“Philip mba, arrested for armedrobbery, grantheft auto.
Convicted once and is just coming out of prison.
Tell me, do they have sniper classes in the prison” “I dont know what you are talking about” philip replied. “You see this man here, he is a former police officer. He
is trained to inflict pain without remorse”
The man dropped his bag, opened it and brought out
it’s content. Inside the bag was one pressing iron, one
‘talk true’ and an electric wire. Sani brought out a picture and showed him. The man in
the picture wore a black hood and a khaki, he was
bending his head so his face wasn’t visible. “Thats not me, i dont bend my head when walking” he
replied. By this time, the other man had already
plugged the pressing iron to an electric source, philip
swallowed saliva when he saw it. “But you were wearing this same cloth in the same area
at the same time we were looking for this man. Is that
a coincident?” sani asked.
Philip started getting the connection. “i can explain” he shouted “start talking” sani said. “I was in that mall when a young girl was passing
without looking up. She was holding a liquid. Before i
could stop her, she hit me and the liquid poured on my
cloth. A youngman who was watching the wh0l£ event
bought this cloth for me. I even saw when he bought it.
I had to wear the new cloth because i was getting late for an event.” philip explained The two men weren’t satisfied with the explanation.
The other man raised philip’s shirt and use the hot iron
to press his skin. Philip shouted, his screams filled the
wh0l£ room. Doctor the patient at ward 18 just woke up and is
requesting to see you” a nurse informed Dr. Amos. “I will be there soon” Dr. Amos replied. Meanwhile, in ward 18, Grace had just woke up from
sleep and the first person she saw was paul.
“Hello sweetheart” he said.
She wanted to scream but he quickly covered her
mouth with his hand.
“shhhhhhh!!!! am not here to kill you” he said. “Am just gonna give you this injection and you will go
into a long sleep. When you wake up, you might be
lucky to remember your name”
++++++
Dr. Amos was walking fast, he was about reaching ward
18 when nurse Amaka called him.
“Dr, you are supposed to be in the theater” she said. “yes, i’ll be there shortly, Dr. Mark is already there” he
said and wanted to go when the nurse held his arm. “what is it Amaka?” he asked. “Its just that Dr. Mark is relatively new to suggery, i
think you should be there” she said. “Dont worry Amaka, i will be there as soon as i finish
from this ward” he replied and still wanted to go but
Amaka still held his arm. “Remember our date?” she asked, smiling mischiviously “i do, Dr” Amos replied.
“can i go now?” Amaka was still thinking when he turned and started
going. Amaka ran after him but she was too late, he
opened the door to ward 18 and entered.


>>

The Nigerian police has advised all to avoid the
following places as they have been identified as hot
spots for Ritual Killings:
1. Ota, Ogun State
2. Lambe, Ogun State
3. Ikorodu,Lagos State 4. Mowe, Ogun State
5. The Bridge linking Abiola Garden with Otedola
Estate, Lagos.
6. Isheri Olowo-Ira under Bridge, Lagos
7. Toyota Bus Stop on Apapa/Oshodi Expressway,
Lagos (Clifford Oji's former location) 8. Waterfront River Niger area Of Onitsha, Anambra
State
9. Isiala-Ngwa, Abia state
10, Igwurita, Muruokoro, Port Harcourt, Rivers state
11. Ilorin-Oro Road, Kwara state
12. Lokoja-Abuja Expressway, Kogi state 13. Kaduna Eastern By-Pass, Kaduna state
14. The Bank of River Kaduna, Kaduna state
15. Kaduna/Abuja Expressway, Kaduna state
16. Abuja Motor Park,Kaduna
17. Kawo Motor Park, Kaduna
18. The Railway tracks, Kaduna These are police emergency numbers in Lagos,
please:
POLICE CONTROL ROOM 1 - 07055350249 and
07035068242.
RRS CONTROL ROOM 2, Alausa - 08065154338 and
07055462708 CONTROL ROOM 3 SHQ; - 08079279349 and
08063299264 and 767 toll free line.
If you by mistake fall victim quickly send an sms/
pre-text message to all or any of these numbers.
Make sure you drive at the middle of express road
at all times. If anyone tells you that your car is sparking or there is fire or smoke coming out from
your car bonnet, please do not listen just drive on.
That is their new tactics.
Pls kindly advice your loved ones accordingly. #This Real #AoN


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-10-13 11:53:58

558 Views




A rich man's son who was
classmate to Akpos
told him dat most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret &
dat this makes
it very easy to blackmail them by
saying,"I
know the whole truth." So Akpos
decided to go
home & try it out.
He got home & as he is greeted
by his mother he said,"Mama, I
know the whole
truth."
His mother quickly hands him
N500 &
said,"Just dont tell your father."
Q...uite pleased, he waited for his
father to get home from work &
on arrival his
greeting to His father was"Papa, I
know the
whole
truth"His
father quickly took him aside &
gave him N1000 saying"just
don't tell ur
mother" wow! Amazed by dis, he
ran out to
meet d gate man saying"I know
the
whole truth"d gate man quickly
dropped d
padlock & embraced him really
tight n
said" thank God say u don know
say na me be ur Papa.....!!
Akpos fainted!!!!



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-28 06:25:21

583 Views




Gerald never text,call nor check on me of which am not bothered.wat pains me the most is that i love him like crazy.
David nd i became best friends he always check every now nd then.
I don't hid anytin 4rm him.
Cilia:madam i don serve ur food
Me:i'll soon join u
Cilia:madam i won ask u sometin
Me:wat is it
Cilia:erm oga Dahve na ur friend
Me:yes
Cilia:i mean ur boyfriend
Me:wat? will u get out of my side,wat sort of stupid question is this
Cilia:sorry ma
Me:jst get out
Cilia:u no go eat again?
Me:i said get out
Cilia's question kept me thinkin,yes we are jst friends bt why is David much concerned,well i jst hope all his doin is jst 4 friends sake notin more.
I ve jst 2weeks left 4 my surgery.
**
Niky:Gerald wat re u stil doin wit dat whore
Gerald:she is not a whore
Niky:watever
Gerald:i dnt knw bt i jst like her
Niky:u do wat
Gerald:it's high time we face reality
Niky:wat re u isinuatin
Gerald:lets stop seein each other
Niky:dat won't work
Gerald:well am already married
Niky:get out of my house
Gerald: ok


The great warrior GHENGHIS KHAN died in bed while having sexRelated

Joan: Luke;mom called
Luke: how is she doing?i hope no problem?
Joan: no;she is fine but is like she will be coming today to visit
Ruth: mom;does it mean we are not going to the park today
Joan: i don't think so
Ruth: mom;you always promise and fail
Luke: Love,we can always go with grandma if she comes or you don't want to see grandma
Ruth: i want to see her;will she bring cookies
Luke: you and cookies(enter Muriel)
Joan: she got it from you but why did you stop eat cookies
Luke: i don't know but i just loss interest in it
Muriel: my son is a man now
Luke: mother
Muriel: what?
Ruth: welcome grandma;did you bring me cookies
Muriel: sorry my baby;i did not(she frown)don't worry i will get it for you from the supermarket close by
Ruth: you are the best grandma in the whole wide world(she peck her)
Muriel: this granddaughter of mine is crazy
Ruth: grandma;can we play.....
Joan: let her be;welcome mom
Muriel: thank you;before this little thing take life from me(Luke gave her juice)thanks my son
Luke: mom;is everything all?
Muriel: of cause but your dad want to see you
Luke: which of my dad?
Muriel: how many dad do you have?
Luke: just one
Muriel: good;that is the same dad,who want to see you
Luke: the last time i check my dad died thirty one years back
Muriel: Luke
Luke: what is it?
Muriel: your dad want to see you before he die
Luke: did he resurrect and want to die again
Muriel: are you insane?don't play smart with me
Luke: alright fine mom;the man want to see me and i don't want to see him
Joan: don't you want to get to know your dad;for once give him a chance
Luke: my dad indeed;did he know how i take my first step;was he there;when i had my first words;when i yelled for the love of a dad;when i needed care and love from him;where did he go?he abandon us and walked away with some another woman
Muriel: he is still your father
Luke: yes;that is one fact i couldn't erase from my head;he is my father just in paper
Ruth: do i have a grandpa?
Joan: yes
Ruth: i am excited to see him;dad can we go and see him
Luke: will you keep your mouth shut and stop listening to adult conversation(he yelled at her and she cried)go to your room
Muriel: Luke;are you mad(he wiped his face)what in God's name is wrong with you?
Luke: Love(he bent towards her)dad is sorry(he wiped her eyes)and please don't be mad at dad
Ruth: and you don't be mad at me because i can't sleep through the pains(for the first time in five years he remember Loveth and tears roll his eyes)dad;are you alright
Luke: yes;i am fine(he wiped his tears)
Ruth: then why are you crying?
Luke: i just felt my baby is now a big girl(she wiped his tears)
Ruth: dad;please stop crying
Luke: i am not
Muriel: Luke;when will you go and see him
Luke: i don't know
Joan: Luke put yourself in such a situation,will you be happy that your child refuse to see you at your dying bed
Luke: i will never be like him
Muriel: Luke
Luke: mom;please stop acting like you are okay with him
Muriel: just shut your mouth
Ruth: dad please don't fight with grandma again. just do what she want or will it hurt you
Luke: no;fine i go see him by tomorrow
Muriel: thank you Luke(curtain)

Liz: Lucas;the maid says you haven't eating anything since morning
Lucas: i want to see my kids
Liz: Jude;is on his way
Lucas: with his wife
Liz: yes
Lucas: What about my other son?
Liz: i don't know but i heard from a reliable source that he is married and have a five years old daughter
Lucas: i wish he comes with his wife and kid also(enter Jude/Loveth)my son
Jude: dad(he walked into his embrace)i missed you dad;for complete five years,we didn't see each other and you did not bothered to come to my wedding
Lucas: i am sorry son
Jude: dad;we used to be really closed then
Lucas: i am sorry my son(they hugged again)welcome home;my son
Jude: come on Loveth meet my dad
Loveth: good day sir
Lucas: how are you?
Loveth: fine sir and how is your health
Lucas: coping with it
Loveth: things will get better sir
Lucas: i hope so
Liz: go in and keep your stuff
Loveth: thanks ma(she walked into the room and remember this was the same house five years back when she was being force to leave superman and she share tears)
Liz: i will just go get some stuff from the market should in case we have visitor
Jude: what happen to the maid
Liz: your dad doesn't like it
Jude: alright(exit Liz)dad;go on and tell me;what happen to you?
Lucas: that is a story for another day but please;promise me you will accept your brother when you two meet
Jude: i hold no grudge against me;he is my brother after all and i love him because he is the only kid brother;i have
Lucas: thank you my son(both hugged)go inside and relax
Jude: alright(curtain)


Joan: Luke;why didn't you purchase sufficient petrol before now
Luke: i thought it will be enough for the journey;i don't know the man live in a desert
Joan: Luke
Luke: alright;i just pack here and go get it
Joan: alright
Ruth: dad;can i come with you
Luke: no;remain in the car(he walked into the filling station)young lady can i get twenty
Sales girl: of cause you can;at your service(he sells for him and walked to the car)bye sir
Loveth: why in this world should i have a bad tyre now?excuse me Mr(to a strange boy)can i get a mechanic around(Ruth saw her from the car and ran to her and mom yelled her name inside the car)is there any around?
BOY: over there ma
Loveth: thanks
Ruth: Ma Loveth
Loveth: Love;how are you?
Ruth: i am fine ma
Loveth: don't tell me,you left your nanny again?(she bent to be in same height with her)
Ruth: no;my nanny is at home and i came with my mom and dad
Loveth: really(Luke walks towards them)
Luke: Love(she raise her head)Loveth
Loveth: Superman(they both stared at each other)
Ruth: dad;ma Loveth save me(nor of them say a word they both just stared)dad(she tapped him)
Luke: Love;come on;lets go(enter Joan)
Joan: Loveth(she make a smile)what are you doing there?
Loveth: i was....
Ruth: mom;she is the one who save me and she is my friend too
Joan: really
Ruth: yes
Loveth: i have to go
Luke: come on lets go(back to the car)
Ruth: mom;why didn't you tell my friend thank you
Joan: sorry next time;we will
Ruth: alright(he turn the car to return to his house)dad;we are going back home?
Luke: yes;i just do not feel like seeing that man today
Joan: but why?what will you tell your mom?
Luke: nothing;when i feel like i will go(he enter his compound)Loveth
Joan: Loveth;so is Loveth that is making you act strange
Luke: will stop acting immature;i call my daughter....
Joan: Love and not Loveth;do i have to rub mud over my body to beg for you love
Luke: will you stop it;my daughter is right here
Joan: are you ashamed to let your daughter know about your.....
Luke: baby go in and wait for dad and mom
Ruth: alright;please don't fight
Luke: i promise(exit Ruth)what are you thinking bring stupid issues in front of our daughter
Joan: i know she still occupies your heart
Luke: you can think whatever you want to think but keep me out of your stupidity
Joan: fine;i will not say anything(curtain)


Jude: dear;why did you come home early
Loveth: i have a bad tyre and i have to come home
Jude: sorry dear
Loveth: is okay;let me go prepared dinner
Jude: no problem
Loveth: alright;where is dad?
Jude: he is in his room
Loveth: alright,i go ahead
Jude: okay(exit Loveth)mom
Liz: where is Loveth?
Jude: she just walked in
Liz: tell her,'her mom want to see her'
Jude: they return as well?
Liz: yes
Jude: alright(curtain)





TO BE CONTINUE.....


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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This story “The President’s Daughter And I” is written and solely owned by Victor U. James (Vict-Vames).

WhatsApp: 2347060981481
Email: [email protected] gmail.com
Author: VictVames

Episodes:

WAEC PALAVA [Read it]


Let me share this past Story!
When i wrote WAEC, there was this girl that was sitting
next to me. (make i no mention her name).
She had WAEC runs with her boyfriend. When
the exam started I began to shade the ones I
know,45minutes
after. The girl has not started, I told her to shade from mine she
told me her boyfriend will send her answers that I
should relax.
I continued till an hour before the exam time exhausted. I asked again Babe why don't you shade from mine since
nothing has
been sent to you. She told me to relax that she trust her boy friend, i said okay. 30minutes before the time fear griped her. She
said ok dear
let me do as you said. She started shading from
mine, when
it was remaining 8minutes to go she got alert and
it was her
boyfriend's number . She whispered to me,
dear I told you he
will send it. She carry her cleaner clean the
whole thing she had
shaded 4rm mine ,at that time it remain only five minutes to
go. When she
opened her inbox do you know what she
saw??hmmm....................
......................................"Pls send me credit".
Lol
plss giv her a name..


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-09-20 22:09:43

136 Views




FINAL EPISODE

i wouldn't believe my ears, i look at imade and saw seriousness in her eyes, "you wouldn't do that" Mimi said, " watch me" imade said bringing out a gun from her bag, she point the gun to me, at that moment i lost my vioce, was this how i was going to die, "any last words" imade asked me, what is this girl thinking, i looked at mimi "mimi always know in your heart that i love you and am sorry for everything, imade please try and find a place in your heart to forgive her, she did everything for me" i said with pain and tear in my heart, i was ready to died and i pray God accept my soul, " i guess that all, make sure you say hi to the devil when you get there" imade told me, i closed my eyes, ready to let my ghost out, " please imade, don't do this even if you don't need him daniel do, do you want him to grow up without knowing his father" mimi said, i open my eyes because the word father ringed in my ears, i look at mimi who was focus on imade, and as for imade she was lost in thought, "please let him go for the seek of his son,your son" "do you think i care, he must pay for what he did to me" imade insisted " then what will you tell daniel if he ask you how his father died, will you lie to him, and if you do what makes you think the truth won't come out some day, do you know how he will hate you for that" mimi did'nt stop talking trying to save me, i wouldn't believe what i was hearing, "i have a son, imade you didn't tell me i have a son" "shut up, you abandoned me, you scattered my life, after you raped me i took in, but the pregnancy was complicated, i was given a choice aborted the bady and loose my womb or have the child and still loose my womb, after i put to birth which i almost lost my life, i couldn't get a husband, no one wants a woman that cannot mother a child, i should be in my husband house by now, you cauesd everything uyi," her eyes was already full with tear, even i wouldn't hold back my tear.

"am sorry, so sorry i didn't know i costs you so much" i finally said because i didn't know what more to say, "will sorry bring back my womb, or change anything, you destoryed my life all because of a slly revange" "uyi what revange is she talking about" mimi asked looking confuse, " it wasn't any revange imade, it all started as a bet amonge my friends, i was told to have my way with you, which i agreed to at first but when i saw you for who you really are, i wouldn't, i tryed to talk them out of it but they insisted i must. but seriously i was falling for you, in my heart i know,when you agreed to visit me i was happy yes and i told my friends about it, i made up my mind to have my way with you but not because of the bet, because i want to, imade when i was told you left me to die that day i was heart broken" i spoke with a broken heart "what was i to do, i thought i killed you" " and when you heard i was in the hospital did you come to check on me, not for once" i barked at her, "i was sent to lagos to visit my aunt that put to birth, that was why you didn't see me,and when i came back you were already discharged, and you changed your sit in school, and you ignored me, when osazee came to call me that you wanted to see me i was so happy, but i never knew it was a trap.", that was how they got her that day, "imade, i was mad and angry but i didn't send them" i could see confuseful in her eyes "what are you talking about" she asked, "i was shocked to see you there, i tryed to free you but i was given an hard choice too, to have my way with you right there or they will have their way, i didn't have a chioce, am sorry, am so sorry, please forgive me" i begged her.

"out of all the pains, a wonderful son came out of it, let everything go imade" mimi added, " it's not as easy as you think" she said rising the gun to my face, "drop your weapons now" that was the sound of a police man, i was relief and surprise at the same time, how did they find us and who called them, another set of police men came into the building, the boy with a gun surrendered his weapon and all went on their knees except imade who was still pointing the gun at me, "imade please drop the gun" mimi pleased with her, " i won't go donw alone" i close my eyes because i know that was death to me, the sound of the gun shot was heard and the screaming of mimi was also heard,but i felt no pain, i slowly open my eyes and found imade lieing lifeless on the ground and mimi was beside her crying, i couldn't believe my eyes, i tryed and crawled to her, "imade, imade, who shot her, why did you shoot her" i kept shouting at the police men.

PRESENT DAY
years has passed but it still feels like yesterday, imade was buried and i got to meet my son daniel, he look so much like me,with the help of mimi,the family of imade allow daniel to move him with me since i was the father but it wasn't easy,i was later told that a neighbor was the one that called my parents, he saw when the two men took me and quickly wrote down the plate number of the vehicle, they later alerted the police, i was taken to abroad for my operation which was successfull, i can now walk again, and as for me and Mimi, well she couldn't contiune with me which i understood why, i was later transfer by my company to gramary,and i have been unmarried ever since, i refuse to get married not because i don't want to but i want to respect the memorys of my son's mother imade and that is my punishment.

i am 53 year old now,my son daniel is doing wonderfully well,and we have a good relationship,and am also now a grandfather to my little princess julia who is just two and an half old, well my son got married to an america girl 24 july 2014. i was asked by a girl why i was till single, i discovered she is an upcoming writer, and i wonder why not allow her write down the story of my life, it will help most of the youth in making decisions, decision on friends, on sutuations and on everything that makes ones life, don't destory someone elses life so that yours won't be destoryed. Have a wonderful future.

THE END

Thank you all for having time in reading this story and also i apology for my delay in posting this, but i hope you all enjoyed it and learn something from it, as for me i learn a great thing, Do remain bless.


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Mindblowing…..

Santa was looking at mobiles displayed in a shop.

Salesman: Please come inside & choose.

Santa: Bhosadike tu bahar aa aur mera choos…bhenchod!!!!!
????????Related

THE DEADLY MARK
(Love hunters)
Season 1
Episode 6
l
Everybody's attention was drawn to the door that cracked opened waiting silently to know the cause. Daniel sluggishly entered bleeding from the nose. Grace and Lawson rushed him immediately. Cassandra's heart began to beat faster seeing him in such mood. She wanted to rush him too but the presence of Grace prevented her. Then she stood behind watching others interrogat Daniel.
"Where have you been, Daniel?" Lawson asked but didn't get a response. "We have been trying to reach you through a phone call but wasn't going through"
"Baby please talk to us" Grace added holding him tightly.
"I have been at home" Daniel replied in a low voice.
"But i activated your alarm door severally without getting a response"
"I don't just know what happened, i lost conscious. But I'm fine" He managed to disengage himself from Grace and stepped forward.
The room was only visible to the area where they were and every other corner was covered with darkness. Daniel brought out a paper given to him by the post-man which contain the mark and Cassandra opened her eyes widely.
"What's that? I mean where did you get that?" she asked.
"A post-man delivered it to me this morning and disappeared. Since then i have not been myself.." Lawson and Kelly drew closer. He slowly collecting the paper trying to read the mark in silence.
"..and this mark is the same mark i have on my neck without me knowing how it came about"
"Are you saying you don't know how you got this?" Thessy asked touching his neck.
"Yes, and i have been in pains"
"What could this mark represent?" Lawson asked rhetorically still looking at the mark.
"It is a deadly mark!" Cassandra shouted from a distance where she stood alone which made everybody fixed their eyes on her in silence. "It is a deadly mark from Love hunters" she added.
"And who are these love hunters?" Lawson asked and stepped forw READ MORE

It was already 15 weeks our first semester started, exams was fast approaching, time table was out and i started studying hard with adequate preparations. My exam preparation doesn’t stop me with my activities in MSSN in fact when am not in class, you will find me in the mosque reading my book and used the opportunity to attend to any other activities. Whenever am home too, it was night reading till the following morning same thing with Ismaeel even though he was not as serious in reading as me which made me surprise when he told me his CGPA for 100level was 3.95.
Exam was already here and gone and we were given 3weeks break, i decided to travel home but Ismaeel said he doesn’t have any plan to go home as their was nothing to go and do at home, he even sent me to his parent to pass whatever they want to give him through me. I got home was so happy to see every member of my family, its been more than 3 months we last saw each other.
I already had the experience of what is it like being in the higher institution. I gist my Zainab about my experience in school and the hostel, most especially the ugly incident of my neighbour. Zainab was not surprised and in her words “That is very common among students living off campus now, its no new thing, we have them in my school too and i have a friend that is living that life too..they will be single at home but married in school, they will submit all their life to the guy and at the end of it all, the relationship always end in school as 98% of them doesn’t marry each other after school..the girls only useless themselves”.
My parent were very proud of me that have not lost focus in the line i was brought up, how will i even lost focus when i knew the kind of dad that i had. Nimat was already in SSS1 going to SSS2.
The 3 weeks was already here and gone, Ismaeel was already calling me that he is missing me that i should come back to school as early as possible, i went to their house and i was given food stuff, i joined it with the one my parent gave me and we had load of food stuffs from garri, to Rice, Beans and sweet potatoes which is what we Offa people are known to have in abundant. With all the load ii had with me, i had to charter Taxi to the hostel from post office.


>>

Bad network [Read it]


GIRLFRIEND:Gud morning sweetheart 
BOYFRIEND:Gud morning dearling (sending fail) 
GIRLFRIEND:why don`t you want to reply my message, don`t you have my time? 
BOYFRIEND:I have tried to reply but the network is poor (sending fail) 
GIRLFRIEND:If you don`t love me ignore my message, but if you really love me reply me back 
BOYFRIEND:I love you (sending fail) 
GIRLFRIENDo you love me 
BOYFRIEND:I love you baby (sending fail) 
GIRLFRIEND:Never speak to me again! 
BOYFRIEND:I love you sweetheart (sending fail) 
GIRLFRIENDo you want to end our relationship? 
BOYFRIEND:I`m fed up of this shit!!! (message sent) ????




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-07 11:13:09

1938 Views




Akpos and Esther were to get married in one week.
Two days to their wedding, Esther decides to stay in Akpos's house. In the middle of the night, Akpos got aroused and started touching Esther's breasts.
Esther got angry and told Akpos to stop saying, "My body is the temple of the lord."
And just when she thought it was over, Akpos answered saying, "Then let me worship there."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-30 17:42:43

678 Views




Ochuko Was Driving,He Is In An Hurry So He Had To Drive On High Speed.He Didnt Realised That An Army Checkpoint Was Ahead.The Armies Stopped Him And Charge Him For Driving Carelessly,So They Asked Him To Carry 1000 Bricks From One End Of The Road To The Other End Of The Road.Ochuko Had Carried 990 Block Before He Realised That Their Boss [Akpos] Was His Secondary School Friend.He Went To Complain And Introduce Himself To Akpos.Akpos Was Angry To What His Boys Did To His Long Time Friend.He Then Asked Ochuko That How Many Bricks Had He Carried,Ochuko Said "I Have Carried 990 Bricks".Akpos Then Said "PLEASE DONT BE ANGRY.RETURN THOSE 990 BRICKS TO WHERE YOU CARRIED THEM"...Ochuko Fainted.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-19 07:48:07

291 Views




Nigerian Pastors 'gotta' be so religious. Just because a fierce looking person appears in their rooms at night wearing a combination of black and red gown holding a small pot emitting smoke and speaking in a strange language with the pastor's name being called. You hear them shouting Blood of Jesus



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-09 04:34:05

308 Views




Adaku stared at the big bus, reading the inscription on it— THE YOUNG SHALL GROW MOTORS—over and over again.

At the right, a man was loading passengers’ luggage into a hollow space at the lower part of the vehicle.

Obinna studied the items carefully.

Food items abound; palm oil in various types of plastic containers, bunches of unripe plantain and banana, coconuts and avocado.

Again, he wondered if there was enough food in Lagos. He still did not know why Ahanna didn’t allow him carry the plantain bunch and yam tubers his mother brought out.

His small ‘Ghana Must Go’ was pressed firm under his arm. It contained only his clothes, and his money.

When the man loading the bus asked him to bring his bag so that he’d find where to put it, he’d declined, shaking his head.

‘Oga, bring your bag na let me know where best to put it!’ the man, dark and short with dirty jean trousers folded to his knees, barked.

The white flip-flops he was wearing had circular holes at the back of his feet.

He came closer. ‘Oga, give me your bag.’

‘No,’ Obinna said, clutching his bag firmer.

With all the stories he’s been told about Lagos, he decided it was best to carry his bag himself. ‘I will carry it myself,’ he said.

He looked at his mother. Mama Obinna was expressionless. She did not know what was best—to give the bag to the man or for Obinna to carry it himself.

But she trusted his son’s decision, and said nothing.

Ahanna was smiling, that near-mocking display of amusement common to city people when they find everything villagers do funny.

The man was still staring at Obinna.

‘Mr. Man, go and load the other bags na!’ Adaku snapped at him in English.

The man quietly turned away.

Finally, a fat man climbed into the driver’s portion of the bus and honked the horn. The same man that loaded the vehicle walked to the door and announced, ‘Enter according to the number on your tickets!’

Obinna was staring into the piece of paper in his hand when Ada took the ticket from him. She looked at it and said, ‘Sixteen. Your number is sixteen.’ She gave him back the ticket.

He looked at her, their eyes met and he turned away. He bent toward Uzo, his younger brother, and whispered something to him. The boy nodded understandingly.

‘Nna m, bia—my boy, come,’ Mama Obinna said.

He went and hugged his mother. They stayed a little longer together. When they separated, the man calling out the ticket numbers was on number eight already.

Adaku’s eyes were straight into the air. They were blank.

He walked close to her. She quickly clung to him even before he could get close enough. He heard her draw in a noisy breath and wondered if she was crying. But he knew her better. He released her and held her shoulders.

‘Obim,’ he called her.

The tear wouldn’t have come if he hadn’t called her that. He wiped it off for her, at the same time fighting to hold back his.

But it eventually dropped, and they quickly clung to themselves again, as if not to allow people see.

‘Obinna,’ her mother called.

‘Sixteen!’ the man calling the tickets shouted again.

‘Go,’ she said to him, releasing him.

‘Number sixteen! Where is number sixteen?’

As he turned, she quickly reached inside the pocket of her gown and brought something wrapped in white paper. She thrust it into his hand and turned away fast.

He turned to look at her.

The man was now yelling. ‘Sixteeeeeen!!!’

Ahanna called him from inside the bus, waving.

He finally dragged to the bus and climbed in.

As she saw the last view of their bus disappear down the tiled road, her tears couldn’t hold again.

They flowed down her face like an open tap.

His mother came close and embraced her. ‘Ogadicha mma,’ she told her. ‘All will be well.’

But she knew it won’t. All will never be well with him gone. She knew for one that she wasn’t going to sleep that night, and that particularly scared her.

‘Don’t cry, my brother’s wife,’ Uzochukwu said, coming to stand in her front.

She wiped her face and produced a smile.

‘Don’t cry again,’ Uzo repeated.

‘Thank you,’ she said and nestled the boy to herself.

***

The road to Lagos was a long one.

Even though he had a lot of questions, he didn’t ask them.

He didn’t want the other passengers to realize it was his first time to the big city. As Ahanna had told him, once they know that you are new, they would extort you.

He looked round the bus; the people he was travelling with all looked docile and he wondered when he’d meet the bad ones.

The area boys.

The omoniles.

The ashawos.

He was not eager though. He wished now that Lagos would be as quiet and serene as the bus was.

He looked out through the window, the vegetation he could see now was different. There were no palm trees, only short trees with lush canopies. He didn’t see houses. He did not know where they were now.

Ahanna had told him when they got to Onitsha and Asaba, but now he was sleeping.

Many of the passengers were too. In his front, a large woman was snoring. The way her head hung loosely down, he wondered if her neck bone was still intact.

He did not want to sleep. Maybe there was just one bad Lagos person among them that would come and steal his money while he was asleep.

He felt a headache and quickly pressed his bag to be sure the money was still there.

It appeared it was.

Forty thousand naira.

Ninety-eight thousand was all he saved from his wheelbarrow business and other meagre jobs he did. He took 48 and left Ada with 50.

His mother had given him ten thousand extra to add to what he already has.

‘Use that and pay for your fare,’ Mama Obinna had said.

He had taken the money and added to the Fifty thousand he gave to Adaku.

He told her she would only tell their mother about the money if things got so bad, out of hand, and she couldn’t get his message.

He pressed his bag again. He could feel the wrapping there, he was sure.

But with slight dread he realized that sleep would soon overpower him like everyone else.

The elderly man sitting beside the snoring fat woman in his front has now joined her in the same posture, both of them looking like a couple at a strange wedding.

***

He didn’t know what happened, how it happened, but when he opened his eyes, the bus was not moving.

Ahanna tapped his shoulder again. ‘Wake up.’

He pulled up and quickly checked his bag; everything appeared to be intact. He exhaled.

Maybe there is really no reason to be so scared of Lagos, after all.

Everyone was going down the bus.

‘Are we in Lagos now?’ he asked.

‘No,’ Ahanna said. ‘Let’s go down.’

‘Why?’

‘We are at Ore. We go down and eat before we continue,’ Ahanna explained.

The food was very expensive. With just N150, he could eat the best of whatever Madam Stainless had to offer at Nkwo market.

So when the girl that served them said their bill was N800, he turned suddenly to her. ‘What did we eat that came to that price?’ he asked.

The girl looked at him and turned away in the most unconcerned manner.

‘O bulo, am I not asking you?’

The girl hissed. ‘Oga, your money is eight hundred.’

He got up. ‘Nekwa, see this small cockroach o! Who do you think you are putting on that face for? Look let me tell you, I have a girl like you as wife at home. A fuller, prettier girl that you can’t even talk to!’

Ahanna paid and asked him to follow him, that he should leave the girl alone.

He tried to explain, but Ahanna only gave him that village-people-mocking smile again and he felt remorseful.

Maybe he’d over reacted.

Maybe he shouldn’t have raised his voice. Adaku wouldn’t have liked it too. Truth is, he was feeling all sorts and he couldn’t help it.

He turned to look at the girl as they walked away.

She smiled at him and shook her head: mockery tamed with understanding.

They got to Lagos at late evening.

From Jibowu where their bus stopped, they boarded a yellow bus to Oshodi.

Obinna was amazed at how the yellow buses never actually stopped fully and passengers had to jump in, women and the elderly inclusive.

He was relieved he had jumped in safely. Ahanna was more experienced.

An okada carried them from Charity Bus Stop to Number 16.

Obinna wondered if people lived in the houses he saw. They were in poor shape, almost pitiable, much poorer than the ones in Obeledu. They were all too closely packed and he wondered if the people living in them swept compounds. If there was any compound to sweep.

Ahanna paid the okada man. He took the feeble notes and counted them. ‘Oga, una money na 250,’ he said, his hand stretched out to Ahanna to return the money.

‘250? From Charity to here?’

‘Abeg, pay me jor!’ He shook the note to mean Ahanna should take the money back fast, as if the quicker he returned it ensured he got the complete pay.

‘Nwoke m, that’s what I pay,’ Ahanna said, turning to beat his bag to send out dust. ‘I live here and I go out every day.’

Obinna saw the man park his motorcycle to the corner of the road and get down.

His eyes ran to Ahanna. He looked unworried, prepared. He wondered if he had dual personalities now; one adapted to life in Obeledu and the other for Lagos.

He stretched out a N100 note to the man before he could get close to Ahanna.

The okada man collected the money and murmured a curse in Yoruba before climbing his okada.

Ahanna told him he shouldn’t have, that that was how okada men in Lagos behaved and that he should get used to it.

‘Forget that he spoke Yoruba o, he might even be our kinsman,’ Ahanna told him. ‘This is what we see in Lagos every day; you have to get used to it.’

He began hoping he would.

He looked round.

The street as small as it was, was crowded.

Dusty cars lined each side.

Hawkers with food items he’d not seen before walked past with their trays.

Lanky shabbily-dressed men and boys with rectangular boxes which they strike once in a while to create a ringing noise— to create attention, he was sure—passed too.

A thin man in dirty clothes walked past with a rectangular metal cart. About twelve black, 25-litre jerry cans were arranged in it.

A young woman tying a wrapper ran out from the nearby compound and called, ‘Mai ruwa!’ waving.

There were shops, kiosks with boxes of Indomie, Omo, long bars of green soap, arranged on a table in their fronts.

Bright-coloured sachets of detergents, Nutri-C, Milo and CowBell, hung on nails on the doors.

There were so many children in the street, most of them half-naked and dirty, but they were all smiling and playing and running around.

‘Let’s go!’ Ahanna said to him.

His voice was loud, almost on the verge of harsh, and again he thought that he was different in Lagos, behaved different. He searched for the reason, and couldn’t find one satisfactory enough.

It probably was the journey, he tried to comfort himself with, even though he thought differently.

They crossed to the other side of the road and filtered through a small gate, barely wide enough for two grown-ups to pass at the same time.

Obinna was surprised to see so many people in the small compound. A middle-aged woman sat at a corner, washing in a big bowl. The thin baby on her back was wailing.

Once in a while she nudged the baby, but it never stopped crying.

A man and a woman sat on a short bench by the wall, holding hand fans. They tied the same kind of wrapper and Obinna knew they were a couple.

There were even more children in the yard. He wondered where they all lived, if there was another bungalow behind the near-dilapidated one he was seeing.

He didn’t understand why Ahanna would decide to buy a house that old.

‘Papilo!’ the tenants cheered as they saw them. Ahanna smiled back at them. A tall, skinny young man wearing only a pair of boxer shorts came out through the central passage. ‘Papilo!’ He held his hand up in the air in greeting. Ahanna shook hands with him.

‘Welcome, where bread?’ he said.

‘How you dey?’ Ahanna replied.

‘O boy.’ The young man was scratching his head, forehead lined.

‘Papi darling!’ a thin female voice called.

Obinna turned. A yellow girl was coming out from a small building at the other end of the compound.

She held a red bucket and a yellow soap dish. A damp, faded-blue towel covered her from the chest down. Obinna stared at her. She joined her two legs together on a flat stone outside the structure and poured water on her legs.

‘Ife mi, bawoni?’ Ahanna said.

‘Fimile jor!’

‘Aa-ah.’ Ahanna was smiling. ‘Wetin I do now na?’

‘Shebi you run early morning go your village without telling me.’

Ahanna laughed. ‘No worry, we go talk about that one later.’

Obinna’s eyes were still on the girl. He didn’t know if he’d call her pretty or not. She was fair, the kind people in his village would call, ‘ocha-ka-omaka—fair beauty.’

The girl looked at him and did something like a smile. ‘Who follow you come?’ she asked.

‘Na my brother,’ Ahanna said.

‘This your brother fine o!’ the girl said. She was staring at Obinna. ‘Arewa omokunrin omo-igbo.’

Her eyes nearly got Obinna embarrassed. He wondered if she was one of the prostitutes.

They entered through the central passage. Ahanna’s room was at the far end. The rooms faced each other, an architectural design Obinna had not seen before.

Ahanna pulled the curtain, a loose faded white fabric, and asked him to come in. ‘Nwanne, welcome,’ he said.

He looked round the room. A small naked mattress was at the corner of the wall on top a carpet so threadbare he couldn’t tell what colour it had been.

Ahanna pulled a plastic chair for him. ‘Sit!’

He took the seat, his eyes still exploring the room. As if there was anything to explore. He was sure the Akira TV on the table no longer worked, owing to the thick dust film that lay on it.

Ahanna picked a small radio from the table and turned it on. A female voice was reading the news. The current governor just held his second-term campaign in one of the major markets and people were trampled as they hustled to get the rice and salt he brought.

Ahanna pitched a long hiss. He grabbed the radio and turned it off. ‘Nonsense!’

Obinna stared at him.

‘These thieves only remember the masses when it’s time for election.’

Obinna inhaled deeply. He was used to that phrase, people calling politicians thieves. But he thought thieves were everywhere, that everyone was capable of stealing. That nobody’s stealing was better. He didn’t want to keep quiet. But he was tired.

When his father was alive, Asika, his father’s friend, always aggressively protested the governance of the then local government chairman. He spoke bitterly of how he squandered the money meant for the community water project.

But when his father gave him fifty thousand naira to help him procure cheap corrugated iron from the market in Onitsha where he owned a shop, Asika returned after many months, saying the building materials dealers have stopped selling at that rate.

But he didn’t return his father’s money.

‘Change into something else so you can go and have your bath,’ Ahanna said to him.

‘Ok.’ He stood up. He removed his shirt and pulled down his trousers.

Ahanna gave him a towel and a bar of Premier Soap.

‘Can I go out like this?’ he asked, gesturing around his boxer shorts.

‘Sure.’

‘Ok.’

‘We’ll get water outside. Let’s go.’

‘Wait, can I get some tissue?’

Ahanna turned to him. ‘Tissue? You wan go toilet?’

‘Yes. That stew we ate at that stop is making my belly turn.’

Ahanna gave him a look, scratching his head.

He didn’t understand. ‘If there is no tissue, give me newspaper na,’ he said.

‘That’s not the case.’

‘What then?’

‘You can’t go to toilet now.’

‘Ah ah, why?’

Ahanna dropped one hand on his shoulder. ‘You see, my brother, we no dey shit for day time for this place.’

Obinna found this hard to grasp. Ahanna continued before he could put a question through. ‘You see, since last month our soak-away spoil, na short cut we dey do.’

He did not know what short cut is.

He did not bother to ask either.

To Be Continued...

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Akpos was trying to send his wife a message since he had travelled and was missing her badly.


He mistakenly sent it to another woman who lost her husband the previous day. 


The message stated: "My lovely wife, all arrangements have been, made for you to join me..it's really hot in here."


As soon as she reads it, the woman faints.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-02-22 10:55:35

248 Views




Eventually things became normal between the engineer and i, i did everything possible to erase his guilt and we became what we were before. Our love grew stronger each every time. Miss Mabel, my mum, comes to us for advice and encouragement. I also enrolled Hanson in the company as the managing director. Hahhaha you might be wondering how come right? Well, Hanson is a wealthy guy though, but his love for me blinded him to the extent that he didn’t mind working under my leadership. ” you father is so furious Hagan, and i don’t know what he is capable of doing when he comes. Please be careful and think of what to do next. He doesn’t like the engineer and you know it” my mother warned when she once paid a visit. “i don’t know what is wrong with dad, i cant do what he is asking of me mum” i encountered. “i am trying my best to speak to him, lets hope things happen the way it should, i am afraid my dear” she complained. I became worried ever since i had that discussion with my mother. But i didn’t care, i was ready to face my dad for the man i love, i was ready to give up my life for the engineer when something happen. Yes something happen and all my dreams with him were shattered!
It the strange visit! Yes, a strange visit from Alex. He didn’t inform me he was coming, i only saw him standing at the entrance when i opened the door. ” why are you here? You didn’t tell me you were coming” i began to walk away after inviting him in. He grabbed me from behind out of no where. He turned my direction to face him. He held me so tight that i couldn’t free myself. “Larbi come on” i tried to force myself out of his web. And that was the first time i called him by his surname. ” i am desperate for you Hagan, please give me a chance, please” he began to plead. He was speaking asif tears were about flow. ” Alex stop this!, i am trying to work out my relationship so please give me a beak! Please understand me!” i yelled at him. “what! Understand what? That you love a player?” he spilled the words out. “what!” i rotated in shock. I saw tears flowing from his eyes. “what did you just say?” asked with a great disbelief. He kept mute. He wasn’t talking. ” Alex what did you say? Talk!” i yelled again. I didn’t want to remember the words but they were still ringing in my head. He was still mute. He wasn’t talking, just crying. And my heart is aching! I moved closer to him and began to hit his chest. Demanding an explanation. “yes Hagan, your engineer, is a player.” i broke down instantly. I could talk back. “i am sure he introduced you to his family, but they aren’t. You can ask him if want. The money you gave out to the guys, was a game they played to take money from you. They know how to go about their scheme Hagan. I am ready to risk everything i have to prove myself right, so i don’t mind if you tell him i am the format. I love you Hagan i really do” he poured his heart out and left. ” my GOD, oh my GOD… Oh My GOD.. What have i done? What have i done my heart… My heart is aching, GOD” i began to wail on the floor. I wept like never before. I couldn’t believe it. I gave myself to him. I really wept, i nearly fainted because it got to some extent i couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t feel anything, tears were just flowing. I was helpless on the bed when he arrived.
I got up and faced him with my back. I didn’t want him to see my tears. I felt his steps coming to my direction. ” don’t come close, just stay where you are” “my love?” he said my namely “are they really your family?” i asked without beating around the bush. ” hagan” he said my name again. ” answer my question” i said calmly. ” i don’t understand..” he tried to explain. ” will you answer the question!” i yelled without turning. ” no they aren’t” i heard his voice in my ears. Yes, it was his own voice and no other voice. He admitted it. I buried my face in my arms in tears… My heart sank immediately.
Guess you can predict what will happen

>>

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

Good Night!Related

CORRUPTION WAR [Read it]


Osinbajo: Mr. President, Mikel scored yesterday Night ?
Buhari: Which Mikel?
Osinbajo: John Mikel Obi of Nigeria
Buhari: What did you drink last night?
Osinbajo: I swear, him score. It was a corner.
Buhari: Osinbade, That means change have catch Mikel and football
Osinbajo: Yes, change has change Mikel
Buhari: Did Chelsea win?
Osinbajo: No, them beat them two one, last minute goal
Buhari: That is corruption, we must fight it
Osinbajo: How?
Buhari: They must replay the match. Call EFCC Chairman for me


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-03-15 13:28:21

365 Views



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