Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:


Judge: U r crossing the limits.

Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?

Judge: How dare you call me saala?

Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun ‘Sa Law’ kehta hai?Related

Stupid Answers for Stupid Questions:
1. Someone calls you at 2 am in the night and ask you "are you sleeping?" Ans: no, I’m picking beans.

2. You`re making out with a girl then you start pulling her pants then she asks; what are you trying to do? Ans: I want to wash them for you

3. They see you coming out of the bathroom, wet; ``did you just have a bath?`` Ans: no, I fell into the toilet bowl

4. You standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor going to your office, yet they ask; ``going up?`` Ans: no, I’m waiting for my office to come down and get me!

5. Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch of flowers and you still asks him; ``are those flowers?`` Ans: no baby, they`re carrots!

6. You`re in the queue at the cinema to buy tickets, a friend see`s you and ask; ``what are you doing here?`` Ans: I’m here to pay my school fees!

7. When people see you lying down with your eyes closed, they still ask; ``are you sleeping?`` Ans: No! I`m practicing to die.

8. You went to a restaurant n the waiter asks you: ``Plz can I get you a table?`` Ans: No. I’m here to eat on the floor.

9. Are you reading this post? Ans:.....? Ansa urs..


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-23 22:12:13

1219 Views




11th July,,2008.

Red Friday I

Zick and his fellow cobrans found themselves
at club Play house. It was one of the biggest
clubs in benin city at that time. Known for
hosting so many different cult groups where
they come to chill,,party or have a meeting.
At the entrance of club play house is a very
large white gate which is always open wide at
evenings for cars to enter. There is a car park
by the left and an open space bar filled with
chairs and a counter where one goes to make
an order. There are usually several attendants
at the counter made up of mostly females due
to the large number of people that patronise
the bar. The female attendants could also
serve as part time s*x workers for customers
who are interested. All that is needed is for
the customer to inform the manager of his
intention or he goes directly to the counter
and talks to any of the ones he’s interested
in. Although majority of the customers use
the former than the latter.
Some members of “The cobra” were in this
bar. They sat at different tables mostly in
twos or threes in a semi-circular shape. They
were all armed. Nobody backed the entrance
of the bar so as not to be taken unaware. But
they came to chill today so they were
drinking,,smoking and making merry. Not
really paying attention to the environment
around them. There was a nigerian music
playing softly at the back ground.
Behind the bar was the main club. There were
also strippers inside the club dancing. The
club was divided into the VIP section and the
regular section. It was at this place where
zick and four of his wing men sat. The music
was blaring loudly and he was nodding his
head in agreement. They were all in a light
mood. Perhaps if he had known he wouldn’t
have come out tonight but his inner senses
which always warned him didn’t tell him
anything this time around.
There were various kinds of drinks on the
table in front of them. John also called “Jay
Jay” opened the bottle of hennessy and
poured in zick’s cup. Then he poured in his
cup too and dropped the bottle for the others
to take.
Jack was busy observing a stripper who was
dancing sexily few tables in front of them.
She wore on her a black thong which
managed to cover her crotçh in front and a
thin line of rope which was inside the space
dividing her two Buttocks bubbles and a
black skimpy bra which hardly covered her
large sized breasts.
She was doing her job,, dancing from table to
table showcasing herself to any guy that
would want her services. She walked sexily to
zick’s table and started to dance to the
music slowly,,shaking her assets. She had a
very big Buttocks like that of black chyna.
Jack looked closely and got attracted to her
instantly. She noticed he’s attention on her
so she moved closer to him and started to
twerk in his front. Jack looked at fab by his
side and they both grinned. He gulped his
drink,,stood up and shouted into her ears.
“Let’s go somewhere and talk”
She stopped dancing and pulled jack along
with her allowing his hands to touch her
bubbling Buttocks.
They went to a corner far away from the
disturbing sound of the music. Then jack
said.
” Hey s*xy**..i loved the way you danced
back there. What’s your name?”
She looked at him and smiled. Not minding
his compliment.
” i’m Tutu. s*xy** tutu. Which of my services
do I offer you?”
She said.
“I wanna bang. How much do you collect for
that?”
Jack was already pressing her big Buttocks
as he spoke to her.
“No s*x! We strippers here don’t fuçk our
customers. You can get a lap dance,,strip
tease or Mouth Action. If you want to fuçk
you’ll have to meet those girls attending to
customers at the bar. That’s our policy.”
The stripper replied jack still smiling.
Jack was disappointed. He really wanted to
have this girl. The way her Buttocks was
shaking he had already imagined her
bouncing on his dïck or him giving her a
döggy.
“How much for a BJ?” He sighed.
“7k. If you Pour in my mouth 10k” she
replied.
“Which one be if I Pour in your mouth again?
BJ no be BJ? make we go joor. Body dey
hot.” Jack retorted,,a bit frustrated.
“Oga cool down we no dey fight. Na the
arrangement wey our ogas drop for us be
that.”
She led him to another room through a dark
passage. The room was dimly lit with blue
light and one could hardly see the faces of
people there. There were moans and groans
all over the room.
She found a cushion at a corner of the room
and took jack there. Asked him to sit down as
she started dancing sexily again. She was
strip teasing for him slowly and touching him
lightly. She bent forward and put her breasts
on jack’s face rubbing it. Jack brought out
his tongue about to suck it and she quickly
withdrew then continued dancing. This was
torture for him.
Finally she knelt down between his legs
unzipped his trousers and brought out his
Joystick. It was metal hard and she could feel
the warmth in the air conditioned room. She
used both hands to massage it up and down
very slowly. Jack groaned. Then she put her
whole mouth and started to work on it. Her
mouth was warm and comforting.
Jack groaned deeply again. She continued
going up and down,,up and down as if she
wanted to lick the Joystick till it dissapears.
Then she started to lick the head or tip slowly
with her very salivate tongue. This got jack
really crazy and he moaned loudly.
“Uuurrrggghhh”
This should be the best BJ jack have had in
a very long time. She was sucking and
blowing professionally like no one has ever
done for him. Well she was gonna get paid
for it,,so it was expected. In his subconscious
state he was beginning to see reasons why it
was better to pay for a good sexual pleasure
sometimes than have a girlfriend who’s not
sexually appealing enough.
“Oga you no dey release?”
He was brought back to reality with a
question from the stripper,,s*xy** tutu. She
had been sucking him for close to 10 minutes
now and there was no sign of him cuming.
Her mouth was beginning to get sore and she
had exhausted every method at her fingertips.
“If I no bang I no fit release. Just allow me
do this thing Shebi na me go pay”
Jack bargained again. It was actually the
alcohol in his system that was delaying his
ejanlaculation.
She looked up at him for a while and sighed.
Then she said:
“Because I like you o! Normally our managers
don’t allow us have s*x. Oya do sharp sharp
before someone comes here”
She stood up and faced the wall,,bending over
a bit. Giving jack full access to her bubbly
Buttocks. He played with it for a while then
he used his finger to rub her clït under. He
was about to slide in.
” oh fuçk! There was no condom.” He
remembered.
“Oga wetin you dey wait for na? Abi you no
wan do again?”. The stripper complained.
Jack thought again. He decided to throw
cautions to the wind. This is a one time
opportunity that he couldn’t afford to waste.
He had to fuçk her tonight or never.
He put his Joystick closer and she spread her
legs wider,,giving him more space for entry.
As he was about to slide in,,all of a sudden
there was a loud noise.
“POW!”
IT WAS A GUN SHOT!

To Be Continued…

>> Part 6 -

Did you know that
the only people in Nigeria that comedy cant make them laff but naira can are police men
did u knw that if u were in the living room watchin Tv nd suddenly nepa took d lite and u shouted God punish nepa nd ur father happens to b a nepa staff frm dat day u begin to fend fr urself
did u knw dat d celestial church of christ are is the only church dat drive out demons with canes
Did u knw dat lord sought was d first to bath on top of a transformer
Did u knw dat d only way to escape armed robers on d road is fr u to be one urself
Did u knw dat d easiest way to kill a lion is to eat kill nd dry poison nd allow d lion to eat u
Did u knw dat lord sought was actually d first man on earth to plant a bottle dat actually grew like a tree
Did u knw dat it is posible to fight with a police who slaps u bt nt a soldier man
Did u knw dat cooking for with kerosine nd hydrochloric acid is very nutritious
Did u knw dat d slowest way to commit suicide by hangin is to tie the rope around ur waist so u wont suffocate urself in d process of comitin suicide
Did u knw dat lord sought nd akpos were actually brodas born on d same day by diferent mothers nd similar fathers but almost diferent families in d same chemist
Did u knw dat if a rat is in ur house with no food it will look for alternative food in ur locker with ur certificate by so doin it will eat of ur name nd half ur surname nd eat d name of ur university den na u com knw watin u wan use d certificate do
Did u knw dat lors sought is d first man to bounce d call of obama draw tatoo on his kidneys nd liver slap a soldier in front of his barack told Bill Gates polish his shoes take back his company frm dangote trained mercy nd ronaldo in football remove jonathan frm power nd put buhari d only man on earth dat his gr8 grandmother is still a virgin am married with a wife with two chilren yet am still a bachelor?lol add urs in d comment box nd let d fun continue...::::::LORD SOUGHT.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-22 22:58:45

279 Views




“Zero Dark Thirty” and ‘Skyfall’ each win Oscars for best sound editing in rare tie in 2013.

The last Oscars tie was in 1969, when Barbra Streisand and Katharine Hepburn tied for Best Actress.Related

“Isn’t it starting already? Isn’t the loving loving thing starting already ni sister!” I said and my husband frowned as he faced her
“Never you call us old o. Never ever !” he said, seriously
We all laughed
“Yes sir” Doctor Flora said as she saluted like an army woman.
We laughed again
“The programme would start anytime soon”
My husband said
I laughed
“Are you so much in a hurry? Isn’t this just an introduction ceremony? What if its the D-day? Its just 7am and the programme is slated for 1pm” I said and he scratched his head
“Don’t mind me. I just love ‘Love stories’” he said and we laughed
“Hmmm…that’s a really great testimony” I said and he pecked me again
I slapped him playfully
“There are little children around please” I said and he smiled
“Where is Dan please?” he asked and I smiled
“I am sure he is peeping from behind one of the curtains to behold his beauty queen” I said, winking at the glowing wife to be of my son!
We laughed again
Doctor Flora smiled
“God works in mysterious ways” she started and I listened
Whenever she talked, it was always meaningful
“God brought pains your ways in order for you to understand Dan’s pains. God brought Dan pains so that he could come back home and be established…” she was saying
“And meet you!” My husband glowed with excitement as he talked and we laughed happily
“I am happy for you guys” I said and she genuflected
“Thank you so much mum. Thank you for taking care of him and listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit!” she said, hugging me
The curtain was drawn and there, behind the curtain was Daniel, his face laced up in tears.
I smiled
“I knew he was behind one of the curtains” I said as I grinned happily.
“Come boy” my husband said and he walked into his embrace as they hit each other in the guy way.
I watched on
Doctor Flora’s face was down as she appeared so shy.
He knelt before her and held her legs
“Thanks for saying you would marry me especially when I had nothing. Thanks for obeying God’s will”
“Thank God you have everything now and even perhaps still have nothing, it would have been you yet! I love you” She confessed poetically and my husband clapped as he snapped the duo.
“I love this! Oh my my my!” he sang on
I was excited.
“This lesson I learnt immediately I became healed from my illness and I met Christ.You were created by LOVE to be loved
You were created by ONE to be one!” my husband said and I clapped my hands
“That’s beautiful…. One, Love…. That’s God!”
Hmmmmm… Marriage is a sweet thing
The past one year made me forget all the suffering I had ever gone through
As I pondered on all that had happened to this point, the telephone on the living room rang and my husband ran to the receive it.
“Those workers are already expecting their alerts o… It’s month end… It’s must be the manager” I smiled
Our company workers could be very funny and they love money like kilode!
“Daniel, it’s your call.” My husband announced and Dan stood up to look at him.
“My call?” He asked as he walked doubtfully to the phone
“It’s an international call” He said further
We started walking into the room as I strapped my sleeping baby to my back
He collected the receiver
“Hello”
“Darling Dan”
“Mum?” he almost shouted
“Hold on for your dad dear” we heard and we were awed.
“Son!”
He laughed as tears ran down his face
“That’s my dad. That’s his voice. But you were dead dad! You were dead. Both of you” he exclaimed loudly, obviously happy.
“Where do you stay in Nigeria?”
“Nasarawa State dad”
“Isn’t the Book Haram insurgencies there?”
“No dad”
“OK son. We are coming back home”
“What!”
“No place like home… Expect us next week by His grace”
“Jesus! This can’t be real. It can’t be!” he cried as we all went down on our knees to pray.
“The Lord that turns Mara into Joy, you are our God, the Lord that answers our cries… You are our God” MY husband started the prayer session as we looked up to the heavens with out hands raised high to him
________
The End!
thanks for your commnts.


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Sharabi daaru pee pee kar mar gaya,lekin marte marte bhi keh gaya:”

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Daaru toh BRANDED hi peeta tha,

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saala Liver hi LOCAL nikla…:p :O ????Related

It is better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life.

~ Elizabeth KennyRelated

When you fail you learn from the mistakes you made and it motivates you to work even harder.Related

Akpors was sitting in a taxi chatting
with his friend on Facebook, when he
noticed that the man sitting beside him
was reading his conversation. Since he
did not want to embarrass the man, he
decided to change the topic of the chat;
“Abeg oga, please help me tell Kabiru
Sokoto or Abu Qaqa that I only took two
of the bombs we just manufactured for
this operation. Let them know as well
that I may find it difficult to get to the
target place before the bombs explode
because there is serious hold up now
but nevertheless, I am sure the number
of casualties will be high since we are
five in our taxi and all the other vehicles
in the traffic will be affected too. We
have less than 3 minutes for the bomb
to go off. Bye bye and take care of my
parents and siblings as we agreed. The
Man, without allowing the taxi to stop
quickly opened the taxi door and
jumped out.

Will you blame Akpors?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-09-25 00:49:04

695 Views




From that night onwards, madam’s husband
became friendly once again towards me to the
great consternation of my madam.
The husband defended me at the slightest
opportunity leaving my madam marvelled and
confused.
There was a day my madam hit me for spilling
water mistakenly on the kitchen floor while
washing plate.
That day was a saturday and my madam’s
husband didn’t go to work.
The pain of the flattened right palm of my madam
landing on the mid-region of my back made me
shout out as she continued the assault
unperturbed.
Hearing my scream from inside the bedroom, my
madam’s husband hurriedly ran from the
bedroom to the kitchen to find out what was
happening.
“Could you imagine that this stupid girl
carelessly poured water on the floor upon all my
warning,” my madam explained as soon as the
husband got to the kitchen.
“And so bloody what?” The husband barked
shocking my madam into silence. She had
expected her husband to support her like before
but surprisingly the response she got was more
shocking than expected.
“Enough is enough with these your wickedness,”
the husband continued. “And let this be the last
time you will ever treat this young girl like this. I
even regret why I bailed you from that police
custody, wicked woman.” The husband bawled.
My madam couldn’t utter any word in reply.
She was deeply stunned by her husband’s sudden
and unexpected outburst worsened by the fact
that it all happened in the presence of the most
insignificant of people – my humble self.
The husband turned and went back into the
bedroom.
My madam stood still not knowing what to do
again. I stood where I was equally confused.
At long last she slowly went into the bedroom
with her husband while I remained in the kitchen
half-happy and half-confused.
Through out that day my madam didn’t utter any
word to me. She didn’t issue any order as usual
and I did just the chores I knew I had to do.
The whole house remained silent like a grave yard
sake for the occasional cries of the baby which
stopped as soon as my madam intervened with
b####t milk and lullabies.
And so the silence continued till night came and
everyone went to bed.
Around 3am, the husband tip-toed into my room
once again to enjoy my young innocent honey
pie…

Drop your comments below







NAIRAJOKES.COM




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OMG! What a terrible accident!!!
~
CAUTION:
Please friends, don't drink & drive during this festive season to avoid such accidents.







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-12-27 18:10:40

295 Views



jst laugh [Read it]


Six Laughs:
No1: A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. **************************************
No2: A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." **************************************
No3: A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!"
************************************
No4: Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
************************************
No5: A man went to the pub with his wife. When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ************************************
No6: An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" **************************************


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-03 15:06:46

430 Views



Akpors in class [Read it]


Teacher: Class today you will give an example of a pronoun then one sentence with your example.
Tuned: HER..
Teacher: okay, your sentence now.
Tuned:Give her her book its hers.
Teacher:Good, yes who else?
Akpos:HIM.
Teacher: okay, form a sentence with it.
Akpors: Give him him book its hims.

Is Akpors not too clever?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-12 11:52:36

861 Views




Please, i need your advice ooh!!! Last night when i was sleeping, i forget to close my mouth and RAT entered my stomach
The RAT has been disturbing my stomach, and now the RAT have finished all the food left in my stomach.
Please should i swallow CAT to kill the RAT or should i take RAT poison


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-12-14 09:55:39

630 Views




episode16

He took me to his family that day. I was surprise. “why didn’t you tell me, you were bring me here?” i furiously asked. His siblings came to embrace him when they saw us coming. “not even a hug for me?” i uttered. “sorry” they chorus with a smile and embraced me as well. I found out that his mother was the only one taking care of them because his father was late. They lived in a single room which his father rented before he died. We sat under a tree to have a discussion. “this is our hall my dear” his mother said when they brought in the chairs. His siblings were all girls if you must know. One was twelve and the other was sixteen. I became friends with his family that very moment and ever since, we were like family. I tried to give the girls some money when we were leaving but he refused me “why not?” i asked with anger. “you just don’t have to” he said and held my hand to prevent me from passing the money on to them. “you are embarrassing me so please let go” i said with all seriousness. He eventally didn and i gave the money out.
We got to my apartment around 8pm. We stood infront of my door because he refused to come in. ” i have to leave” he sounded abit sad. Sad because he was embarrassed by the place he lived and he didn’t feel comfortable that i knew about it. “why did you do it then?” i asked without raising the issue. ” i mean why didn you take me there knowing fully that you will feel uncomfortable with it?” i made myself clear. ” because i didn’t want you to ask me to do that. That would have been worse for me” he said with pain. ” i want your things here tomorrow. You will be leaving with me here from now on and if you cant stand it, you will kiss this friendship goodbye. Have a goodnight” i said to him and entered into my apartment to avoid any explanation. I had to hit the rod while it was hot. I went to my parents the following day. I was surprise Hanson didn’t give them any complain but i was wrong. Mumy didn’t want to approach the situation but my father eventually did when he came in.
We had a little argument but it mounted to nothing. ” i want to see him as soon as possible. Have i made myself clear?” my dad yelled. “alright dad” i responded whiles standing on my feet. I don’t even remember the last time i had an arguement with my father but i did, thanks to Hanson kwame. I thought he was a man enough to handle the situation himself. ” calm down my dear, i will speak to your father” my mum held my chicks to calm me down. ” tell me, i want to know everything about him” she sounded so exciting. That is something i love about my mum. She will direct you to do the right thing but she will never pressure you to take a decision against your will. My father was the same but i don’t know the kind of spell Hanson cast on him to make him behave that way. It was 9pm and the engineer was still not in. What kept him so long? Well, he shouldn’t think i was pulling his legs with my threat. Thoughts were running through my mind when i heard a nick on the door around 10pm.
I ushered him in with all the care i could offer. I had two spare bedrooms far from mine. I offered him one and oriented him. He seemed abit worried. ” whats wrong? Don’t you like it?” i asked with a worried face too. I didn’t see how it happened but i saw myself in his arms. He embraced me with so much passion. I guess you were thinking he kissed me. Eei readers don’t make alert. Well, it was just a hug. Our lips were close after the hug but i pulled back. We couldnt do it. He cleared his throat and said ” i wore that sad face because of your family and friends” he disclosed. He was right but i had to wear a smile to hide my worry to make him feel at peace. ” don’t worry about them, i will handle them” i lied. Everything was in place then our life began from there….
We wished ourselves goodnight and then i went to bed. I couldn’t close my eyes. What is he doing? Whats running through his mind? How do i live this life? My birthday was coming on very soon, i need to speak to my friends before the time gets up. I learnt for a while and before i could know it was 12pm. I went out with a yawn, i was walking through the dark, i got to the kitchen, on the light and saw a half naked body infront of me. He also stared back… My heart began to race.
What happens in this new life

>>

chopping things [Read it]


flexing







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-02-24 20:24:58

250 Views




Saala Ajeeb System Hai….



Neend Ladki ko nahi aati,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Aur Jaagna Boyfriend ko padta hai.. ????Related

A professor of mathematics sent a letter
to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realise that you are 54 years
old and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as a wife and
I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at Radisson
Blu Hotel with my 18 years old student.
I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband". When he arrived at the hotel, there was
a letter waiting for him that read as
follows: "Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old and by the
time you receive this, I will be at Nicon
Hotel with the 18-year-old houseboy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that
you are, you can easily appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."
#BOLLY_SHOW ?? ? ? ?™


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-01-27 22:32:35

367 Views




EPISODE 19


It’s a good thing that Mirabel wasn’t suspicious of anything,,, I went inside to join them.
Promise: It was my Aunt from Zaria that was able to convince my Mum to let come
Mirabel: So you and your Mum are very close?
Promise: Very close,,, we don’t hide anything from each other
Mirabel: Same with me and my Mum, even with her busy schedule, she always try to make up for it
Seeing them talking, I went to help myself with a chill hollandia yoghurt from the fridge and went back to the parlor to continue surfing the internet untill they’ll call my attention. I don’t know why the three of us can’t gist together,,, these girls sef **Sips yoghurt**
**Phone Rings: Unknown Caller**
I excused myself from the parlor before answering the call.
Me: (Waited for some seconds) Hello
Caller: Its me Lola, move away from Mirabel now
**I quickly set the call on record**
Me: Why? and why did you hid your number and change your voice ??
Lola: Don’t be afraid handsome, just want to let you know that I don’t need your little d!ck,,, gosh! I thought you were so hude
Me: What are you talking about?
Lola: Well I kinda touch and felt it last night,,, and i was so disappointed at myself to stoop so low for that little thing, jeez!
Me: So what does that mean?
Lola: My sexual urge for you ended last night, so we can be very cool friends from now on
Me: You’re serious?
Lola: Yeah I promise
Me: Woah,,, thanks so much, I really appreciate this
Lola: Nah,,, you don’t need to appreciate me, you should appreciate your little thing
Me: Okay oh
Lola: Alright bye, we’ll talk later
**Hangs Up**
Woah,,,, It happened! Glory be to God!!
Did I mentioned that I prayed over the issue of Lola? I have actually been praying over it. It became my top prayer point since the day I dreamt that I married her. I prayed over it seriously in the Night Vigil we did recently back home. God works in mysterious ways, I mean, look at how He did it,,, Of course my thing ain’t little at all, I think God confused her so she’ll leave me alone and I bless God for that. I started singing praises to God when going back to the parlor.
Mirabel: Honey…?
Me: Yeah…?
Mirabel: What happened?
Me: Like how do you mean?
Mirabel: Why the sudden happy face and singing?
Me: I’m happy
Mirabel/Promise: **both chrosed** Why…?
Me: Nothing,,, I’m just happy. I mean, who wouldn’t be happy to have such a great and extremely beautiful girlfriend as you my dear
Mirabel: You never talk true
Me: I’m being serious
Mirabel: You left here to receive a phone call and returned happy,,, and you’re telling me something else
Me: Okay relax dear,,, uhmmm its about a friend of mine that’s been delivered from something evil
Mirabel: What evil?
Me: Trust me on this babe, You don’t wanna know
Mirabel: Why?
Me: Just trust me,,, so what are you girls talking about?
**They now face each other**
Mirabel: Yes, so Promzy what happened next?
Promise: He had to free me of course,,, I made him realized that he’s not my type and if
he continue to send me such messages and those disgusting pictures of his again, I will show it to my Father, that he should know what that means. (Her Dad was an Air force actually)
I can see they’re talking about guys, I just took my laptop and focused on it while sipping my yoghurt as well.
**Phone Rings**
Mirabel: Hey Nancy how you doing?
*****
Mirabel: How’s Mummy?
*****
Mirabel: Okay… are you at home or the shop?
*****
Mirabel: Alright tell her I say Hi
*****
Mirabel: Yeah I’m at His place right now
*****
Mirabel: Okay thank you
*****
Mirabel: Byeee…
**She dropped her phone down**
Mirabel: Its Nancy
Me: Ok how’s she?
Mirabel: She said they’re fine
Me: Okay…
Promise: Who’s Nancy?
Mirabel: His younger Sister
Promise: Ok
Then they continued with their discussion. That useless Sister of mine, she doesn’t call me oh,,,, only my girlfriend.
**Phone Rings**
Me: Hello
Nancy: Hi Senior Bro
Me: How you doing?
Nancy: Fine oh…. Aunty just delivered a baby girl
Me: Really? Woah,,, that’s good news, hope they’re all doing fine?
Nancy: Yes they are and Mummy is now preparing to go there tomorrow, and you know Daddy will be travelling next week… so i will need to stay with someone till Mummy arrives
Me: What are you saying? Why won’t you follow Mummy?
Nancy: But Bro its not necessary, I don’t have anything to do there
Me: You can be of little help there,,, besides, don’t you want to see the baby? or is it not your wish for her to deliver a baby girl?
Nancy: Yes, but let the baby grow up a little first
Me: If you don’t want to go there, then where do you want to stay?
Nancy: Errmmm…. I’m thinking of
Me: **Cuts in** Don’t even think about it, You’re not coming here!
Nancy: No its not your place, its Mirabel’s
Me: What?
Nancy: Yes I spoke to her about it, and she said its okay for her but I should ask you first
Me: You wanted to skip me in the first place by going to her first right?
Nancy: No its not like that Bro, its just that…
Me: **Cuts in ** You are not coming here,,, you should go with Mummy!
**I hanged up**
Mirabel: That must be Nancy, why were you so hard on her?
Me: Don’t just mind her
Mirabel: Why don’t you want her to come?
Me: Mirabel I think you should stay out of this
I got up with my yogurt, laptop with modem and walked in to my room. Mirabel came in about three minutes later.
Mirabel: What’s wrong with you?
Me: I’m fine
Mirabel: No you’re not,,, I mean look at you
Me: Listen, I know my sister very well, she’s an opportunist. She’s not just trying to come here because she needs a place to stay, She just want to use that as an opportunity to come to you
Mirabel: Is there anything wrong if she want to stay with me? Or Am I a bad influence
Me: Come on babe, don’t say that
Mirabel: Then what is the problem?
Me: Like I said, she’s an opportunist,,, she wants to use this medium to see other part of the world
Mirabel: How do you mean?
Me: She wants to engage herself on what she sees in the movies,,, having the opportunity to be partying, clubbing, dating, and all that
Mirabel: Are you sure of what you’re saying?
Me: Positive
Mirabel: You were also like that before untill you learn to be of good behaviour the hard way,,, wait, just out of curiousity…. was your Parents like this in their youthful age?
Me: Stop it,,, please don’t go there
Mirabel: I’m sorry dear
Me: Its okay…
Mirabel: But I won’t let her engage in such activities with me
Me: Can you refuse her pleas?
Mirabel: Yeah if it comes to that
Me: Mirabel, You and I know that you can’t refuse her,,, I know You, You don’t want her to see you as a terrible person, You wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings by refusing her. To tell You the truth sweetheart, You don’t have the boldness to handle Nancy, You really can’t handle her. And of course You girls would put me in the dark when You give in to her.
Mirabel: So are we just going to refuse her like this?
Me: See what I’m talking about? It hasn’t even gotten to a minute that I said it and You’re already manifesting Your Nature.
Mirabel: It will make her very sad
Me: There You go again,,,, She will get over it, I know my Sister very well and She knows me too, I don’t tolerate her stupidity or any nonsense emanating from her
**Phone Rings**
Me: Hello Ma
Momma: Ab’ele? (How are you)
Me: O lafia Ma (Fine Ma)
Momma: Joy just gave birth some minutes ago
Me: Ok yeah, Nancy told me just now
Momma: Okay good,,, and I shall be travelling there tomorrow
Me: Okay…
Momma: Nancy wants to stay with you people there at school ,,, specifically with Mirabel as Your Daddy will also be travelling too
Me: But why can’t She go with You?
Momma: She said she wants to be learning some things about the school as she’ll be coming there later this year or next year by God’s Grace. Please let her go and learn whatever She wants,,, me I’m tired, just let her
Me: Okay Ma
Momma: I will call You before I leave tomorrow
Me: Okay Ma
**Hangs Up**
Me: Ok Mirabel here is the deal
Mirabel: What?
Me: She will stay here in this house
Mirabel: Why?
Me: So I’d watch her movement while under my control
Mirabel: Its okay… you’r the boss!
I felt so good hearing that from her… That’s why we need WISDOM and BOLDNESS to handle situations and then YOU CAN BE RESPECTED FOR IT and you can also BE THE BOSS!

>>

MARA episode 25 [Read it]


My back ached badly as my tummy thumped in pain.
I fell to the ground, holding my tummy in anguish
But I could not lose sight of this weird guy staring at the ground as if he could not see a woman fall right in front of him.
Yet he called me mummy!
Was I really going to die?
Was this a post-delivery trauma?
The guy smiled
I was shocked!
Like, a person could still smile at another’s calamity and pain?
At this moment?…oh No!
The most annoying part was that the guy hadn’t even looked at me since over an hour that I had been staring at him.
“You aren’t gonna die” he said in a distinctive way and I looked at him intently
“What!” I exclaimed
Could he read minds?
How did he probably get what was on my mind precisely?
How?
He smiled again as if he knew exactly what was on my mind.
“Do you read minds? Like, you are an astrologer or astronomer or something?” I was forced to ask and he not only smiled, he burst out laughing
“Oh mummy…!” he exclaimed and I was amazed
Mummy?
He wasn’t looking into my face
Or was it a dream?
Was this person just an angel conversing with me in a dream?
I had to pinch my cheek in a bid to reassure myself before I was convinced that it was real.
“Who are you?” I asked loudly, my heart racing fiercely.
He didn’t answer
He fumbled with his hands and I became charged to talk the more.
Who is this man?
“Why are you not looking at me? Why are you talking to me with your face down?
Why?” I asked, almost angrily
This man had made me to stress myself beyond the limit.
But…just realizing…
My bleeding had stopped!
I checked myself up and started jumping hysterically.
He grinned loudly and clapped his hands.
But he wasn’t looking at me.
I stopped jumping and looked at him
He was absurd
“Look at me for once mister man!” I shouted at him and he shrugged
“Why? Why do you want me to look into your face? Why?” he asked on
Was his face shaking?
“Isn’t it weird that one would be talking to someone and he doesn’t care to maintain eye contact? Isn’t it?” I asked and checked if he would change his mind and look at me but he didn’t.
I continued
“It is even wrong that someone obviously younger than me would not obey a simple request of ‘look at me!’ is it a big deal?”
“No it’s not” he said, he sniffed wetly
Was he crying?
“When I look at you, what would I see?” he asked and I was amazed
Was that supposed to be a question?
“You would see me! Isn’t that supposed to be something?” I was almost screaming
I was going crazy
“No. I would see darkness…stark darkness I mean” he blurted out and I was taken aback
Darkness?
The darkness howling over me was that visible?
Oh my God!
“Not that you are darkness yourself” he said and I sighed
So what?
“When I bend over a piano, I see light…only light. Not even the black and white keys…I see light! That is why I prefer to be bent and glare at the light.”
What?
What a weirdo!
Or did he have an undisclosed spiritual illness?
“But when you look up, you see darkness?” I asked and he nodded
“Stark darkness!” he emphasized
“Why?” I inquired the more
He looked up at me and I looked intently at his face
Handsome!
Good eyes…
Nice lips
“You look really good. You are handsome” I exclaimed and he smiled handsomely
“Thank you mum” he said as he blinked over and over again
So, what’s the problem?
“But I can’t see.” He announced loudly and I frowned a bit
I didn’t understand at all…
“I am blind!” he said slowly as tears ran down his face
He smiled and bent over the piano and started playing “I know who holds tomorrow” rhythmically
My heart leaped and almost jumped out of its cage
He is blind?
OMG!
TBC


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HEAR MY STORY..
Part 13

After writing his exams,Bode came home.
One sunday after service,i saw Pastor Williams holding his
hand & they both entered the pastor's office.
When they wouldnt come out after about one hour thirty
minutes, Pastor Mrs said told me: let us go home. That she would
come back to the church later to pick the Pastor.
So we left to go & prepare lunch as the children were hungry.
About one hour after we got home,the Pastor Williams trekked
home with Bode.
I didn't need anybody to tell me he had been seriously
scolded. He was looking like a kid whose mother didn't
remember to drop the key of the cupboard where his lunch was
kept before she left the house.
Mummy & I were in the kitchen when they came in.
Bode came to meet us there, greeted mummy & then turned
to me.
"Pls,we need to talk privately, Pastor said i should come &
meet u, so we can talk & sort things out."
I wondered why, but then i turned to mummy "Am i allowed
ma?".
"Of course,my dear.Go to your room".She answered.
We both went inside the room & left the door widely opened.
Goodness and Mercy (Pastor's five year old twins) ran
after us to the room.
I heard their mum shouting from the kitchen "Come here
o,Mercy!, Goodness!!..Aunty Sewa will soon come & join
you, dont disturb them".
As soon as d children left, Bode said "Pls, I'm sorry for
everything i've put you through. Pastor have made me realise my
mistakes, he really spoke to me. He even asked if I'M BORN AGAIN & I told him i am. I only yielded to the call of the flesh.He made me to pray a prayer of forgiveness, & I believe you've done the same, I also believe God has forgiven us. I promise you
& God, just as i've promised my Pastor, that such will never happen again, not with you nor any other woman, except the one i eventually get married to. Pls, find a place in your heart to forgive me." He started shedding tears.
I asked him if he wouldn't mind going to Lagos to meet my dad.
He said he didn't want to go initially, but Pastor Williams
told him to go,so he has decided to go.He said he would go
during the week.I gave him my dad's number & he called him
right there.
Daddy told him to come on thursday or friday,as he wont be
in Lagos from monday to wednesday.
When he left,i told mummy everything we discussed.
She said "Thank God he's able to realise his mistakes. Dont
worry,God will surely perfect everything. Let's just keep
praying. He never fails."
Again,we prayed about Bode's meeting with my dad, that
God's perfect will should be done.
She asked if i had an idea of what my dad wanted to
discuss with Bode.
I said i had no idea, that my mum only told me that she had
been talking to daddy everyday about my case, & that she
really begged him before he could agree to come to Oyan to
meet Bode's mum. And as God would have it,they needed to
attend a programme at Ikirun which was just a few
kilometers to Oyan.
"Well, all shall be well". She answered.
Finally,thursday came.
Bode called me very early in thr morning, to inform me that he
was in the park,waiting for the bus to be full, & then,he would
be on his way to Lagos.
.
So what happened in Lagos?


>>

Akpos the city doctor visits Hausa tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we`ll show you." The next day the Akpos shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you`re our guest you get to go first." Akpos not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women." Akpos fainted



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-02-23 06:41:30

390 Views




A man went to church on Sunday andrngave testimony that he was infectedrnwith ebola and God had healed him.rnWhen he had finished, he tried to givernthe mic to the 2nd man but the 2NDrnMan refused to take it: 2ND MAN: I have no testimony. Give it tornPastor. PASTOR: I'm not in charge ofrntestimonies so give it to the SeniorrnPastor. SENIOR PASTOR: Brother in Christ, thernmic is yours. It's a gift from the church.rnYou may take it home.rnHAPPY SUNDAY to U All.rn#BOLLY_SMART™


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-03-06 00:21:59

459 Views




For those who havent been to lagos or in case havent entered a danfo.
Allow me to try and give you an insight of how a danfo can be approached
in Lagos the land of SUFFERING AND SMILING.

SITTING ARRANGEMENT IN A DANFO

How various Gujarati wife fight with their respective husbands…

?Pilot’s wife: Vadhare Udd Nai.

Teacher’s wife: Mane Nai Sikhvaad…

Painter’s wife: Thobdu Rangi Dais…

Dhobi’s wife: Dhoyi Nakhis.

Actor’s wife: Natak su Kare 6e.

Dentist’s wife: Daat todi Nakhis.

CA’s wife: Hisaabma rehje ho.

Engineer’s wife: spare parts dhila kari nakhish.

Architect’s wife: sidho re nahi to dacha ni design change kari nakhis.

& the Best one

Marketing’s wife: bau bolis ne to OLX per vechi dais….Related

Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from
NASA to SATYANASA.Related

FORMING BUZZY [Read it]


Guy:  Hi
Girl:  No Reply...
Guy:  How are you?
Girl:   No Reply...
Guy:   5445 2355 4762
Girl:   Wow Which Network?
Guy:   Cartoon Network!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-09-25 15:14:07

193 Views



FUNNY question [Read it]


A teacher asked her class what they would love to be when they grow up. Musa answer ''I want to be a billionaire,hav e the cutest wife, make her feel like a woman, give her everything she needs,fly her in my private jet to Dubia for shopping,take her on a monthly trip around the world. The teacher ignores Musa and ask Mary what she wanted to be when she grows up. Mary replied in a low tone "l want to be Musa's wife.'
.
#BoF


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-28 09:15:46

353 Views




A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”


The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!


Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”


The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”


On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”


Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.


The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”Related

Teacher: "I am beautiful" what tense is that

Akpos: Obviously past tense!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-10-27 20:33:58

115 Views




If you create drama on Facebook then one fine day, you’ll also vanish like:

Rakhi Sawant

Dolly Bindra

Raja Choudhary

Sambhavna Seth

Himesh Reshamiya and

Poonam Pandey


Now don’t ask me “Who are they?”Related

He prayed Sunday did not come fast, but it did.

That morning when he woke up, he prayed the day dragged.

Again it didn’t.

Standing in front of the tall black gate that opened to her house, his earlier resolve to come continued to fade, one strand after another.

He looked over himself and adjusted the collar of his shirt yet again.

And then his trousers too.

And again the collar.

He exhaled and raised his hand to knock again. And again, his fist froze in the air.

Finally he decided.

He is going to turn back. She can be mad with him all she likes, he doesn’t care now. Will not care.

Or maybe when she asks, he would lie to her that he’d suddenly developed a cold. He would sneeze into the phone and make his voice appear dry and croaky.

He nodded, sighed and bought the idea.

Bringing down his hand to turn away, his hand accidentally struck the gate.

He shivered, startled. Then, as if pushed by the emotion, he hammered the gate now. Really very hard.

‘Who is that?’ he heard.

He said nothing.

A small square hole opened on the gate and two eyes poked out from it. ‘Yes?’

‘Open the gate!’ he said, nearly a command.

He watched the eyes get withdrawn and then heard the sound of unbolting.

Soon the small part of the gate was pulled in and he saw the small man in a private security uniform that owned the eyes. ‘Yes?’ he said, looking nothing close to welcoming.

‘My name is Ekene, I’m here to see Adaeze.’

‘Oh.’ He saw something fly off from the gate man’s face then and he turned more friendly-looking. ‘Good afternoon, sir,’ he greeted him.

‘Afternoon.’

‘Please come in, sir.’

He held the gate open for him and he walked in. Then he thrust his head outside as if to check if he’d come alone.

Or perhaps he was looking out for his car.

He made his way straight down to the house. The double-storey building was nothing he’d not seen before. It appeared all the big men in the town patronized the same architect.

He passed a small garage and stood at the wide central door and knocked.

The door was painted dark-brown, very glossy in appearance, and he’d thought before he knocked that it was metal.

But it was wood.

At the third knock, a plump woman in a checked fabric uniform much like a boarding school day-wear opened the door.

‘Ekene,’ he said, before the lady could ask.

‘Come in,’ she said.

He followed her in through a narrow corridor and came into a wide living room.

Wide and impressive.

The couches were dull-green, arranged in two curves that faced each other so that there are two opposite open ends.

The floor was marble, cream-colored and sleek.

A thick glass coffee table stood at the centre, on a small, rectangular and paisley-patterned rug.

A young boy was on one of the couches, curled up on a cushion like a cat and holding a remote which he punched every so often.

He knew at once he was Nnanna and wondered if he had not seen him.

Rich kids and their appalling lack of manners, he thought to himself.

The maid that had let him in gestured without a word that he should go and sit.

He walked to one of the couches and sat, facing the boy.

He looked at him again; he still hasn’t behaved as though someone walked into their house.

‘Hi,’ he said to him.

Finally the boy glanced at him and said hi too. Then he turned his eyes back to the TV, changing the channels with inexplicable boredom.

‘Is your sister in?’ he asked him after a while.

If he was going to answer him, he couldn’t tell anymore because Deze appeared that instant from one of the adjacent rooms.

She was clad in a black top and white shorts that stopped at her thighs.

For once there was someone who appeared excited to see him.

Very excited.

With a large smile she walked to him and he stood and they hugged.

She turned and looked at the huge clock on the wall and then said, with her unique great large smile, ‘You are great!’

He smiled and nodded, even though he wished he’d come a little later.

Or not come at all.

She gestured at the boy. ‘That’s Nnanna, my kid brother. Nnanna, Ekene.’

‘Hi,’ Nnanna said again, barely with another glance at him.

‘Hi,’ Ekene returned to him in the same contemptuous low volume of voice.

Adaeze pulled an indifferent face with her cheeks depressed. ‘Don’t mind him, he is hardly ever in a good mood.’

Ekene nodded fully in agreement.

As if stirred by the statement, Nnanna stood up from the couch and walked inside the house.

Deze totally ignored him. ‘Sit, please, dear,’ she said.

He sat back down.

‘Should I get you something to drink while Ese finishes at the table?’

‘No, I’m fine,’ he said.

As if she didn’t hear him, she said, ‘I’ll be right back. Let me get you a glass of wine.’

***

Prof came down when the table has been set. Ese had gone up to call him.

He was a tall dark man wearing a casual shirt and long knickers.

Unlike on Nnanna, Ekene could easily place Adaeze’s kind of nose on him.

He appeared more welcoming than his son too. A whole lot more.

He responded to Ekene’s ‘Good evening, sir’, with a smile and a nod and then asked him, ‘How are you, my boy?’

He had a pleasant deep voice and slow manner of speech.

‘I’m fine, sir, thank you,’ Ekene said with a little bow of the head again.

‘Thank you too,’ Prof said. ‘Shall we now proceed to the table?’

As they walked to the table, Ekene thought of him as a very courteous man.

As if she’d read his mind, Adaeze looked at him and they shared a small smile.

As Ese dished out the rice and salad and roast chicken parts on white ceramic plates, he kept looking round the house.

The meal was rich and appetizing, but he felt not a shred of hunger.

‘So, young man,’ Prof started shortly after they began eating, ‘Deze told me you are still a student?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘What department?’

‘Industrial Physics, sir.’

‘Physics,’ he echoed. ‘Great. Quite a relevant course.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

‘So what are your interests?’

‘Sir?’

‘Physics, obviously there must be a particular area you’d want to specialize in.’

‘Oh, that’d be Geophysics, sir.’

Prof smiled knowingly while he drank some water. ‘You know, I have a feeling you’d say that.’

He returned an uneasy smile. ‘Why, sir?’

‘Of course, you are young and Nigerian.’

He smiled yet again and pretended to have understood what Prof had meant.

A while passed with nothing but the sound of forks and knives and spoons clinking on ceramic plates been heard.

‘So where are you from, Ekene?’

‘I’m from this town, sir.’

‘Who are your parents?’

‘I grew up with my mum.’

‘So you do not have a father?’

‘Of course, I have a father, sir.’ He paused but Professor Ilonna’s eyes were now on him, eager for more detail. ‘He left,’ he said.

‘You father left?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Packed his things and left?’

‘Dad?’ Adaeze called. ‘Could you please stop interrogating him?’

Prof turned to his daughter. ‘Deze, allow the young man,’ he said.

He sent his eyes back to Ekene, prodding still.

‘Yes, sir,’ Ekene said, ‘packed his things and left.’

‘And do you know why he did that?’ Prof asked.

‘I was a kid, sir. He and my mother quarrelled.’

‘What does your mother do?’

‘Used to work at the government hospital.’

‘The Teaching Hospital?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘So is she now retired?’

‘No, sir.’ He could have stopped there, but then Prof’s eyes. ‘She quit.’

‘And why did she?’

‘Dad?’ Adaeze called her father again.

Again Prof ignored his daughter and continued. ‘My boy, why did your mother leave her job?’

‘Something happened, sir.’

‘What exactly?’

‘It’s a long story, sir.’

‘Ok.’ He sighed… both men actually.

Though Ekene’s was more in relief.

‘What is your mother’s name?’ Prof came again after a brief while.

‘Mrs Margaret Ozoemena, sir.’

Prof’s spoon of rice stopped halfway to his mouth.

His faced changed, straightened sort of.

Slowly, he lowered the food on the spoon back to his plate and stood. ‘Deze, please attend to your guest,’ he said, his voice taking on a different tone. ‘I will be in my room.’

Adaeze turned up her eyes to her father.

Ekene stood. ‘Thank you so much for having me, sir. It is indeed a great honour having met and dined with you.’

Prof nodded. ‘It’s okay, young man. I only wish I can say the same.’

To Be Continued

Don't forget to drop a comment because its the only fuel that keeps me going
come and join me sip my coffee


>>

A woman walked into a sex shop to buy a vibrator. She asked the man at the counter, “Where are the vibrators?”
He said, “Follow me, come this way” by waggling with his finger.
She responded, “If I could come this way, why would I need a vibrator, you idiot ?”Related

Riddle [Read it]



I can be done in the bedroom,
sitting room, churches, mosques,
cars...
Pastors, Imams, drivers, robbers... do
it
WHAT AM I?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-24 08:18:08

379 Views




Akpos attended a wedding. After the reception was a gathering of about 30 people. He set at the front seat. Then a lady started sharing food. She started from the back and unfortunately it didn't reach those at the front. When her friend started sharing drinks they started from the front but unfortunately Akpos had already changed his seat to the back. Again the drink didn't reach him. Akpos was so furious that he stood up to take his leave, but then he saw three ladies each with a big bowl this time he tried to be wise by seating in the middle. To his uttermost surprise one of the ladies started sharing from the front while the second lady started distributing from the back, it was turkey meat. When it got to the middle where he was seated it got finished again feeling so frustrated, Akpos bent his head not looking at any face.... But than the third lady tapped him and stretched her bowl that he should pick, he stretched his hand...... Guess what was in the bowl? ''TOOTHPICK''


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-07 08:43:37

225 Views




TERRIBLE PRAYERS
Akpos' pastor added
him on Facebook and he
innocently accepted.
Two minutes later, a
message came in:
PASTOR: How are you?
AKPOS: I'm fine, pastor.
PASTOR: May the
building of heavenly
favour collapse on your
head.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: May the
thunder of blessing
strike you and your
family.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: May God slash
you with the axe of life.
AKPOS: (no reply).
PASTOR: May God stab
you with the knife of
riches.
AKPOS: (no reply).
PASTOR: May you be
sentenced to life
imprisonment in the
eternal jail of success.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: May the World
Trade Centre of
happiness collapse on
you and your family.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: Are you there?
AKPOS: Yes, pastor.
PASTOR: You should be
saying amen to claim
the Blessings.
AKPOS: OK. May the
over-speeding trailer of
blessings jam and crush
you and your family.
May the earthquake of
happiness swallow you
and your family
members. May the sea
of miracles drown you
and your family
members in Jesus'
name.
PASTOR: (No reply).
AKPOS: You should be
saying amen to claim
these prayers pastor.
PASTOR: May thunder
fire you! Idiot!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-09 23:18:12

436 Views




Upon losing battles, apes will tend to masturbateRelated

BROKEN VERSEL [Read it]



I stood in front of the giant mirror that clung to
the wall, staring at myself, I looked awful, I
realised that after my last relationship ended, I
could hardly focus.
*Flashback*
Mark was my ex, before mark there was Max
and Daniel. Max and I were simply not
compactable, he was like my direct opposite,
When we started dating, I found out that he still
had feelings for his ex.
Daniel like other boys was a cheat. He double
dated for the 7 months that we spent together.
He was dating me and My then best friend;
Sandra. Sandra on her own was a green snake,
while Daniel was the green grass.
After Daniel I made up my mind that I was not
going to date again. When I was in my final year,
I met this young man who looked harmless, he
was the guest speaker at a relationship seminar I
attended, all in a bit to get back on track.
After the seminar, the young man approached
me, and introduced himself as Mark. We became
friends and after sometime lovers. Things were
going smoothly for at least a year and six
months. I can still remember that day, vividly and
clear too, it was my birthday, We were suppose
to go on a date to a nearby eatery; Kenny’s
Place. I had never been there before, it was big
and exotic, mare looking at the parking lot alone,
will send a signal. I got there alone a little bit
late or so I thought.
Mark was nowhere to be found, we were
supposed to be on a date. I stared at my watch,
picked up my phone and dialled his number, it
was switched off. I was so mad at him. One of
the happening guys in town, who came with a
range rover sport, well built, walked to my table
and offered to keep me company but I refused, I
was so angry. I decided to explore the place, I
used the lift, as soon as I got to the next floor, I
saw someone that looked like Mark, I wiped my
eyes to be sure. I dialled his line again and to my
greatest shock, it rang,
I saw him pick the phone then dropped it back,
the lady he was with, Might have questioned him
about it so the next time I called, he picked it
and I asked were he was he said he was in
traffic, the lady was shocked.
I saw a Potential Daniel in Mark.
I walked to the table were they were seating,
since the table had four chairs I sat in one, I
could see the look on his face, he looked at me
and did not even know what to say, I turned to
the lady and said hope you don’t mind? No she
replied.
I looked at Mark and with shock I said “No way,
Mark is that you?” Like I was surprised to see
him the Lady was Surprised, I think you have got
the wrong person she said, He’s not Mark
but Jerome, at this point I was shocked,
Jerome?? But I know this guy, or Mark don’t you
know me? Sorry you have got the wrong
guy, the lady looked at me and thought I was a
lunatic, they were going to leave the table for
me, when I brought out my phone, opened my
picture folder and showed her pictures I took
with Mark. She was shocked, little did she know
that I knew what I was doing,
She was so confident that, she said ‘I think
that’s his twin, as he told me he had one’ Ok I
said, let’s find out, I dialled Marks number using
my phone and I rang right before our very eyes
yet she was not convinced, it was like he jazzed
her or something, I dragged Mark’s Phone, I
knew his Password, how I knew it became a
misery for her.
I showed her pictures we took together on
Mark’s phone, she fell on her seat from where
she had been standing, I looked at her with those
sorry eyes, the fool Mark, ran out of the
place,
I explained everything to her and since then we
became best of friends, After Mark or Jerome,
Diana actually dated series of boys, she did not
love them, she was now a Player. I envied her
but of course I could not stand hurting people’s
feelings.
It has been one year and six months since we
graduated from the department of Computer
Sciences UNN, after serving in a primary school,
in Edo state. I applied for so many jobs, until
Diana’s firm, were she worked as a senior staff,
invited me for an interview. The interview was
cheap. Imagine they were looking for someone
with a 5yr experience. But with Diana’s
connection, I got the job as a junior IT
Consultant. Come on what are friends
for??.
I had an office, Natasha Mark, was boldly
written on. My Boss Mr Akintola was a bald-head
man, he had those Yoruba tribal marks that
would make a little child cry, they were that
scary. They reminded me of Mark. Mr Akin as he
was called in the office, preferred to call me
Tasha. He
was decent, rich and influential. Do you know
that Diana has a thing or two with Mr Akin? Now
you know.
Everybody around the office were fun to be with,
there was ; Ray, our comedian, he is so much in
love with Tosin but due to office policy and one
thing or the other their relationship stalled. Tosin
was pretty, smart and extreme fun to be with,
from her actions, I knew she did not have
feelings for Ray.
There was Mathew, Laura, Finn and Finally
Diana. There was also the womaniser of a boss,
Boss Pete. Originally Mr Peter Fayomi, tall, good
physique and cute too.
There was one time I barged in his office
mistakenly, I was so shocked at what I saw him
doing…
THE BEGINING
There was one time I barged in his office
mistakenly, I was so shocked at what I saw him
doing, I saw Laura Kissing him so passionately, I
immediately left the office, Thank God he did
not see me. My job basically was simple, just the
normal
work of an IT consultant. I created and
maintained Websites for clients.
Including the award winning {“kenasekblog”} I got
home early that Monday morning, I was not
feeling alright, I had this terrible headache so I
was permitted to go home. First there was this
heavy traffic, and then on getting to the rented
apartment were I lived, I met our gate locked,
since it was a compound of 6 apartments, there
was a main gate.
I felt so devastated, how was I going to cope
with my banging head and then this. I left for a
nearby Pharmaceutical store. The Pharmacist,
Phrm Bimbo was my friend and so I had no
problem. I relaxed for a while before heading
home. On my way home, I made a stop at the
nearby Suya joint, bought my package and left.
Luckily for me, on getting home, there was
power. I had some interesting DvDs, I had a
bottle of chilled coke and so there was no need
to cook. “James Bond 007? was the tittle of the
movie, I love the action part so much, mehn how
I wish I was James bond’s sister, Natasha
Bond z. After the movie, I brushed up some
office stuff
and slept.
Few minutes after I slept, I heard something
thunderous, it was like a gun was fired but then i
laid the idea to rest, it was a festive season and
so there was bond to be rockets, fireworks and
the rest of it. I heard the sound again, but this
time somebody screamed, I peeped from the
window and saw three guys on black cloths, they
looked scary, I knew they were robbers, I
switched off the lights, in fact I removed the
fuse. Although I was trembling with fear, but I
had that courage, you know after watching
James Bond’s film that feeling. I was ready to
kick an Buttocks z.
They banged Temitokpe’s door, I heard her
screaming OMG, it was a Molest. I trembled with
fear the more, all thoughts of James Bond
Vanished from my mind. I locked my door with
everything I had, picked my cell phone, hid under
the bed and dialled a police emergency number, I
informed them of the situation.
The screaming continued, I prayed silently, I was
so scared. The robbers were now next door, as I
could hear Funke; the girl next door, screaming
but her’s was kind of strange it was not even a
scream it was as if she enjoyed being raped,
from what I could hear, the rubbers took turns.
Meanwhile the Police officers were nowhere to
be found, I called the emergency number again,
and I got the same reassurance, I spoke to the
Police man with anger, I was like; what if your
daughter was being raped?? He was silent.
God and the Police were my only hope. The
Noise from Funke’s flat was now over, I could
hear footsteps approaching, I was now shaking
ehn, I urinated on my body with fear, How will I
tell the world that this criminals came in the
middle of the night and stole my “husbands
Package”? I heard one fierce deep voice saying
something
that was not audible, footsteps and sound of
someone forcing the iron bar gate at the
entrance of my apartment open was the next
thing I heard. The person struggled with it, I
heard something like a hammer hitting the
padlock,.
The metal door made that screeching sound like
a car. It Was Open. The wooden door was next,
they banged it for sometime, they used the same
object to break the lock. Finally the door was
open, they now had to push the things I waged
the door with. They banged the door open,
immediately they
entered and started screaming, asking me to
come out, they walked round the apartment
before coming to the bedroom were I was, they
opened the cupboard, pushed the bathroom
doors open, when I heard the same fierce voice
saying “Oya check under bed” , they brought a
torch light, pointed towards my direction and…
They banged the door open, immediately they
entered and started screaming, asking me to
come out, they walked round the apartment
before coming to the bedroom were I was, they
opened the cupboard, pushed the bathroom
doors open, when I heard the same fierce voice
saying “Oya check under bed” , they brought a
torch light, pointed towards my direction and
next thing, they were dragging me out of the
bed, The ‘thaft’ looking guy ordered me to pull
off or he’ll blow off my brains as he said it. I
begged, cried and even tried to scream for help
but to no avail, when I screamed, a thunderous
hand landed perfectly on my face.
The gang leader, ordered his boys to hold me
tight. He unbuttoned the oversized short sleeve
shirt I wore. I could feel his hand down my chest,
he stood up to pull his trouser when I heard
gunshots and the sound of a nearby
siren. Police thank God.
The gang members rushed out through the back
door but soon enough I heard gunshots. The
Police Officers came into the room, I thanked
them but instead they asked me to thank one
young guy who did not put on Police uniform. I
thanked him, he was nice and calm too. I
introduced myself and so did he, he was Victor.
The remainder of the night was spent arranging
my room, so that explains why I woke up 9:15am
the next day. I was not going to work that day. I
called my boss and told him exactly what
happened, he was full of sympathy, he asked me
to take the day off.
The landlord came some minutes after 10, he
apologised profusely. With him were two young
men that looked like bouncers. He introduced
them as the new security guards. They were
anything but cute. That day we had an
emergency meeting with the landlord, our doors
were going to be repaired. I left for the market,
to buy some food stuffs but by the time I was
back I saw something else that made me very
scared I saw the police, there with one guy that
looked familiar, he was the only surviving gang
member.
He was badly wounded. Funke later identified
him as her ex.
What a wicked world we live in, him and his
gang raped her just because she ‘dumped’ him.
By the time I was through with arranging my
stuffs, Diana came by, she was full of sympathy
or me. We talked about random stuff she also
told me about the new guy who got a job at our
IT firm. “He’s cute, really cute” she said. I
smiled, knowing fully well whom Diana had
become.
Diana was one of the best players I had ever
come across even the likes off Mercy Johnson,
Yvonne and co do not play the role the way she
does it. If she were to be a movie star, she
would have won countless Oscar’s. She can
make you feel guilty even after you find out that
she is cheating on you… That’s Diana for you.
I later called the Police to ask after Victor, the
young guy that saved me, but I was told he did
not leave any personal detail. He must have
been an angel I concluded. My conclusions
were soon foiled when I arrived work that
morning.
“KENNY’S EMPIRE : IT Gurus” was boldly
written. The office looked magnificent, the new
paint surely made it look nice. I greeted the
security man ; Baba segun, I looked rather
dashing as I could see my tall figure on the glass
door that sometimes served as a mirror.
Natasha, someone called, I could not really trace
the voice as it seemed to be someone far away,
I looked around me but there was no one there,
for the second time I heard my name again, as I
turned to look back, I saw Diana; Me: OMG Dian
you startled me
Diana: Sorry babes
Me: So watsupp with the office
Diana: Nothing much, apart from the new guy I
told you about
Me: What new guy?
Diana: Emm Victor
Me: Ohh
Diana: He’s really cute
Me: Dian be careful o
We joked our way till we go to the first flow, I
opened my office door, dropped my handbag and
left for Mr Akin’s office.
Me: Good morning sir
Mr Akin: (looked at me surprisingly) hey Tasha
welcome back
Me: Thank you sir
Mr Akin: So hope you are alright?
Me: Yes, thank you sir.
Mr Akin: (dials a number on his intercom and
asks someone to come to his office) There’s
someone I’ll like you to meet.
Me: Alright sir(Someone walked in, I recognised
him as the guy who called the Police) Mr Akin:
Yes Natasha this is our new employee, Vi…(…
cuts in)
Me: Victor
Mr Akin: Oh you know him
Me: Yes sir he was the one who called the
Police that night.
Mr Akin: Oh I see
Victor: Good morning
Me: Good morning
Mr Akin: So you are going to put him through
with the essentials of this organisation.
Me: Alright sir.
I left his office with victor, we often looked at
each other, when we got to my office, I told him
all he was supposed to know, I also thanked him
for the other day. Diana came in after Victor left,
we talked about random stuff until she brought
up Victor’s issue;
Diana: How you reason the boy?
Me: Reason ke
Diana: the guy is cute o
Me: I have heard that before
Diana: hmmm
Me: Don’t tell me that’s what is on your mind
Diana: No oo
Me: Dian come on you can’t lie to me, I know
you too well.
Diana: (laughing)
Me: you don still they laugh that your evil laugh
abi
Diana: Abeg make I dey go, see you later.
Diana left and finn came in with one old man,
guess he was a potential client. Sure he was, we
discussed about building a website for his hotel..
After they left, I switched on my music with my
Dr dre headsets, I was busy typing while
listening to Wizkid’s “JOY” which explains why I
did not hear Victor knock. He waved his hands to
get my attention,
Me: Sorry I had my headset on
Victor: its ok just wanted to let you know that I
was true with the stuff Mr Akin gave me to. type,
he asked me to give them to you.
Me: Ok thanks
I noticed the way he maintained eye contact and
occasionally fixed his gaze on the table.
It was 4:30pm and I was done with my work for
the day. I was about to exit the building when
someone held me from behind
I looked back and found put that it was Diana,
she was walking with Victor. He offered to give
us a ride, which we or rather she (Diana) gladly
accepted. His car, a 2008 Toyota Camry, looked
nice and also smelled good. Diana sat at the
front with him, I rolled the window at the side
were I was seated. And for the first time since
we got inside the car Victor spoke he told me he
was going to put on the AC so there was no
need to roll the glass I felt so embarrassed and
as if that was not enough Diana with her big
mouth called me a “Village Girl” Victor got the
joke and laughed about it, I felt so stupid.
As he switched the car sterio on Davido’s Song
with Uhuru sarted playing, I was already enjoying
the song when I heard Diana say;
Diana: Don’t you have christian songs?
In my mind I was like WTF* is that not Diana
that does not know the road to her church?
Victor: (Smiling) Not really
Diana: Ok o but please reduce the volume
*Na Diana wey I know be this? Hell No the Diana
I knew loved circular music especially Davido’s
songs and she love em loud* I remained silent
watching Diana’s mini drama when Victor said
Victor: I guess someone is not in the mood to
talk
Diana: Huh?
Victor: (Pointing back at me) she’s not talking I
just flashed a little smile and said “Nah” He
dropped me at my junction. I thanked but Instead
of him to say anything he winked at me. (Shey
this boy don get eye problem)
Back there at the white house were I lived I saw
my neighbours and the landlord holding a
meeting so I joined them.
Landlord: Welcome natashla (Our landlord Mr
Ekette always called me Natashla guess it was
because of his calabar tongue)
Me: Good Evening
They all responded to my greeting, I noticed that
they all had gloomy faces.
Landlord: As I was saying you all will have to
vacate this house before next week. My son just
arrived Nigeria and he wants to build me a good
house here. I now understood why they all had
long faces, I was not sad, I never liked the place.
He apologised for any inconvenience and left.
Funke rained abuses on the man after he left,
she was so bitter.
So we were going to leave the white house
finally. That evening I made Rice and ate, I
talked to Diana and some other people, there
was this guy, Sam who was supposed to just be
a client but he was doing some toasting stuff to
me he was pushing his luck too far, I wanted to
let him know that I did not like him but I just
kept my
cool. The next day was work as usual, I was
hearing some rumours about Mr Akin being
transferred to the company’s new branch at
Accra, I did not believe it so I barged in the
supposedly empty office only to find Mr Peter
Fayomi seating comfortably. He looked at me
seductively ;
Mr Pete: Natasha welcome to my office, how are
you
Me: Fine sir, Good morning, I’ll take your leave.
Mr Pete: Bye
Am in love with this girl, I heard him say as I was
leaving, my heart skipped, it must be a song lyric
I concluded.
Babes na true Ooº°? ?°ºoo I said as I barged in
on Diana only to see Finn and Rita doing some
rather unofficial stuff.
Me: If Diana catch una two for her office eh.
From nowhere Diana came out and said “let’s
stroll” we left the office
Me: So you don turn your office to brothel abi
Diana: (laughing)
Me: its Not funny oo
Diana: Relax na their new office Ooº°? ?°ºoo
Me: Ehn?
Diana: Them don change everybody, me and
Peter go they work together while you and Victor,
Finn and Rit..
Me: Ehn? Who send them change am?
Diana: Wait ma ask Google
Me: Ehen I need house o landlord don drive us o
Diana: I go find for you
Me: Thanks o
Victor came in;
Victor: Who needs a new house
Diana: She does
Me: Wait were you ears dropping?
Victor: No, I know a vacant place I could show
you there after work
Me: Thanks a lot.
Victor: Mention not.
After work we left as planned, when we got to
the supposed house, he showed me the place, it
looked nice and it was also affordable.
Someone, a guy came in and shook hands with
Victor while hailing him, I looked at him, I was so
shocked at who it was…
Me: Max is that you? (You remember MaX? My
ex?? Yes Max)
Max: Jeez Natasha wowWe hugged for what
seemed like eternity, he looked wey bigger now,
Me: what are you doing here?
Max: I live here for now
Victor: Hello
Max: Sorry man, meet Natasha
Victor: I know, I brought her here
Max: My ex, (he added)
Victor: wao, Ex?
Me: Yes, so how is Pearl?
Max: (Laughing sarcastically) Pearl?
Me: Yes
Victor: She’s Fine
Me: You know her
Victor: Perhaps
We went to Max’s apartment, it was well
furnished and looked like the typical guys
apartment with lots of chelsea banner and logo.
Victor excused himself, 3 mins later he came
back, looking relaxed, he changed his office
cloths too. He also lived in the place.
The next day was work as usual, I met the
landlord and we agreed a price funny enough
Victor was the landlord weird right? Yep it
happened that it was one of his Dad’s properties
yap his Dad was rich like that, then why did he
need a bloody ICT job?
I Packed into the nice looking self contain
apartment on saturday, Diana helped with most
of the things so did Victor and Max, Victor was
busy working like he was the one packing into
the apartment, maybe he was trying to impress
Diana. Meanwhile Max kept staring at me, I
wonder if he was watching an imaginary movie
on my forehead.
That evening I slept off only to wake up at 7pm.
Lucky enough for me there was still soup in the
refrigerator which I wormed and ate, just as I
was about to return the plates I heard a knock,
I ran to drop them and took my baseball stick. I
had one ever since those rubbers invaded my
former apartment.
Me: who is there
There was still no answer so I decided to peep,It
was Max with his giant headsets which probably
explains why he did not answer.
I opened the door, and he stretched his hands for
a hug, which I obliged to.
He sat on the couch close to me and we started
talking about things, life and relationships until
he looked me in the eyes
and said;
Max: I love you
(I looked so absent minded)
Me: huh?
Max: Yes I do
Me: where is Pearl?
Max: Umm we broke up
Me: Really? Why?
Max: Long story
Me: Ok if you say so.
Max was now looking at me seductively, he
stared at my chest obviously looking at you know
what. He moved closer, he was begging to look
creepy to me, he held my hands in a way that
they interlocked, leaned forward and tried to kiss
me, I turned my face to signify my lack of
interest I could see the disappointment in his
face, just then he spoke
Max: What?
Me: I can’t
Max: Is it because of Victor?
Me: What do you mean
Max: Common, he loves you and you obviously
love him too
Me: No I don’t
Max: Am not dumb, why else do you think he’ll
take such a job when his Dad is bloody Rich? It
soon dawned on me that Victor was up to
something…
Me: Maxwell what do you mean by what you
just said?
Max: Ask him
With this he left my apartment and banged the
door after him. “Boys” I thought to myself,
always making up things just to get what they
want.
Next morning I wanted to hear from Victor, why
he still took the job even when his Dad is Rich
enough to employ him and pay him X 10.
I ate my Cornflakes in peace and without hurry or
stress. I looked at the time and I was already
running late, I rushed my food and as soon as I
was through I heard someone’s horn blaring, it
was Victor’s. Since we lived in the same
compound now we can as well go to work
together #Transport Saved
I locked my door ‘Hastingly’ and entered his car.
Me: Good morning
Victor: Good morning ma
Me: Ma?
Victor: Yes, Ma
Me: Last I checked I was not married
Victor: Says who?
Me: You are not serious.
I was trying to converse and also looking for a
way to ask him. So I had to just twist the
question, somehow
Me: Can I ask a question?
Vic: Yes, why not
Me: How come you have a car, and a good
apartment and still work with us @ K.E
Vic: Hmm
Me:: Am sorry if am prying into your private life
Vic: It’s ok, you see my dad gave me the car, as
a birthday gift and the job, I just want to gather
enough experience for the task ahead.
Me: What task
Vic: My dad has just finished with my own IT
company so I have until next month, that’s why
am working with you.
Me: Working with me?
Vic: You don’t think the rescheduling was a
random stuff
Me: What?
Vic: Yap
We were driving in silence until he started playing
Wizkid’s ‘Ojuelegba’
Vic: Hope you don’t mind
Me: Not at all
Vic: Ok, your friend Diana, is she always like
that??
Me: You should ask her.
Vic: I see we have a loyal bestie here
Me: (laughing) Na you sabi
Vic: Wao its good to know you are loosing up
Me: was I tied
Vic: Yes na
We talked until we got to the office. Since we
now shared the office, we basically left the
house, to the car and then the office, meanwhile
I was wary of what would happen if Diana found
out that I have been this close to her ‘crushee’.
For the first time since I knew her she fell in
love.
Speaking of Diana, I haven’t seen her since
morning, I turned to victor who was smiling at
his phone like someone who just left Yaba left
and is heading to Uselu.
Me: have you seen Diana
Vic: She would be coming late today
(He obviously saw d surprised look on my face )
Vic: She sent a text
Me: ooh
Vic: Yap
I was still wondering why she did not text me
instead of texting Victor when he said “I hope
someone is not jealous”, “jealous?” I replied
trying to figure out what he meant by jealous as
though it was my first time of hearing the word.
“You know, she texting me instead of her loyal
bestie” he said still looking at his phone, “Nah its
ok, and by the way stop calling me loyal”
“ok am sorry, but really I think you are a good
friend”
“Thanks” I replied his rather unconvincing
comment
Vic: You know I don’t have any friends apart
from max
Me: Max, hmm
Vic: yap max and you
Me: Max and Diana you mean?
Vic: (smiling) Max and Natasha
Me: Good for you
We chatted for some time because we had no
real work to do that day, he taught me cool
stuffs and with that we called it a day.
As usual he we went home together. I was
beginning to enjoy his company. He stretched his
arm for a hug, I moved closer to him, like I
wanted to hug him and whispered “Keep
dreaming” he smiled, and then left for his own
apartment.
You know those kinda overnight sickness that
happens and you won’t be able to explain how it
happen? Yeah, I was not feeling normal anymore.
I picked up my phone and the only person I could
call was victor. As I had expected he rushed me
to the hospital. Faith Family Hospital, a huge
sign post read. As we the nurse and victor
carried me like a pregnant woman who was due
to deliver two gentlemen, Doctors came over and
instructed the nurse to assign me to room 17.
When we got there, after about two minutes, the
nurse came with two injection needles that made
me shiver, they were huge. As they pierced into
my soft skin, I soon felt the need to sleep, guess
it was a sleeping drug.
Next morning I woke up only to hear someone
snoring like there was no tomorrow. I tried to
hold my breath to make it stop, but as I did I
soon discovered that victor was still by my
bedside and I was not the one snoring. You know
now, how they do it in American movies I
shook his hand that was lying carelessly close to
my thighs, he immediately jolted up;
Me: Good morning, Sorry but you did not have to
wait
Vic: I wanted to, good morning
Me: No work today
Vic: that can wait
Me: Are you sure
Vic: you know what just keep quite and relax a
little bit, doctor says you can go home today.
The doctor came in , just about time I thought to
myself,
“Young man, you and your wife can go home
today, she will be discharged very soon”. I
wanted to object to the fact that he just called
Victor my husband but the sheepish look on
Victor’s face said otherwise.
We left the hospital at about 3:45pm, were we
left for home. It was a silent drive as thoughts of
wife he stayed till daybreak at the hospital filled
my mind, I was not sure why, but if he’s doing
this to impress me, then he is doing a fantastic
job, am beginning to like him *winks*
Just as we got home Diana was already waiting
there, I was glad that finally she’ll be helping
with the cooking today but I was wrong.
Victor helped me to my apartment while Diana
stood at one corner transfixed like someone
seeing his own Ghost.
“Dian” I hailed but she did not respond all she did
was to shake her head as though in intense pity
for me.
I reached for my bed and lay peacefully, waiting
for Dian to come. Just then I heard two people
shouting, I recognised them as victor and Diana’s
voice, but I could not decipher the words they
spoke. I heard the gate make a loud bang and
just then victor came in;
Vic: You know your friend is a “psycho’
Me: Who?
Vic: Who else Diana of course
I starred at him in partial shock, trying to think of
why he’s calling her a psycho.
My phone rang, it was Dian, I was sighed heavily
as I picked up the phone and answered it, Victor
just starred at me with those bright eyes of his.
Me: Dian howfar
Dian: Save it, what have you been doing with
Victor?
Me: What do you mean?
Dian: Don’t pretend
Me: What’s wrong with you?
Dian: Just leave my boyfriend alone.
The word boyfriend echoed in my ear as I looked
at victor, by now tears flowed from my eyes, I
was angry for no reason or perhaps it was
because I was loosing my best friend and also
because I was now falling in love with Victor and
here he was dating my best friend. One thing is
certain I’ll either win or loose.
Victor: Why are you crying?
Me: Am I? (Trying to wipe of the tears from my
eyes)
Victor: Stop pretending
Me: I should stop pretending, look who says I
should stop pretending, so you have been dating
Diana?
He looked so shocked and was not smiling
anymore
Victor: It’s not what you think
Me: Not what I think? What should I think? That
you have been dating Diana all along, or is it a
lie?
I bombarded him with so many questions, I was
raging (anger at it’s peak)
Victor: Why do you even care? Not like we are
dating or something.
I looked at him as more tears flowed freely from
my eyes I was shocked to say the least. He
looked disappointed as he left my apartment.
My phone rang again, but this time it was Mum,
Me: Good afternoon ma
Mum: Good afternoon o jare
Me: Hope everything is fine?
Mum: Yes
Me This one you are calling me, it is suspicious
Mum: (laughing quite audible) so I cannot call
my daughter?
Me: Depends
Mum: Na your own you they, you need to come
home
Me: What for?
Mum: Job interview
Me: Ehn? Job ke, interview ni
Mum: Be ni and ke there, you are going to do
your interview next week monday.
Me: I have a job here
Mum: you don’t have to rent an apartment again
you can go from home, times two salary all you
have to do is drop something at the end of the
month (laughing)
Me: Drop for who
Mum: Me of course na ok you want to eat my
food and stay in my house free abi
Me: Mummy mummy, ok I will come on saturday.
Mum: no come tomorrow.
Me: Are you already missing me?
Mum: Na you know.
As soon as I was done with the call I arranged
my things and called Diana but she was not
picking so I sent her an apology text.
I called Max to inform him of my travelling
tomorrow since he was the “House lord” he was
not a landlord just a house lord lol.
Next morning I woke up to someone knocking at
my door, I opened the door and was shocked at
who I saw.
Next morning I woke up to someone knocking at
my door, I opened the door and was shocked at
who I saw,
Pearl stood out there, she looked different now
but I can still remember her. Behind her was
Max.
“Good morning” I greeted, ” Good morning” they
chorused, Me: wait have you been in Max’s
apartment?
Pearl: Yes I came yesterday evening so I decided
to say hello before going.
Me: Hmm I hope this boy (pointing at max) did
not do anything silly.
She chuckled and said “I’ll be heading to lagos
today”.
I wanted to say am also heading to lagos until I
heard her say “Me and Victor” oo that’s nice I
said.
Max: Natasha I thought you were also going to
Lag
Me: Not now sha
Pearl: Ok see yah
She hugged Max and waved her hands toward
me.
As she left I dragged max back
Me: I thought you said you broke up with her?
Max: Relax she came to see victor
Me: Really? Is he also dating her?
Max: Ask him now, shey he is your padi?
I packed my clothes in my louis vutton mini bag
as I left for the nearest park to lagos, Max
helped me with the bag.
When we got to the park he handed the bag over
and I gave him a peck. The guy was just blushing
lol.
The “Big joe” bus left Benin at about 12:59pm.
During the journey, there were some funny police
road blocks “Nigerians will understand what I
mean” some twenty naira notes were carefully
arranged close to the driver and after passing
every road block, the money pile decreased.
I sat at the back seat close to the window were I
slept, I woke up when I heard someone moaning
slightly. I saw hands moving, I rubbed my eyes to
get a clear image of what was happening when I
saw two people, male and female, doing some
funny things inside the bus. I went back to my
dream land only to be woken up by something
more fierce. Sounds of bullets filled the air as
our bus came to a halt. I was still trying to figure
out what was going on when I heard a fierce
male voice shouting, the two people by my side
whispered to each other probably in fear.
“Rubbers” the bus driver screamed. “Oya make
una come down” one of the rubbers screamed
we all filled out, the asked the girls to come one
way and the boys the other, I was 3rd in the girls
line, the girl by my side in the bus was in front of
me. I don’t know why the Police did not patrol at
that time as I was very scared. The leader of the
gang looked at her and smiled, then he said “Oya
pull of or I blow your brains” he led her back
inside the bus were they had an uncontrollable
s*x. I wonder why she was busy saying “yeah,
ouch, faster, oh, come on” instead of her to be
crying, I guess she was enjoying it. Meanwhile
the guy she was doing it with back in the bus
was crying lol. The robbery turn Molest lasted
for 1hour after which we began our journey
again. This guy and the girl quarrelled till we got
to our destination.
I took a cab that got me home at about 5:30pm.
Mummy would not let me rest o, she was worried
about the robbery on the way I had to gist her
about it all, she laughed without control when I
told her about the Molest.
She prepared my favourite Egusi soup and
pounded yam.
Later that day I saw Victor’s missed call but I did
not call back, guess I was still angry with him.
**Monday**
Monday came so soon, I got ready to go, mum
prayed with me. I got there on time “Genesis IT”
the logo read.
The office was well furnished, there seemed to
be no staff apart from the receptionist that was
doubling as a secretary. “Are you here for the
interview?” She asked, “yes I am” I replied
“please go in” she said pointing to the door by
her right. As I opened the door still holding the
door nub, I was shocked at who I saw there…
I was still in a trance when Victor spoke
Victor: Welcome to my office
Me: Good morning
Victor: Good morning, you didn’t tell me that you
needed a job
Me: Mum asked me to come
Vic: Am sorry for what I said, I shouldn’t have
said it am truly sorry
Me: it’s ok
Vic: Natasha I truly love you.
*Gbum gbum my heart raced*
Me: I love you too, but what of Diana.
He did not answer instead he picked up his
phone and made a call, someone was coming,
that I was sure of. The door was soon open, as
Diana came in, this was yet another surprise as I
saw her, she was looking her usual self.
Dian: Tasha watsup
Me: I dunno
Diana: Am sorry for what happened, it was all a
prank
Me: what?
Dian: Am sorry just wanted to see if u would fall
for him. Remember when he came in first you did
not like him.
Victor: Am happy we are all happy.
Me: Yeah.
I worked with Victor in his new firm, Diana found
a new catch, Max left the country as he earlier
said and before I forget remember the white
house?? The Molest?? It was all planned by the
landlord and his gang…
***The END***


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket.


“What? Why would you want so many martinis?” questioned the bartender.


“My horse likes them,” replied the cowboy, “and he’s tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him.”


So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis. “If you don’t mind,” he said, “I’d like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes.”


“Be my guest,” said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply.


“Darnedest thing I ever saw,” said the bartender. “Why don’t you come back in and I’ll mix you a few on the house.”


“No, I couldn’t do that,” said the man. “But thanks anyway.”


“What’s the matter?” asked the bartender. “Don’t you like martinis?”


“Love’em,” replied the cowboy, “but I gotta drive.”Related
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