#Adult Jokes Hashtag:
While out one mornin …. [Read it]
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”Related
This Guy leaves the …. [Read it]
This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work.
He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.
“Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?” the bartender asked.
“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we’re just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers.”Related
The wife came home e …. [Read it]
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.’
And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!!
And the husband began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘ Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’Related
The old couple were …. [Read it]
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.”
“Uh huh,” said the old man.
We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.
“Uh huh,” said the old man.
And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.
“That`s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, `It`s too big, it`s too big!`”Related
Danny discovers his …. [Read it]
Danny discovers his wife is cheating with another guy, so he goes to the guy’s wife and tells her about it.
“I know what we will do,” she says. “Let’s take revenge on them.”
So they go to a motel and take revenge.
After 10 mins, she says, “Let’s take more revenge,” and they take revenge again.
So like this, they kept taking more & more revenge…
After 5 times, Danny was lying spent, and she said, “Lets take revenge again.”
Danny said,”I cant… I have no more hard feelings left !!!!”Related
The sheriff of a sma …. [Read it]
The sheriff of a small town pulled over the Governor in his Porsche who was driving 85 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The adventurous Governor behind the wheel was steaming mad when he was stopped.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you stopped me! I am the Governor of this state! This town must be the butthole of the world!”
The magistrate looked at him and replied, “And you must be what’s passing through.”Related
The funeral parlor c …. [Read it]
The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.
Well she said, “Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass”.
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear, “I told you it hurt you old fucker!”Related
Donald Duck and Dais …. [Read it]
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”
Donald frowned and said, “No.”
Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.
“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
“Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them on your bill?”
“Thit No!” Donald quacked, “I’ll thuffocate!”Related
A beautiful young gi …. [Read it]
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She`s laid on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room, the nurse leaves her behind the surgery room door and goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man, wearing a white coat, approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examination. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says, “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders, “I have no idea. We`re just painting the corridor.”Related
Santa and Banta are …. [Read it]
Santa and Banta are in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.
Santa energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a “| ” mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a ” | ” on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
Santa wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another ” | ” on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, Banta barges into Santa`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, “A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by only three!”Related
There are these thre …. [Read it]
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.
So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend.
And she says, “I call my man 7-up.”
They ask her,” Why do you call your man that?”
She says, “Because he’s seven inches long and is always up.”
They ask the second girl what she calls her man.
She says, “I call my man Mountain Dew.”
They ask, “Why do you call your man that?”
She says, “Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me.”
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, “I like to call my man Johnnie Walker.”
They look at her puzzled and say, “Why do you call your man that? Johnnie Walker is a Hard Liquor.”
Se says, “Exactly.”Related
Two old drunks were …. [Read it]
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
“By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”
“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”Related
“I`ve had it with my …. [Read it]
“I`ve had it with my wife.” said the one drinking buddy to the other. “I`m filing for an divorce.”
“Sorry to hear that pal, may I ask why?” asked his partner.
“I found her supply of birth control pills,” said the first.
“Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can`t see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin.”
“It ain`t just that,” stormed Frank. “I had a vasectomy over five years ago.”Related
Santa and Banta meet …. [Read it]
Santa and Banta meet after many years. Banta asks Santa, “How have things been going?”
Santa speaking very slowly tells Banta, “I wa.aa..sss aaal.m.ooo.sst mmm.aa.rrr. ii.e.ddd”
Banta says in amazement, “Hey; you don`t stutter any more.”
Santa, ” Y..ee.sss, I ww..e..nn..ttt to a ddd.o.c.ttt.o.rrr. aa.n.ddd h.ee t.oo.l.dd mm.e t.h.aa.ttt i.ff I s.pp.e.a.kkk.. s.ll.o.w.ll.yyy I w.i.llll nn.o.tt sss.t.u.t.t.e.rrr
Banta congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
Ww.e.lll mm..y fff.i..a.n.c.eee a.n.dd I ww.e.r.e ss.i..ttt..iinn.ggg onn h.err pp.o.rr.c.h aa.n.ddd tt.h.e ddd.o.gg w.a.sss sss.c.r.a.tt.c.hh.i.n.gg hh..i..ss bb.a.c.kk aa.n.dd I tto.o.l.dd h.e.rr tt.h.aaa.tt ww.h.e.nn w.eee aa.rr.e m.a.rrr.i.e.dd ss.h.ee c.aa.nn d.oo tt.h.a.tt f.o.rr mm.e aa.n.d ss.h..ee tt.h.r.e.w tt.h.e rrr.ii.n.gg i.nn m.y ff.a.c.e”
“Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks Banta.”
Ww.e.lll I sss.p.e.a.kk ss.o sl.o.w.ll.y, tt.h.a.tt bb.y tt.h.e ttt.i.mm.e ss.h..e ll.ooo.kk.e.dd at tt.h.e dd.o.g, h.e ww.a.s ll.i.c.k.i.nn.gg hh.i.s bb.a.l.ll.ss.”Related
Santa is standing, p …. [Read it]
Santa is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town. A cop comes up to him and says “Stop that and put it away!”
Poor Santa shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk Santa starts laughing
“Okay, what`s so funny?” asks the cop.
“Fooled you.” says Santa, “I put it away, but I didn`t stop.”Related
Sarena: Hi! How are …. [Read it]
Sarena: Hi! How are you?
Romalda: Fine. But I think I have a sore throat.
Sarena: I know what to do. Every time when I have a sore throat I’m having an oral sex with my husband and it helps me!
Romalda: The great idea, I will try…
>>On the second day:
Sarena: Well, how do you feel? Did it help?
Romalda: Yes, thank you very much, my throat is all right. But your husband couldn’t believe that it was your idea!Related
A mother and her son …. [Read it]
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don`t big planes have baby planes?
The mother (who couldn t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don`t big planes have baby planes?
The stewardess asked, Did your mother tell you to ask me?
He said that his mother had.
So the stewardess said, Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.Related
My girlfriend and me …. [Read it]
My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can`t overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn`t say a word.
So, she said, I`ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door… I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn`t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.Related
Q: My husband wants …. [Read it]
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing – your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continuously asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interstingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than spending a few days away from home (plus it’s a great time to clean the house). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is for your and your best friend to perform oral sex on him, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it during your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at all times without any strings attached. What this probably means is that you do not love your husband as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you could make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I’m not sure I understand your problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.Related
A blonde completed f …. [Read it]
A blonde completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.
Her friend said, “You’re beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?”
“Because,” explained the blonde, “he is the first man that ever said to me ‘SPIT, don’t SWALLOW’.”Related
Bill Clinton and Al …. [Read it]
Bill Clinton and Al Gore were riding down a country road. Bill happened to look out the window and seen a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Bill hollers at the driver to stop the car. As the car stops Bill leans over and tells Al that he would be right back and then jumps out of the car. He runs up to the goat, drops his pants, and screws the goat for about ten minutes. As Bill walks back to the limo, he sees Al staring at the goat.
Al asks, “That looks like fun, can I try?”
Bill said sure and Al jumped out of the limo, dropped his pants, and stuck his head into the fence.Related
Santa, who had been …. [Read it]
Santa, who had been away on an official trip in a small town, got a message from his company that his trip has been prolonged for an extra month.
He was already getting bored with the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o’clock and over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick. Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town.
He entered and handed the madam thousand rupees and requested, “Can you give me the worst performing, most lethargic, disinterested whore in the house.”
The madam says, “Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can you can have the best we have if you like.”
“No, no,” says Santa, “you don’t understand, actually I’m not horny, I’m married and just homesick.”Related
Man 1: I am getting …. [Read it]
Man 1: I am getting married. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?
Man 2: Get an ‘Irish Virginity Test’ Kit.
Man 1: What’s that?
Man 2: It contains a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint and a Hammer.
Man 1: That sounds crazy! How can virginity be tested with that?
Man 2: Paint your right ball Red and left ball Blue… and as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, ‘that’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen, hit her on her head with the hammer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Related
A father and his thr …. [Read it]
A father and his three beautiful blonde daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says,
“If you don`t do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry.”
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said,
“If you don`t do it with me, I`ll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry.”
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said,
“If you don`t have sex with me, I`ll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry.”
“Green juice?” He asked, “Why Green?”
She replied, “Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh.”Related
One day, when Johnni …. [Read it]
One day, when Johnnie came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about sexual education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Johnnie went up to his room. A little later, Johnnie’s mom went up to his room to call him for dinner. She opens his door and sees him playing with himself.
She says, “Johnnie, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”Related
A man stops by a din …. [Read it]
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, “How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?”
The man says, “Two’s fine.”
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. “And cream?” she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, “You wouldn’t dare!”Related
All of these are leg …. [Read it]
All of these are legitimate companies, who didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear! They are hysterical! These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. ‘Who Represents’ is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.
Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
2. ‘Experts Exchange’ is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views.
Their website address is: www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ‘Pen Island’.
It can be found at: www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try ‘Therapist Finder’ at: www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there’s the ‘Italian Power Generator’ company. Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com
6. ‘IP computer’ software, there’s always: www.ipanywhere.com
7. And the designers at ‘Speed of Art’ await you at their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.comRelated
I spent $5,000 on a …. [Read it]
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn’t thank me enough.
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she
goes fucking nuts! Women, I can’t figure them outRelated
Pappu Is Dating With …. [Read it]
Pappu Is Dating With His New Girlfriend In Hotel Room.
Girl Friend: “I Demand Good Manners In Bed, Just Like At The Dinner Table”
Pappu Climbs Into Bed Slowly & Says: “Honey, Would You Pass The Balls Please?“Related
A biker went to a ba …. [Read it]
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”
She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.”
Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”Related
Our supermarket had …. [Read it]
Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
“Don’t worry, lady,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system:
“Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”Related
Two Crocodiles were …. [Read it]
Two Crocodiles were sitting by the side of the swamp near the river.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big Croc, “What have you been eating?”
“Generals, same as you,” replied the small Croc.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the HQ Building.”
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their staff cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a General, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!”Related
Three girls died and …. [Read it]
Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl.
“Oh yes”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl …the golden key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the second girl.
“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl … the silver key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the third girl.
“Oh no, not at all,” she said. “I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”
“Very good,” said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl … my room key.”Related
Little Johnny is vis …. [Read it]
Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm.
He races into the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad: “Hey Granddad, the bull is fucking the cow.”
Granddad informs Johnny that he won’t tolerate this sort of playground language on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him about such things he should say something like: “Granddad the bull is surprising the cow.”
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm. Once again he comes racing in and yells: “Granddad the bull is surprising the cows.”
Granddad says to Johnny: “I’m pleased to hear that after my with you a few weeks ago you have cleaned up your language. However, your grammar is not quite correct. It is not ‘The bull is surprising the cows,’ it’s ‘The bull is surprising the cow.’ The bull can only surprise one cow at a time.”
Johnny replies: “No Granddad, the bull is surprising all the cows because he’s fucking the horse.”Related
There’s a few guys w …. [Read it]
There’s a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp… Then he turned to Bob and said, “Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week… I can’t believe it.”
At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad, she’s cut some guys out all together”Related
A woman was having s …. [Read it]
A woman was having sex with her lover in her apartment. Suddenly she heard her husband arrive, She told her lover, stay like statue and Don’t move.
Husband, “Who is this?”
Wife, “This is a robot I bought to have sex, when you are travelling.”
Husband, “Ok, let’s have sex now.”
Wife, “No sweetheart, yesterday I got my period, So I will go & make a cup of coffee 4 you.”
After she left the husband said, “Damn it I’m so horny, I will fuck this robot!”
He tried fucking.
The lover started talking in a metallic robotic way, “”SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE! SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE.”
Husband, “Damn! Robot is not working properly, I’m throwing it out of the window.”
The lover realised that he was on the 20th floor so he said, “SOFTWARE UPDATED” PLEASE TRY AGAIN.”Related
Ek ladki chemist sho …. [Read it]
Ek ladki chemist shop pe jati hai aur bolti hai: “Aapke pass 12 inch ka condom hai?”
Shopkeeper: “Haan hai, boliye kitne de dun?”
Ladki: “Arey nahin, nahin… Mujhe nahi chahiye par mera mobile number note kar lo.
Shopkeeper: “Vo Kyun, Main karunga iska?
Ladki: “Jo bhi ye condoms purchase kare usko mera mobile number de dena.”Related
The Matchmaker goes …. [Read it]
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
“Mr Smith, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,” replies Mr Smith, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ‘two sisters,’ I didn’t say they were MY sisters!”Related
The wife of an older …. [Read it]
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.
The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, “Listen, I don’t do this for everyone, but since your husband’s on his way out… Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed.”
The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, “Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin.”Related
An engaged couple we …. [Read it]
An engaged couple were at the bride to be’s family home doing wedding planning stuff. The mother and father had to leave after a while. The bride to be, realized she needed more envelopes for the invitations.
“I’m going to run into town with Suzy. You just go ahead and stay here.” she told her fiancee.
After she left her eighteen year old sister came down. She was smokin hot, and wearing a slutty little getup. She had always been a bit catty towards him, but today she was giving him a look he’d only seen in her older sisters eyes before.
“Everyone going to be gone a while…” she said smiling. “Why don’t you come upstairs and have one last fling before you get married.” She winked at him as his jaw dropped. Halfway up the stairs she dropped her panties and tossed them down towards him.
Sitting there in astonishment he watched her go upstairs. The next thing you know he bolted for the front door.
Outside was his finacee, her best friend Suzy, and his future in-laws.
The father grabbed him in a big hug and said “Son! Welcome to the family. Sorry I had to do that, and get everyone in but I had to make sure you were really as good a guy as my daughter has said.”
The moral of the story is Always keep your condoms in your car.Related