Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:

ijewuru [Read it]


wu can it dix fud up? dnt tell lie o







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-03-06 20:32:36

357 Views



Akpos dreaming [Read it]


Akpos was sleeping one afternoon in the house and started dreaming.

He saw Chelsea and Arsenal playing a match and started shouting; Chelsea will win! Chelsea will win! I say chelsea will win.

Ochuko immediately interupted; It's a lie, Arsenal will win.

Ochuko then bet with Akpos that if chelsea wins the match Akpos should slap him. But if Arsenal
wins the match he'll slap Akpos.

But before the match could finish Akpos woke up.

He got up from the bed and switched on his television.

Chelsea and Arsenal were indeed playing a match and it was Live.

Akpos relaxed to watch the match and Chelsea won the match with two goals to nil.

As the final whistle was blown Akpos got up, ran to Ochuko's house and gave him a hot slap.

Ochuko fell down and almost fainted.

He got up with provocation and asked Akpos why he had slapped him.

Akpos replied; Have you forgotten our bet.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-09 07:32:58

379 Views




Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

-Mother TeresaRelated

Words of Wisdom [Read it]


Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.If you give her a sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.Related

One day akpors girlfriend walk to him and say one man just harass me now akpos say let go there akpors started shouting d person dat beat my wife should come out or u dey fear in front of glass he stay na him he con see one man like golaith akpors say good afternoo broda akpors girl now say he is d one wen d man slap akpors his girlfrend dont run in five minutes to her greatest suprise wen she reach house she don meet akpors already.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-23 07:39:19

541 Views




A farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yam and decided to
drag him to the village square. Half way to the square, the thief said
to the man, "Please, I have forgotten my slippers in the farm, can I go
and get them?"The farmer obliged, "Hurry up! I would be waiting for you
here."He waited endlessly and realised he had been fooled. He went home
and told his elder brother Akpos what had happened. Akpos brutally
slapped him and said, "You are extremely dumb!You should have told the
thief to wait while you go get his slippers for him!".
Please tell me in this story,
Who is more silly?

Akpos or his brother



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-21 06:44:26

488 Views




How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.

~ Wayne DyerRelated

“Jimmy what have you got?” sani asked. “Remember that cyberware we launched? That is
supposed to detect emails with terrorist content?”
Jimmy asked and sani nodded. “well it just intercepted a mail from a well known
terrorist. A truck loaded with snipers is arriving nigeria
via the chad-maiduguri boarder” “Any information on the transporter?” sani asked. “mahamat hassane, a graduate of molecular physics
from oxford university, went back to his country in
2012 to start up a farm” “a graduate of molecular physics from one of the best
universities went back to his country to start a farm? I
think we gat our man” sani responded.
“prepare the chopper and send a tactical team, i want
agent musa to lead the team” +++++ Jacobs was not only shocked by clement’s revelation, he
was dissapointed. They had a wonderful chemistry and
the case was going pretty well, but what he didn’t know
was why his attorney who happens to be his friend will
quit in the middle of the case.
He opened his mouth to talk but words didn’t come out. “I know what you are thinking jacobs but i have to
withdraw for the saftety of me and my family” Clement
explained. “What are you talking about?” “Jacobs i was shot while representing you, My wife went
to the market and when coming back, the cab driver
gave her a note to give me, it was a threat. Junior my
son was coming back from school with a note for me,
he said it was one of the security men in his school that
gave him. All this notes where threats from anonymous people telling me to quit the case or i loose my family”
Jacobs felt pity for Clement. But if he doesn’t get quality
representation, he might end up in jail for a crime he
didn’t commit. “Clement do you know that a poisoned food was sent to
me in this prison? Do you know that my wife was
injected with a drug that would cause permanent
amnesia? You know how difficult this case would be if
my wife forgets everything. Please my friend, i need
you now more than ever” Jacobs begged “My family also needs me, there is nothing i can do. I’v
already found you another lawyer and i’v briefed him
on the case” Clement assured. “Dont worry clement, i’ll represent myself” Jacobs said “What!! Are you mad? Self Representation is suicide”
Clement cautioned but Jacobs had already stood up and
was already been led by a warder back to his prison. “The hearing has been fixed for next 2weeks” Clement
shouted before Jacobs left the room. ++++++++ Dr. Amos sat down and was waiting for a miracle. He
knew Grace would wake up but the question was, “is
she going to wake with her memory?” He checked his
time and he remembered he had missed a very
important surgery. He quickly got up and ran to the
theater. Nurse Amaka entered the room Grace was admitted,
she saw her still sleeping peacefully and she began to
wonder why some people would want to punish such a
beauty.
After standing there for a while, she decided to go back
to her base. Just then, Grace sneezed and she turned back.
Grace slowly opened her eyes, the room was blurred
and she couldn’t see anything clearly, she closed her
eyes for some few seconds and opened it but it was still
the same. “You are awake!” Amaka said and ran to her bedside.
Grace tried to see the person but her blurred vision
didn’t permit her. “what’s your name?” Amaka asked her. Grace was
suprised at the question but she thought it was one of
their logistic problems that they were trying to rectify. “My name is Grace Jacobs” she replied. “What’s your husbands name?” “Olundare Jacobs” Grace replied with a suprised look. ” Which day were you brought to the hospital?” Amaka
asked. “Please nurse, i want to rest. When i’m done resting you
can come and continue your questions” “Oh, i’m sorry” Amaka said and walked out of the room
dissapointed. +++++ How Far is the tactical team?” sani asked. “About an hour away” Jimmy replied. Just then, a man walked into the building and went
straight to sani.
” Lieutenant Bala Usman” he said flashing his ID card
and extending his hand for a handshake.
Sani shook the hand warmly. “you are welcome Lieutenant, what can we do for you”
he asked. “I heard there is a crisis situation here so i came to
render my help in anyway possible” the man said. “Thanks Lieutenant but as you can see, we have enough
personnel to handle the crises” sani replied him
warmly. “Oh, that is not a problem at all, i will stay put until my
services is required. Never underestimate the help of an
Army officer” he replied with a charming smile. “Alright you can relax in the waiting room, i will call you
when we need help” sani said pointing to the waiting
room. The man smiled and went towards the waiting room
while sani turned and continued talking to Jimmy.
“Make sure you set up a communucation line between
we and the tactical team. I want live feeds from the
operation” he said and walked back to his officer. As Lieutenant Bala Usman, walked to the waiting room,
he brought out his phone and punched some keys. The
schematics of the NATU building sprang up. A red dot
was at the west wing of the schematics on his phone.
He turned back and when he saw that no one was
watching, he diverted to the west wing. He continued moving and the red dot started getting closer. He
reached a point and he was exactly at the red Spot. “hey man you are not supposed to be here” someone
said from inside the room. “Ya i know, i missed my way, i was looking for the
toilet” he replied. “alright, go back through were you are coming from,
take a right and you will see the toilet by your left hand
side” the guy inside the room explained. “I dont understand” Usman said, giving the man a
confused look. The man angrily opened his door and came out.
“follow me, he said” he walked into usman’s front.
Usman quickly increased his steps towards the man.
When he was exactly behind the man, he twisted the
man’s neck violently and he fell to the ground and died
without struggling. Usman quickly searched him and removed his keycard.
He went to the door and punched some combinations
on the keypad, he then used the keycard to swipe
through the slot. The door clicked and it opened.
Usman entered the room and behold, different guns
were staring at him. “This is not what i’m looking for” he said and went
towards a shelf.
He looked at his phone and got the password of the
shelf. He punched it and it opened immediately. He
smiled at what he saw.
EXPLOSIVES!!! +++++ The invinsible quartet were sitting on a round table.
Paul Adeyemi Aka sparrow, Tunde oni Aka white, Ebuka
Eze Aka Agunichemba where all present. Only Sani
Abdul Aka charlie who was on official duty was absent. “I just received intel that Jacobs wasn’t the one who ate
the food” Paul broke the silence in the room. “What!! How did you know this?” Agunichemba asked. “The guy who ate the food was the guy who was caught
habouring some terrorist so the news broke out fast”
paul informed them. “Amaka also called the distress line, she said the doctor
gave Grace the antidote before the incubation phase of
the drug could elapse” Tunde spoke. “So you mean she would still remember everything?”
Agunichemba asked. “ma guy everything o” Tunde switched to pidgin. “Attah!! Attah!!” Paul called out. The two other men
were wondering who Attah was. “Only one person know about the antidote to the drug,
and that person is attah” paul said. “And who is Attah?” white asked. “The guy we put in prison, I think its time we shut him
up once and for all” +++++ Jacobs walked back to the prison dejectedly. By then,
the dead body of the guy who ate the poison had
already been evacuated. Attah immediately knew
something was wrong with Jacobs. “What’s the problem” Attah asked him.
Jacobs just sat down quitely and placed his face on his
palm. He started to reminisce. He remembered in the
university when they promised each other to always
help one another when situation demands. Attah thought maybe the Doctor failed in the
preparation of the antidote so he started consoling
jacobs.
“Dont worry, am sure even though your wife doesn’t
remember you, you can show her your wedding
pictures” Attah assured. “Its not about my wife, my lawyer just withdrew from
my case” Attah sighed and spoke
“That shouldn’t bother you, you are ent!tled to your
own lawyer so the government will provide.”
Just then, one of the prisoners aproached them. “I can help you guys bring down the invisible quartet”
he said. “Invisible quartet? I dont know what you are talking
about” Attah replied. “Come on, i heard you guys talking about them. They
are the reason am also in prison” “So how can you help” Attah asked. The guy turned around as if someone was watching
him and then whispered
“we are going out to the workshop very soon, meet me
behind the workshop” he said and left. ++++++++++ Jimmy had already set up live feed at NATU and they
were communicating with musa and his team. Musa
and his team were at the chad-maiduguri boarder
waiting for a truck with the incription
“Hassane farms”
They had stood there for close to 45minutes. They were running operations with men of the nigerian
immigrations. “I see you guys have everything under control, i beg to
take my leave”
Sani turned and saw Usman. “Oh Lieutenant, am sorry i didn’t even have time to
speak with you. Thanks for your interest in the safety of
this country. With men like you, our security would
improve tremendously” sani complemented.
Usman gave his trademark warm Smile, shook sani’s
hand and left. “I have visuals on the truck” musa’s voice blared from
the telephone speaker.
the truck in question was a black one. On sighting the
officers on the road, the driver stopped. “Open ur trunk” Musa commanded. “Nothing dey trunk only cow” the driver spoke
customized pidgin. “Okay i want to see the cows” musa said. “Officer me come ‘nijayria'(nigeria) to bring cow.” he
said. “No problem, lets see the cows” musa ordered. The
driver had no other option than to open his trunk.
He walked slowely and opened it.
“Mooooo ” the sound of cows and their odour greeted
the officers. They used their eyes to scan the truck but
they found nothing. They searched the entire truck but found no sign of snipers.
“We gat nothing on him” musa spoke to his device. Sani was furious. He had just been played again. Just
then, jimmy’s line rang.
“Jimmy nwachukwu” jimmy said as he picked the call. “Sir, the call is for you” he said and gave sani the phone. “Did you enjoy the ghost chase?” the voice from the
other end asked. Sani used his hand to cover the
mouthpiece, he then spoke to Jimmy.
“Trace the call” “Better trace the call fast” the voice said.
“cos in less than five seconds, all your communication
network is going down” “what are you talking about? You know were are going
to….. Boooooooom!!!!!” sani was still saying when they
heard a loud [email protected] in the building. The line went dead,
all their computer screen became blank, their land lines
were disconnected, Power was disrupted. Just then
sani’s cell rang, he picked it up. “You know i thought of killing you” the caller said.
“But that would be waste of cemetery space. And oh, its
nothing personal” the line went dead.

>>

Akpors and oga [Read it]


Akpors is always drinking is master,s wine and be adding water whenever is master is not around so one day na im God catch am him oga buy italian wine kum naso akpors drink small kum add water naso d colour start 2 dey change wen im oga kum naxo akpirs run enta kitchen wen is master saw d wine e shouted akpors ! Akpors anserred oga his oga said who drank d wine i jst bought no reply akpors his oga shouted again so wen akpors came outsyd e said oga i swear u no go hear anytin except ur name if u enta kitchen his oga said is a lie let me enta and confirm e say oga enta wen im oga enta e shout oga is oga ansered akpors now said na whu dey enta d maid house if madam no dey na so him oga run kum parlour and say akpors is tru i cant here anytin except ma name naxo madam shout say na lie akpors kum say madam shey u go try naxo d madam enta kitchen madam! Akpors shouted she replied yeeess na wu b junior tru papa me or oga naxo madam run kum outsyd honey is tru o pls we nid 2 fumigate the kitchen lolllzzz


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-17 20:39:45

633 Views



FUNNY NAIJA [Read it]


1) Where a man Happily meet a lady and when she
goes back to her friends, their only question was "Is
the guy loaded?
(2) Where leaders pretend to be patriotic when they
are in office, out of office, they will turn to ethnic
tigers.
(3) Where a blind beggar will reject a fake naira note.
(4) Where Groundnuts are sold in Bottles


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-31 22:06:45

306 Views




Ek baar railway-station par 1 budha
aadmi baitha train ka intejaar kar
rha tha.. .
Waha Pappu aaya aur uss budhe se
pucha:
“ancle, time kya hua hai…??
Budha: “mujhe nahi pata..”
Pappu: “lekin aapke hath me ghadi
to hai.
Plz bata dijiye na kitne baje hai..?
Budha: ghanta, mai nahi bataunga..!
Pappu: “par kyu..?
Budha: “abe q ki agr mai tujhe time
bata dunga to tum mujhe thanx
bologe aur apna name bataoge..
Phir tum mera name, kaam
puchoge.
Phir shayad hum log apas me aur
bhi baat krne lage,
Hum 2no me jaan- pehchan ho
jayegi to shayad train aane par tum
bagal wali seat par baitho. Fir
shayad tum bhi usi staion par utro
jaha mujhe utarna hai.
Waha meri beti, jo bahut
khoobsurathai, mujhe lene station
aayegi. Tum mere saath hi hoge to
pakka tum use dekhoge..
wo bhi tumko dekhegi shayad tum
2no ek dusre ko dil de baitho aur
shadi krne ki jid krne lago.
Isliye bhai, mujhe maaf karo.!
Mujhe aisa kangaal damad nahi
chahiye jiske paas time dekhne ke
liye apni ghadi tak nhi hai…Related

NEW CREATURE [Read it]


A new creature discovered by american
scientist
but found difficulties in naming it. The
scientist
said anyone who can give it a name and if the
name matches this new creature you will be
awarded with fantastic prizes. So start giving it
name now!!!!!







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-03 19:55:32

488 Views



wise theif [Read it]


Akpos walks into a barber shop,and asked,”can I get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” Akpos left. A few days later Akpos stuck his head in the door again and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut, The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” Akpos left.
A week later akpos came into the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour only.” The akpos left.
The


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-10-22 15:38:35

1036 Views




John woke up still smiling, it was the best
night sleep he’s had
for a long time, he was sleeping in the
comfort of a girl he loved,
no TJ had his leg over his body when he
slept and he was not
sleeping under any orange tree where ants
crawled on his when
he slept, he stood up and went outside,
leaving his friends who
were still asleep, he went to ease himself
under a tree and went
back to inside to lay beside Joy, he was not
the only one who
had a good night sleep, Joy woke up full of
Joy, it had been
almost a year since she had slept beside a
man whom she liked
and who also liked her too, she knew John
was in love with her,
she loved his warmth and manly presence as
they
lay……………………. Thousands of miles away
from them
somebody didn’t have a good night sleep, Mr
Adeboye had
traveled to Enugu in search of his son, he
arrived Enugu around
9pm and decided to lodge in an hotel so that
he could start
searching for his son this morning, he rarely
slept for 1 hour the
previous night as thoughts began to occupy
his mind, he hoped
John was safe and sound, maybe he had an
emergency and could
not come home then his phone got spoilt or
stolen, even if his
phone got spoilt or stolen at least he knows
his phone number,
why didn’t he call, he knew John to be a
responsible man, unlike
him, he had failed as a husband to John’s
mother and he was a
bad father to John, John’s mother had left
him when he had
beaten her for the umpteenth time after he
came home drunk
from the club, she packed her bags and left
his house that very
night never to return again, that time John
was just a year and
seven months old, he felt sorry for the boy,
he never had a real
mother to care for him, he went into the
bathroom to have his
bath ……………………………………………… The DPO was
not in a good
mood either, he called his men out, they all
stood at ease before
him as he addressed them, he challenged
them to show why the
police should be trusted, while the people of
the community
should feel safe and to show that they were
more powerful than
the trouble makers, with that he dismissed
them…………….
Bison had a good night sleep, despite the
events of the last two
days, he had earned about 15 million naira
that week, he had
given his men 100,000 naira for each man or
woman they
brought, now he could buy that range rover
suv like the type that
Chief Dotmann brought two days ago,
business was going on
well, all he had to do was keep on
kidnapping
people…………………. The corpers had taken
their bath at a
stream not far away from the hunter’s
house, they then had their
breakfast of eba and ogbonna soup with
antelope meat, John and
Joy kept making eye contact with each
other, they wanted each
other badly, the hunter came out of his
house carrying his dane
gun, but he was not dressed in his hunter’s
outfit, he told them he
was ready, they were also ready, they were
ready to take the long
walk to freedom
And they started their journey, the hunter’s
daughter was going
with them too as she was going to carry
some of the foodstuff
that her father was going to buy from town,
the corpers were all
happy, finally all their troubles were going to
come to an end, if
they could reach town they were all going to
call their parents, TJ
smiled at his thoughts, if he called his
father, he could go to
extent of sending an helicopter, he father
might not even know
that he’s not in Lagos yet, he was always
busy with his business,
Lagos today and London tomorrow, next
week Johannesburg,
next month Liverpool, well he was already
used to his father not
being around, John too thought about his
father’s reaction, his
father would run to Enugu immediately, he
knew his father would
be worried about him, if his phone had not
been collected by the
kidnappers he would have had over 300
missed calls, his father
does not joke with his only son, Joy didn’t
have any parent or
relative to call, her father and mother both
died in a car accident
in Manchester, that was about 5 years ago, it
was her father’s life
insurance money that was given to her that
she had been using
for her upkeep, she couldn’t inherit her
father’s property yet
because he had instructed in his will that his
lawyer should not
hand any property over to her until she had
finished her NYSC,
now she was going to Lagos to inherit her
father’s property, they
walked through the bush path until they
finally got to the wide
road where Bison’s men had harassed them,
but no one was in
sight today, they continued walking along
the dusty road, John
and Joy held hands and she put her head on
his shoulder, see
gbeke o,TJ thought in his mind, these people
love don reach level
2, love ke? He had never really loved any
girl, all he had for girls
was lust, for him girls come and go, he used
them like recharge
cards, they walked for 15 minutes when they
began to see more
mud houses, they were closer to town, they
passed through the
small community and alas! They were finally
at the tarred road,
their Joy knew no bounds as the spotted a
call center, they all
ran with their full speed towards the yellow
umbrella leaving the
hunter behind, Chinelo too followed them,
they heard drumming
and cheering not far away from them, as
they approached the
call center, the man that was there was
surprised to see them, he
was trying to tell them something, he could
not speak because he
was dumb, he quickly wrote something on a
paper and gave it to
them, the drumming and cheering became
louder as they saw a
croud approaching them, they were probably
celebrating
something, John read the paper, “take the
women away, no
woman is allowed to be outside today “,
before they say Phillipe
Coutinho, four men grabbed Joy, Becky and
Chinelo , it turned
into a tussle between them as more men
came to drag the ladies
away, the hunter had just caught up with
them, he had forgotten
that it was the nwayi festival which no
woman was allowed to
come out for that day, any woman who was
caught outside
would become either the king’s wife or
slave, John took a deep breathe, he could not let Joy or Chinelo go like that, their walk to freedom had just become longer.








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Life is a school of probability.

~ Walter BagehotRelated

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren’t the way you had hoped they would be.

That’s when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down.

But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself.

There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them.

Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are.

So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be.

Because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

Keep Believing in Yourself!


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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How do you define a virgin?

On the Verge but not in!Related

Son: wow! The fabulous Super Eagles Of Nigeria will be playing a football match with Malawi. Can we go to the stadium tomorrow?
Dad: No. U have to queue up to get tickets and even stand during the match. You can see it better on TV.
Daughter: Can we make it to the
trade fair this weekend?
Dad: No sweety, there is grand sales live show on TV every Saturday. We
will watch everything on TV.
Wife: Honey honey, let's go have a
wonderful time at the Nigeria Music Awards this evening.
Dad: Hmm. No Darling, it will be
broadcast live on TV. Better on TV at home
Dad: Daaarling, I'm hungry. What are we eating for dinner?
Wife: U can watch Maggi Family Menu on TV. They are preparing yam and beans porridge.
Enjoy dinner.
Everything is better on TV.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-10-16 08:38:49

201 Views




Majnu Ki Halat To Dekhiye, Kabr Me Pada Tha;

Majnu Ki Halat To Dekhiye, Kabr Me Pada Tha;

Haddiyan To Gal Gayi Thi, Par Land Khada Tha!Related

Reposted by Undisputed Deejay Yheks
Whatsapp: 08132387915

EPISODE 33
Me: Calm down dear, I didn’t know what i
was doing back then, its all in the past now. I
have even forgotten about all of it since
when I gave my life to Christ
Mirabel: But but,,, but geez!! Seven of them
before jss 2?,,,,, alright alright i’m calmed,,,
cool… but that was all before u got to jss 2
right?, then how about when u got to jss 2?
Me: U are not yet calmed dear…
Mirabel: Ok,,, now from your jss 2
relationships, tell me everything and i mean
everything
Me: I have to summarize it dear
Mirabel: Why?
Me: Please dear i have to
Mirabel: Alright for today,,, go on and tell me
about all your bleepees
I will only tell her about the girls i dated,
excluding the free givers and the
opportunities i got.
Me: Ok dear,, I had a girlfriend from jss 1 to
jss 2 . Her name was Taiye my classmate, I
later dated her twin sister kehinde still in jss
2. They both left me after they resolved
their fight over me. Then i dated….
Mirabel: Hold it!
Me: What?
Mirabel: Did u bleeped them?
Me: Come on, Mirabel…
Mirabel: Did u?
Me: Only Kehinde
Mirabel: And u want me to believe that it
was only her?
Me: Yea dear,,, she was the one that even
seduced me…
Mirabel: Hhmmm
Me: U know i won’t lie to u dear
Mirabel: I hear u,,,, oya who became your
next victim?
Me: Ah ahn… sweetheart victim?
Mirabel: Yes of course,,,, victims of bleeps
Me: Hhmmm…. that word seems to be
coming out of your mouth more often
Mirabel: Don’t patronize me
Me: Sorry ma, my next victim was Tochi,,,, I
didn’t toast her though, we just started
dating after i told her that i like her and she
said she likes me too
Mirabel: Then u bleeped her
She sounded serious, but i felt like laughing.
Me: No i didn’t bleep her
Mirabel: Why?
See question oh…
Me: Because she was a good girl whom i
knew would not want such. It didn’t even
came up, we didn’t even kissed. We dated
for two months before she left our school
when her parents changed their
environment to somewhere far
Mirabel: Ok,,, next!
Me: Jummai and I started dating afterwards
when she sent me a love letter when we
were in jss 3. We stopped dating after a little
misunderstanding
Mirabel: Which is?
Me: She wanted me to stop hanging out with
my friends,,, that they were bad boys which i
declined to it
Mirabel: Smart girl,,,, next!
Me: Then I started datin…
Mirabel: Wait! Did u bleeped her?
Chai! I thought she forgot,,, this girl sef
Me: I didn’t
Mirabel: Why?
Me: We never had the chance
Mirabel: If not u would have bleeped her?
Me: U are making this hard for me Ok? I’m
really not comfortable with that question
Mirabel: Why? Didn’t i answered all your
questions in details earlier?? I told u what u
wanted to know, now its your turn to tell me
what i want to know
Me: But…
Mirabel: No but! except u don’t want me in
your future
Me: It hasn’t gotten to that dear
Mirabel: Then lets talk about our past now,
so it won’t affect our future
Me: Alright dear
Mirabel: Good! And consider any question i
ask valid ok?
Me: Ok alright
Mirabel: So,,, who next?
Me: Her name was Florence but she loves
being called flourish
Mirabel: I see…
Me: She started coming to my school during
our junior waec as it is called. I liked her, so
i started talking to her till she agreed when
we got to ss 1. She broke up with me when
she caught me dead drunk dancing hard
with a girl at a party.
Mirabel: Hhmmm…. Smart girl, I’m sure u
didn’t bleeped her
Me: Well, actually…. I did
Mirabel: Dam? it,,,, next!
Me: Miracle
Mirabel: What?
Me: Her name was Miracle,,, my next
girlfriend
Mirabel: More like next victim,,,, go on tell
me about her
Me: She was a Pastor’s daughter. I joined the
school fellowship because of her. I became
friends with her from there. We got more
closer when i started teaching her what she
doesn’t understand and also doing her
assignment for her.
That was how i grabbed the opportunity to
tell her about my intention towards her to
be my girlfriend which she agreed instantly.
Mirabel: Hhmmmm…
Me: Unfortunately, our relationship came to
an end when her father got transferred to
another state… it pained me for weeks till i
met Amina.
Mirabel: Wait na…. I hope u didn’t bleeped
the Pastor’s daughter?
Me: It was so sudden dear,,, it happened so
fast before we know it
Mirabel: Oh no!!
Me: Believe me dear, i didn’t know when it
happened
Mirabel: Of course u won’t know, when u got
carried away by your sexual activeness
Me: I really dunno
Mirabel: Alright fine! Next!!
Me: Dorothy, the daughter of my mother’s
friend.
Mirabel: What class were u by then?
Me: I was in ss 2
Mirabel: Ok continue…
Me: She was a spoilt girl,,, so spoilt like a
biatch!
Mirabel: Did that stopped u from bleeping
her?
Me: Not at all,,,, she was a giver so i decided
to take my share
Mirabel: And u are telling me all that?
Me: I thought u wanted to know everything
Mirabel: Msteeeew…. how did u guys break
up?
Me: I didn’t like her in the first place, so i
left her
Mirabel: After u got your share in excess?
Me: I dunno about that
Mirabel: Of course u won’t know,,,, next
victim!
Me: I would rather call myself the victim on
this one
Mirabel: U’re not serious
Me: I’m very serious
Mirabel: Ok oo… tell me what happened
Me: I dated a girl named Christina
who was my classmate. I only knew her as a
naughty girl and my classmate. Not knowing
anything about her family and where she
lives.
Mirabel: Go on…
Me: We dated for just nine days
Mirabel: What happened?
Me: I lost contact with her when i left the
school
Mirabel: Why did u leave the school?
Me: Because I got expelled
Mirabel: What? why??
Me: It was a very horrible experience
Mirabel ,,,,, so horrible. I feel bad whenever
i think about it
Mirabel: I would like to hear it,,,, come on
tell me. You bleeped her till she fainted or
what?
Me: I wish
Mirabel: What?
Me: No uhmmm i mean its more horrible
than that
Mirabel: Ears open,,, tell me what happened
Me: I got expelled after they caught us in
the act
Mirabel: Bleeping i knew it,,,, but why did u
get expelled?
Me: We were caught doing it in the
classroom
Mirabel: Oh my God!! What’s wrong with u?!!
Me: Its uhmmm,,, what was wrong with me
Mirabel: Not funny!!
Me: Sorry…
Mirabel: How did u manage to do that?
Me: Well uhmmm…
Mirabel: Uhmmm what?
Me: It was after school hour, when we were
waiting for afternoon lesson. All our
classmates went out to play, to eat and some
went home to eat and change clothes.
Christina and I remained in the classroom
doing our assignment. I normally do my
assignment in school before going home, so
that i can do and go anywhere i want without
any worry of when to to my assignment.
Mirabel: Go on… i’m listening
Me: Our loneliness brought the thought of it
into my mind,,, and little vame instantly
agreed to it by responding.
Mirabel: Little vame?
Me: Yea
Mirabel: And what’s that?
Me: My errmmm…. u know,,, my instrument
used in bleeping
Mirabel: Msteeeew…. what happened after
its agreement?
Me: I talked to her about it of which she
tried to decline, saying its risky. But i was
able to make her agree partially.
Mirabel: What do u mean by partially?
Me: She didn’t give me her full approval
Mirabel: So…..
Me: So i like,,,,got in the mood so bad. I was
so turned on as in konji na…
Mirabel: Hhmmm…
Me: That was how i forced it on her
Mirabel: U raped her?!
Me: It wasn’t rape,,, its not like she didn’t
want it, she was just scared of getting
caught
Mirabel: And u got caught
Me: Yea, by the compound master. I
received lots of slaps from him before he
reported us to the school authority. That
was when i knew that her father was the
vice principal of the school. That was how i
got expelled
Mirabel: What did your parents do to u?
Me: They were mad at me but mostly felt
pity on me
Mirabel: Pity? Why??
Me: Because of the torture i got from
Christina’s mother and her colleagues
Mirabel: They took u to the police station?
Me: I would have been so glad if that was
what happened
Mirabel: Then what did they do to u?
Me: Her mother was a soldier
Mirabel: Oh my!
??? TO BE CONTINUED. ???

Original author:
WhatsApp: 2347060981481
Email: [email protected]
Author: VictVames

>>

Just a joke [Read it]


Osinbajo: Your Excellency, they said you are calling me

Buhari: Yes Osimbade. I am not feeling too well

Osinbajo: Should I call the Presidential Doctor?

Buhari: Osimbade don't worry, Aisha will take care of me. I want you to do one thing for me

Osinbajo: What is that Your Excellency

Buhari: Osimbade, I want you to go to Rivers and represent me

Osinbajo: Ah! Your Excellency everything is set for you to go, the plane is ready, Wike has declared curfew and your placards are everywhere in Rivers. You have to go.

Buhari: Osimbade, I wish I can but you know am not feeling well

Osinbajo: Is it because of what those boys said?

Buhari: Which boys?

Osinbajo: Slip of tongue sir but...

Buhari: But what?

Osinbajo: Why is it that you don't get sick when you are traveling abroad so I can represent you. But Last week, you didn't go to Lagos and you told me to represent ypu, today it is Rivers.

Buhari: Osimbade but I promise to send you to Benin Republic to represent me

Osinbajo: But

Buhari: But what again?

Osinbajo: Send Amaechi

Buhari: Amaechi will go and cause another trouble for me there. Oya, go and bath and start going, Wike is waiting


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-06-05 20:38:29

374 Views




Banta: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?

Santa: Most likely, divorce proceedings.Related

Post Bodyaround her. There were many
issues pressing for her attention
and she allowed her feet to carry
her along the familiar road as her
mind drifted far away. All seemed hopeless at home.
Though her father was a
traditional chief, there was little
or nothing to show for it in terms
of finances, as the family
constantly was in the red, having to make do without proper food
for days on end. It was a miracle
that she had even managed to
finish school as she barely ever
had sufficient money to pay the
paltry school fees the ill equipped school she attended charged. In
the village where she was
brought up, it was fashionable to
marry as many wives as
possible, but her father had only
one wife, her mother, because he could not afford to marry another.
Chief Omoregie was not a lazy
man. He had inherited a decent
plot of land from his father when
he died a long time ago, and he
had put his best efforts into it, but it seemed the fates had conspired
against him.


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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NAMELESS (EPISODE ELEVEN) STORIES DA VIBA
Please do not share without taking permission from us, thanks for reading.
:
:
Godson jumped out of his imagination when his phone rang, he looked at it and saw that it was Miriam that was calling him (gat yuh, you thought Boy was died :p)
"Hello dear where are you?", asked Miriam.
"I'm in the hospital", said Godson slowly.
" (shocked) ah! What happened?", asked Miriam.
"I knocked down a boy on my way to meet Segun the guy I told you about", said Godson.
"Why is all this happening to us", said Miriam crying without control.
"Please dear calm down, the boy is still alive", said Godson.
"What of if he dies? What will happen to you?", asked Miriam with her dam-of-tears flowing and in fear.
"Don't worry dear he won't, the doctor is already here so calm down, i will call you back when I'm through talking with the doctor", said Godson standing up and looking at the doctor.
"Ok dear", replied Miriam tapping her phone to end the call.
The doctor walked up to him and asked, "You are the man that brought the kid right?".
"Yes I am", replied Godson hoping for a good news from the doctor.
"Sir the kid is fine, none of his organs were damaged, although he lost blood but not too much", said the doctor.
"(happy) Ah thank God", said Godson smiling.
"Are you his father?", asked the doctor.
"No sir I'm not, actually it was my fault that he is in this state right now, i knocked him down", said Godson feeling regretful for his action.
"Mmm, you are really lucky that the kid has a fighting spirit to stay alive if not he would had died, his lungs actually failed twice during the operation", said the doctor.
"You are very lucky that he survived", said the doctor.
"Do you know anyone he relates to?, asked the doctor.
"No sir but would find out", he said.
"Ok then, you can see him if you want to", said the doctor.
"Sure will, thanks", said Godson.
As Godson and the doctor walked close to the room where Boy was; Godson's phone rang vibrating in his palm, the caller was Segun.
He picked it up then said, "Hello Segun I'm sorry but I'm in a hospital".
"(talks with a bold voice) What is going on Godson", said Segun.
"I knocked down a boy on my way to your house", said Godson
"shit!, that's very serious, I hope the boy is still alive?", asked Segun.
"Oh yes he is, I'm going to see him now as we speak", said Godson.
"ok thank God", said Segun.
"Since you can't come over my house, I will just tell you why I called you to come quickly", said Segun.
"Please tell me Segun", said Godson.
"Some of your goods didn't go down the high-sea, the ones that went down the high-sea were the cheap ones which were sent first but the expensive ones which were later sent are still intact and would be arriving next week", said Segun.
Godson couldn't believe what he was hearing (all his goods were always sent together including cheap and expensive), his life turned around that moment, everything around him at that moment was joy, that day became a day of sweet sugar.
.....ONE WEEK LATER.....
Godson was able to contact people from the charity home and Boy was back to normal (not yet fully re-covered), Godson felt pity for Boy after he heard all that they told him about Boy's past and he made up his see mind to adopt Boy as his own son.
He never for once told Miriam about his plans, he wanted to surprise her but was he doing the right thing? Was Miriam his wife going to accept a Kid who she hardly know after she lost her own child? Was she going to get mad at Godson for keeping it a secret from her?, well wait and find out in the next episode.........to be continue.
-Dindy-> Life has a good plan for you, just wait, be patient and be good.
This story is brought to you by Stories Da Viba and was written by;
1). Nonsegzy
2). Evybliss
3). Princeprezide
4). Dindy
5). Blexxybaby
6). Nelly
Watch out for episode 12, your comments are needed... Please like our page on facebook "Stories Da Viba".



NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Sunny Leone Ne Tailor Ko Ek Rumaal De Ke Kaha, “Meri 3 Dress Bana Dena.”

Abb Aap Tailor Ka Confidence Dekho… “Madam, Baaki Kapde Ka Kya Karu?”Related

A severe lash of cane sent me hurrying to my feet
the next morning.
“So you’re still sleeping?” My Madam asked
looking ferociously at me. “So you’re still sleeping
by 7am?” She repeated lashing out two more
strokes of the cane. “Who are you waiting
for to clean up the mess in the kitchen and sweep
the house?” She asked.
“I’m sorry ma,” I sobbed.
“Come on, go and do your morning function!”
She barked as I ran out of the room and into the
kitchen.
*************************************
It wasn’t my fault that I woke up late that
morning.
I had overworked myself the previous night
clearing up the dishes that was used in preparing
and serving the meal for the night.
By the time I finished and went to bed, the night
was far gone.
I sobbed as I washed the remaining dishes in the
sink and swept the entire house.
“Make sure you fetch water after sweeping that
thing,” my madam’s harsh voice reminded me
from the bedroom.
“Yes ma,” I replied hurrying up.
The buckets I used in fetching water were those
big saclux buckets that were so heavy that I
never attempted to fill them to the brim.
I was to fill one very big drum in the front
verandah with another at the back.
For more than 3hours I ferried the buckets from
well to drum and back.
By the time I finished, I was very hungry and
exhausted.
My madam gave me two slices of bread and a
cup of mixed water in the name of tea.
The mixed water was tasteless, hot and almost
burned my tongue in the first sip.
My madam was married to a well to-do
husband and they already had 3kids the last of
which was very tender.
It was obvious that she was the one I came to
babysit.
The other two – a boy and a girl – were much
older but still needed certain degree of babysitting
like bathing them and washing their clothes and
even feeding them as at when due.
But then the tender baby gave the biggest trouble.
She cried a lot and more often than not always
put me into trouble.
With only two slices of bread and mixed water in
my tummy, I carried the baby about trying as
hard as I could to quell her cry.
“Why is that baby crying?” My madam asked
walking into the sitting room.
“I don’t know ma,” I replied with terror.
“Gbawam!” A very hot slap landed on my right
cheek and I nearly dropped the baby out of pain.
“What did you just try to do now?” My madam
asked advancing ferociously towards me.
“Please I’m sorry ma,” I pleaded sobbing.
The raised voice of my madam coupled with the
sound of the slap further increased the baby’s
crying and my madam took her from me.
“Come on, go and put hot water on the fire for
her pap!” She thundered and I ran into the kitchen
in obedience…

Drop your comments below


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typical mother [Read it]


Mothers are like: 


Age 13: Stay away from boys, they are dangerous. 


Age 18: I know you have a boyfriend but don't let me catch him wit you. 


Age 23: I've not seen your boyfriend o. 


Age 28: When are you bringing a man. 


Age 33: You are not getting younger, bring any man, don't be selective. 


Age 38: You have to manage him, he is our only hope right now.




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-04-11 09:05:45

227 Views




ANGELS 6


(THE WRITER TALKING)AME story ended at episode 5 because she got what she wanted.and she was happy all through her angelic ministry.but it was not the end of the story.
Remember when AME said that there are other angels apart from warrior angels.well she was right.now let me take you on a journey of a messager angels.believe me I won't be the one telling you about how the messager angels operate.they would................now sit back,relax and read about them .............................................
My name is CIONS a messager angel.unlike warrior angels we deliver message and blessings to humans.we move in groups sometimes we moved individually.angel MICHEAL is the strongest of all messager angels. we even ran into different types of demons and beast that stop us from delivering blessing and Gifts to human.some even pin us down for days but they don't hold us for too long because angel MICHEAL always comes to free us even ought sometimes it could take up to 3weeks or more or less.sometimes we go on missions with warrior angels because of the demons we may have to face on the way to deliver the blessings to humans.now that you know little about us.let me take you on a little ride down the story lane of messager angels.and I will tell you about how I and a warrior went on a quiet tough mission.well the mission wasn't so tough for me like that but I can't say about the warrior angel because he had to do the fighting and fighting.his name was LIOBCE.it all happened like this.......................
Angel MICHEAL:CIONS,LIOBCE.come forth thee and take blessings for the home of Grace and cage the evil that moves around the home. LIOBCE shall be with thou as thou collect this mission.I took the blessing from him to deliver it to the home of Grace.LIOBCE was right beside me as we flu together down to earth.
Grace was a married woman who has been praying for years for a child and she also prayed for her husband to get a job in a multinational company.but each time she prays the witch and demons in her area and her home blocks it. sometimes they hang it in the sky.and some of the witch are on the roof of her house.while some are in front of her house . we were suppose to deliver the message to her first then go face the demons and witch present in her home and area but things didn't work out that way.
As we descended down to Ghana where she was based.we were in the sky when we saw the witch of her home invoking the spirit of frustration to fall on her.when the witch saw us she tried to run away from us but she was not faster than us.we cast her down to a cage that was right under Grace house.As she fell down to the cage her form changed to mud.
Then we went to her house.on getting there two demons were right in front of her house. They were short like a normal evil demon should be.they had horns and their skin was dark.their teeth was like that of a dog.
Demon 1:please step back you angels of the LORD.blessing and good news is not for this home.
Demon 2:her great grand father made a seal with our master and that seal can't be broken.she and her household shall continue to suffer.until they die
CIONS:who are thou to stop the blessing or good news from the LORD.she is a daughter of GOD so thou have no saying or conclusion over her life.she is a daughter of light not darkness.her life has been given light not darkness.she choose Light not darkness.so thou can't hold her back with thy evil seal.her time has come to be free of you demons.
Demons:no it shall not happ........they said simultaneously.but they were not able to finish their statements because LIOBCE knocked both of them away from the front door with his leg.......(CIONS talking)LIOBCE is not an angel of too much talk.he likes starting a fight with demons by throwing the first punch especially when they start talking simultaneously........
LIOBCE:CIONS go deliver the blessings to grace.i shall take care of this little unholy demons.
I matched forward as LIOBCE went towards the demons who were already back on there feet.
I went in.every where was filled with the spirit of pain and sorrow.happiness was not found in the house.the walls were all engraved with hopelessness.i moved to her room where she kneelt down and prayed
Graceh lord please help me.i have been like this since 14 years of marriage.no money.no child.i feel like I don't have a future.oh Lord I need your help.i need your blessing.oh LORD save me from this pain and sorrow.lord help me..... She prayed as tears ran down her eyes.
I looked at her then I dropped her blessings on her head.then a cold breeze filled the room........(CIONS talking) when blessings are being released cold air or rain or happiness or you could have a warm feeling.you humans don't know that because of the ignorant nature you live by..............I left her and went to help LIOBCE.as I got out side LIOBCE has already caged them......(CIONS talking)LIOBCE is one tough warrior angel.he knows how to deal with demons.........our job there was done so we flu back to heaven.for another mission awaits us ................................................to be continue.......story by DINDY.....WhatsApp number:07087750433....facebook namessy nnamdi
PLEASE DO NOT SHARE WITHOUT TELLING ME



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If someone waits for YOU, it doesn’t mean that they have nothing else to do;

It just means that nothing else is more important than YOU!Related

Nsukka Babe [Read it]


A wife
went on holiday
leaving the husband
behind. The husband
got so Hot one day
that he decided to try the maid who
had just come from
Nsukka village and who
seemed clever. ... He
called the maid to his
bedroom where he had taken off his pants,
he
pointed to his manhood
when the maid arrived.
Husband: Do you know
what this is?
Maid: (actin Shy) Yes Husband: Do you know
what it s for?
Maid:Yes
Husband: show me. The
maid immediately
dropped to her knees held the item with both
hands
drew
closer and opened her
mouth. The husband
was shivering with anticipation . The maid
then began,"My name is
Chinasa , I'm 23 years
old and I'm from
Nsukka. I
want to make a shout- out to my parents,mr
and mrs Chigozie, my
uncle, Broda
NnamdI aka' chop my
money and MY auntY,
MRS IFEOMA, I would also
like to tell my boyfriend
Johnny that I miss him.
Can u play me Ashawo
by Flavour Nabania?"
Then finally says to the man," Oga,take your
microphone I'm
through.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
The man dey hospital now.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-08-18 21:43:33

1463 Views




TD writing for Chad.
.
I will always remember two things about the man called Ken. One, he was the most ruthless man i have ever met. And, Ken took no prisoners. It was past four in the morning on Wednesday when i became aware of these important facts. He was revving the car i was driving when i was abducted on Saturday morning. This time around, however, i wasn't inside.
* * *
There is a reason i'll forever respect our father. Not because of anything Tango said he did for me. No. I'll always respect him for being the best father Tango could have had. He was the sole reason Tango got a chance to have lived this long.
.
When we were five, Mom started our significant birthday tradition and as i was technically the first born, i was given the preference of having the maiden one celebrated on my day. The next one -ten years- would be celebrated on Tango's day:
.
Two days before i would turn ten (three before Tango would), we were both playing with our four-year-old sister Lesotho. Tango was talking to her about how colourful his birthday would be. How it would be much better than mine. He boasted to her about how many of his friends would come over. The picture he painted was of a day that would be so much fun. It made me feel bad. He kept calling it 'his' day and not 'our' day. That was when it happened. Tango was in the middle of his talk and i was starring him in the eyes when he stopped mid-sentence and ran up the stairs to Dad who was the only parent at home that day. Tango began telling him he wanted him to make sure i celebrated the day in the best way possible. That it should be my birthday. For a second time. That he could do his own any other time. He said that was what he wanted and he said it with all the resolute finality a 10-year-old could muster.
.
That was not the first time i would invade my brother's mind with my thoughts. That was the first time father would know. I didn't know, he had been watching the way i was starring quietly and resolutely at Tango while he ran his mouth. He knew what i did.
.
That day, Dad had taken me inside and questioned me. I had confessed that i could sense my twin brother's thought-flow, but couldn't actually know what he was thinking, though, sometimes i could guess with a high degree of accuracy. The scary part of it was that i could transfer my thoughts into his mind and it would flow with his thoughts seamlessly that he would think they were his own actual thoughts. In effect, i could make him do what i wanted by thinking them and moving the thoughts into his own mind. All i needed to do that was to be able to look into Tango's eyes. Dad had been amazed. He had said he had always been wondering why Tango would sometimes do my house chores for me, although he was the lazier of us at house chores. He said he had been looking out for any sign of twin telepathy between us because we were exact copies of each other. He said it had baffled him that there was no proof of such exitsting between us because our interests and personalities were so different. Until that day. He said there was no telepathy between us, it was just one-way. I carried our telepathic abilities solely, Dad was terrified.
.
He had reasons to be. Tango was the livelier, more intelligent between us and also, the more talented. I had no special talents or gifts. I was ordinary. Dad had made me promise him that day that except my life depended on it, i should never use that advantage on my brother again. He promised me that he would do everything to make sure that i had no reason to be afraid or envious of Tango. He said he knew that if Tango ever became a serious enough threat to me, i could destroy him. He would make sure that never happened as long as he lived. He had lived up to his word till the day he died. He had allowed me do what i wanted and made Tango the seeming victim. That was why he ensured we didn't attend the same school from secondary school till tertiary institution. He had seperated our lives as much as possible with me having the opportunity to do whatever i wanted and Tango being made to do what he didn't want. I chose to be an Engineer, Dad made Tango a Medical Doctor. It is my guess that when Dad knew he would be dying of cancer he had willed his stock options to me, knowing how rich it would make me be. He wanted to ensure that after his death, i would never have a cause to be threatened in life by Tango. If i become rich enough, i'd hopefully never have a reason to be. He obviousy meant well, but he had lost all the same. Tango obviously didn't understand it. At all.
.
#TO BE CONTINUED...#


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Boss: You look like my third wife.

Lady: How many times have U been married?

Boss: Twice.Related

baddest akpors [Read it]


Girl sweet akpors u are making me goin crazy i really love u ooo Akpors girl u are my heart my joy my evrything d cockroach in my bed d sugar in my tea d butter in my bread my everything love Girl:sure pls send me mtn card Akpors:d mtn number u are with now is not available try again Girl:akpors dont let me show u my true colour send me d card now Akpors:d mtn number u are with is no more available pls dont try again


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-19 23:07:07

1359 Views



father and son [Read it]


man: son I and your mum whome to your love
son: mum
man: said so angrily hmmm y is that so
son : bcos mum gave birth to me
man : I gave you to him
son: how
man : I drew u in a piece of paper for her to swallow
son : dats y I didn't inherited you owl eyes.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-09-25 23:48:06

469 Views




Girl’s status on BBM

“Leaving BBM soon “



Some boys texted her

Plz dont go i will miss u ????



Boy’s Bc a msg

“Leaving BBM kindly delete me “

All boys rplyd – Bhai jaate jaate Girls ke pins tho dete jaa ???? plzzzz ????Related

Queen bees lay up to 2,000 eggs a day. It is possible for a Queen to lay 1 to 2 million eggs in its lifetime.Related

TD writing for Chad:
.
Today, i would don a surgeon's gear and perform a caesarean section. I would either carry it out successfully or i would die. I am not a surgeon and the thought of death is no laughing matter.
Those were the thought on my mind as i pondered on my predicament and on the events that occured at the dinner hall the evening before, and of the revealing chit-chat i had with the mysterious Nightmare.
.
At the dinner the previous evening, i had been awed at the personality of the thirteen guests around the table that was prepared for sixteen dinners. I was offered the honored seat to the right part of the lenght of the table from Nightmare who sat at the head of the table. He looked really nice in the obviously bespoke tuxedo. Except for his face. Directly opposite me sat a very popular female international TV show host. Under different circumstances i would have had her autograph my dinner shirt. I idolized her. Beside her sat a still-very active former head of state of northern Nigeria descent. I immediately recognized two sitting state governors from two southern states. There was a quite popular female Federal Minister, a very successful male musical artiste, a controversial and famous preacher. I almost didn't recognize a very powerful serving senator. Beside me, sitting quietly, was a highly successful business mogul, who once played host in a reality TV show. I couldn't recognize the remaining four people. They nonetheless possessed the same aura of wealth, success and power exuding from the table.
I was the only one served with standard dinner-sized dishes. The others had covered, soup bowl-sized dishes before them. Since i got into the room, there had been a quiet at the table. No one said a thing. They were all staring ahead, as though transfixed. A deep sound began to fill the room from every direction, it was over some speakers i couldn't see. They began to hum to it. It was solelful and other worldly. The humming intensified to a chilling crescendo. The lights went out suddenly and the speakers stopped but the occupants of the table kept humming. What happened next was magical. Their eyes began to glow. It was a soft glow and it lit the area in front of them. They stopped humming but the humming didn't stop. It was coming from somewhere on the table before them. By the glow, i could see they had stopped: their mouths were opened. There were cries interjected into the strange sound. The crying of many babies. Dread filled me. By the glow from the fourteen pairs of eyes at the table i could see their hands reaching for the dishes in front of them. They opened them and reached their hands to pick the contents. I might not be the surgeon i was mistaken for, but i had enough understanding of Biology and i had seen enough Hollywood horrow movies to recognize a heart when i see one. Each bowl contained small-sized hearts, the size of a baby's clenched fist. They were fresh. There was still blood on them. I had no doubt they were human babies' hearts. Nausea filled me and i swore quietly. No one seemed to take notice of my presence as each dipped the fresh hearts in his or her mouth. They reached for a large jug of what i had thought was red wine on the table and each had a long gulp. I was sure, whatever it was, it wasn't wine. Wine didn't belong to that table.
.
Tears welled up in my eye and rage built in me. I felt like reaching for the men and women and snapping them like twigs. I couldn't. A few minutes later, the debauchery ended, the glow disappeared, the sound faded and stopped totally. Lights came on again. There was a queer look in their eyes. I couldn't view them the same way i had. They filled me with disgust. One of the four anonymous guests asked about the Nirvana, and Nightmare said he would be brought out on the morrow by me (that was when i was introduced to the guests) and that he would be ready by the new moon.
.
About half an hour later i was in my room. I was exhausted from my rage but sleep wouldn't come. The door opened and Nightmare came in. There was no fear then, only rage towards him. I wished i had i gun and a carving knife, i'd have done unthinkable things to him. He was evil personified.
.
"You still have that shocked look on your face that you had when leaving the dinner hall. You hate me more than ever, right? I hate myself too." It seemed the joke was lost on me because i didn't see why he should laugh at what he just said. I kept a passive face.
"You know that in life," he continued, "you have to do all you can do to get all you want. A few years back, i was a normal, young and ambitious chap like you. I was a virologist in a military research lab in America. I was with a team of guys studying a new, strange strain of the Ebola Zaire Virus. This strain departed from the code of the Ebola Zaire. It could change the body shape, size and skin color of primates.
.
TO BE CONTINUED...


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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If you are regular customer in
the safeties we have in
Nigeria, then you would
understand the things that
would be discussed here.
Nigerians have certain
expectations when it comes to
eateries in Nigeria. We do
love to pamper ourselves and
expect our money to speak for
us in places like that.
1. When you have to open the
door yourself
Nigerians enjoy being treated
like royalties; it kind of
irritates them when they have
to push the hard and stiff
doors of most of these eateries
before entering. Usually, there
are people whose job is to mind
the door and open for
customers. Having to pull and
push those doors is frustrating
to many customers.
2. When you strain your neck
to read the menu
The menu is usually placed so
high; if you are familiar with
these eateries, then you would
know that they expect you to
develop adaptive long neck for
this purpose. You would strain
your neck before you can read
what they have set on their
menu.
3. When the food you want is
not available
After straining your neck to
read the menu and have
selected your choice, you would
be disappointed to hear the
food is not available. It was
probably not cooked that day
but you would be told it is
finished nevertheless. Then the
selection process would have to
start again.
4. When you are told the
prices of their foods
This is an aspect that would
leave you in total shock. When
you get to hear the prices of
their drinks, you would be taken
back. Many Nigerians would be
like that bottle of coke costs
N100 outside, why is it N200
here?
5. When you are being told
the POS is not working
This could be quite frustrating.
Some of the attendants may
not tell you this until you have
placed your order.
This means you have to walk out
of the eatery and start to look
for the nearest bank to you in
order to use the ATM. Heaven
bless your soul if the machine is
not dispensing cash and the
bank has closed.
6. When you have to wait for
your food
There are some foods you
should not bother ordering if
you are really hungry as it could
take them forever to bring it.
When you are told your food
would be served in fifteen
minutes, just know that the
food would not come till in the
next thirty minutes or so. And
when it finally does, you might
have lost your appetite.
7. When the food finally
comes
The way the rice would be
scattered all over the place
would make you wonder if you
are actually paying for it or you
are being dashed as a beggar.
The food would be so small you
would not be able to measure
the worth.
If you try complaining, the
attendant on duty may be quite
saucy and would end up airing
the whole discussion for other
customers to know your
business. But we trust you sef,
you would probably form tush
there and make up your mind to
drink garri when you get home.
8. When the chicken is burnt
Another thing that could
happen to you after you must
have been served your food is
when your chicken is burnt. How
do you want to be sure the
chicken is roasted if part of it
is not burnt? You placed the
order yourself and would have
to settle down with your choice.
9. When you are given a blunt
table knife
How are you supposed to do
justice to the chicken when the
knife you are being given is too
blunt? This means you either
use your hands or waste your
money by tearing the part you
could. You know how
embarrassing it would be for
you to end up staining your cloth
in the process of battling with
the meat.
10. When you taste the food
and all you could feel is maggi
At this point, you would know
you have been chanced. You
would be left wondering if you
ordered spices because that
would be all you can taste from
the food. If you decide to go
for a sausage roll or any other
snack made by flour, you are
most likely to be disappointed
too as it would be filled with air
instead of beef.
11. When you get delayed
because of change
After you must have had a bad
time at the eatery, your
patience would be tried when
the attendant on duty says she
does not have change and delays
you for a couple of minutes.
12. When the doorman wants
to be tipped
After managing to collect your
change from the attendant and
you are feeling pissed off with
the whole process, the doorman
could add to your anger by
greeting you excessively hoping
you would tip him


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-09-01 23:55:29

299 Views



akpos [Read it]


Akpos who was a houseboy usually sneaks into
his boss room, drinks his wine and adds water to
top it up. One day his Oga bought a new wine
called pasties, it was a french wine that changes
colour if water is added onto it. Akpos unaware of
this, sneaks into his Oga's room, drank the new
wine and added water on it. Immediately it
started changing colour.
Akpos: I am in trouble, big trouble. He ran to the
kitchen. Meanwhile, Oga and madam were sitted
in the parlour, while Akpos was in the kitchen.
OGA: Akpos
Akpos: Oga
OGA: who drank my pasties?
No answer!
OGA: Akpos, who drank my pasties?.
No answer. Oga walked to the kitchen and saw
Akpos there.
OGA: Are you insane or what?. Why when i call,
you say "Oga" but when i ask you a question you
don't answer me.
Akpos: Oga when you are in the kitchen you don't
understand anything, except your name.
OGA: Is that so?. Okay go to the parlour, stand
beside madam and ask me a question while i
stand here.
Akpos went and did what oga said.
Akpos: Ogaaaaaa
OGA: Yes Akpos
Akpos: Who goes into the maid's bedroom when
madam is not at home?.
No answer.
Akpos: Ogaaaaaa!!! You dey hear me, I say who
dey sneak enter the house girl room when madam
no dey house.
No answer. Oga runs out of the kitchen.
OGA: Wonders shall never end. Akpos, it is true o,
when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear
anything, except one's name.
MADAM: That's not true. It's a lie.
Akpos: Madam, do you want to be tested?
MADAM: Yes
Akpos: Oya enter the kitchen
She enters.
Akpos: Madam
MADAM: Yes Akpos
Akpos: Who is Junior's biological Father? Me or
Oga
Madam rushed out of the kitchen
MADAM: This kitchen needs to be fumigated o, I
can't understand anything at all.



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-03 08:48:11

725 Views




The biggest example of corruption is a wedding
ceremony where
people will spray you and your spouse only 200
naira and still eat Rice with chicken and drink
which sums up to over N1500...
The worse is they will wrap bucket and packer
for you as a Gift.
So I've decided on my wedding day when my
sweetheart and I will be dancing, people won't
spray us directly, they will put the money on a
tray for all eyes to see and at that point, you'll
receive your food as
follows:
.
NO MONEY: Pure water and toothpick
N200: White Rice without meat pure water.
N500: White Rice head of fish coke
N1000: Jollof Rice Meat a Malt
N2000 - N4000: Fried Rice salad chicken a Malt
N5000 and Above: Please Serve Yourself...
No cheating!


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2016-01-12 20:15:07

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