#Marriage jokes Hashtag:


Doctor: I would advise you, Madam, to take frequent baths, plenty of fresh air and dress in cool gowns.

Husband (an hour later): What did the doctor say?

Wife: He said I ought to go to the Bahamas; and afterwards to the mountains and to buy some new light gowns at once!Related

Jimmy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks Jimmy, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Jimmy replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty two; your hair, twenty three; and your figure, eighteen.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Jimmy his reward, he stops her by saying…

“WHOA, hold on there sweety!”Jimmy interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet!”Related

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?

2nd Soldier: I didn’t have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!Related

Wife: You had lunch?

Husband: You had lunch?

Wife: I’m asking you.

Husband: I’m asking you.

Wife: Are you copying me?

Husband: Are you copying me?

Wife: I love you.

Husband: I had lunch!

>>Thats how the realtionships are these days, so I recommend dont marry just believe in liv’in relationship ????Related

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.


The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”


The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.


The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!”


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.Related

Every time I talk to my wife, my mind reminds me that… this conversation will be recorded for “Training and Quality purposes”!Related

Superb thought.

For every idiot there is an equal and opposite idiot. They are called husband and wife.Related

Jeeto: Did you go shopping for my birthday present?

Santa: Yeah, and I found a perfect thing for you.

Jeeto: You’re such a darling. And what exactly is it?

Santa: Nothing!Related

Before marriage – She expects.

After marriage – She suspects.

After death – She respects.Related

What a Contradiction:

If a wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.

And if a husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy!Related

Some women are so concerned about their husband’s happiness
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that they hire a private detective to find out as to who is responsible for it!Related

“What did you buy your husband for his birthday?”

“Well, knowing he wanted a diary, I bought him one that locked; he’s so particular about his notes.”

“And surely you bought something for yourself?”

“Oh, yes; I bought myself a duplicate key for the diary.”Related

Two men r talking.

1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.

2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons!Related

Wife: I should have married a devil. Even, he would have made a better husband than you.

Husband: But honey, marriage between relatives is morally considered wrong in our culture!Related

Banta: What is the definition of a husband?

Santa: A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted!Related

A woman suddenly wakes up at the dead of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.

Alarmed, she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table – with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears in deep thought, just staring at the wall…

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, and solemnly says: “Do you remember 25 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 15?”

“Yes I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses – the words were not coming easily: “Do you remember when your father caught us while we were dating together?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, taking a chair beside him.

The husband continued. “Do you remember when your dad shoved the shotgun in my face and threatened: ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 25 years?”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly, feelings of affection swelling in her…

He wiped another tear from his cheek, sighed deeply and added sadly: “Well, today I would have been released…”Related

Dear Married People,

Buddha had to invent a whole new religion to escape his wife that’s how difficult it is!Related

Chess is the only game which reflects the true status of a husband…

The poor King can take only one step at a time;

While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes!Related

1 Saasu maa Apne 3 Damado ka pyar dekhne k liye

dariya me kood gayi 1 damad ne bacha liya…

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Saas ne use Car di 2nd day fir kudi

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2nd damad ne bachaya, to bike mili..

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3rd day fir kudi..

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3rd damad ne socha “Cycle hi reh gayi hai, kya fayda” Aur saas doob gayi Agle din us damad ko Mercedes

mili

Kaise..???

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Sasur ne di…:/ :pRelated

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.


Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…or what?”


“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.Related

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
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where would you go
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to lunch or to a movie?Related

Wife: Tum toh mujhe shaadi ke pehle se jaante the, kya main badal gayi hoon?

Hubby: Shaadi ke pehle you were a real ‘Chick’… but now you are always “Chick Chick Chick”!Related

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.


The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.


They looked at the third man and he said, “I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.”


Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.


The man replied, “Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, ‘Come out and fight like a man!'”Related

Even your own wife is beautiful,

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it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.Related

Santa: I sent love letters to my girlfriend everyday for 3 years.


Banta: Then what happened?


Santa: She married the ‘postman’!Related

Banta: My 9 year old son told me a girl was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong.

Santa: I think he’s ready for marriage!Related

Wife: Honey, let’s go to watch Ek Villain today.


Husband: But you said your mom isn’t in town!Related

Every wife is a ‘Mistress’ for her husband.

‘Miss’ for one hour and ‘Stress’ for the 23 hours.Related

What’s the difference between Poetry and Essay?

Any word uttered by a Girlfriend is Poetry while anything said by Wife is Essay.Related

Johnny is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, he manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Johnny to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, “His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”

The next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

“Mom!” Johnny yells. “The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.”

“I know.” said his mother. “The other ten are for your father.”Related

Dear Ladies,

Please feed your man well… because a fat man can’t run away!Related

The only mistake for which people are congratulated is ‘Marriage’!Related

Wife: If I die first, I want you to promise to let my mother ride in the first car with you at the funeral procession.

Husband: OK, but it will totally ruin my day.Related

Hi Uncle Tom,

I am a lady aged 26, I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home, I drove for just about 2 km from home & my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another car, when I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid, I don’t know what to do now please help me.
From Anonymous


Uncle Tom’s Reply:

Dear Anonymous,

Over heating of the engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator, you need to check the oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey, you must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future hope this helps.Related

Call from a bank….

“Hello Mam”.
We are offering you credit card with best deals!!!.
1. No annual charges
2. No interest on balance for three months
3. Big credit limit
4. No penalties for over spending.

Smart reply by the my wife
” No thanks “.
I have husband…
1. With no lifetime charges
2. No spending limit
3. No penalties and the most important is
4. No repayment forever.

Line cut without a word????????????????Related

Heated Gold is called Ornament;

Beated Copper is called Wire;

Compressed Carbon is called Diamond;

And Heated, Beated and Compressed Person is called Husband!Related

Every time you talk to your wife, you should remember that…

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“This conversation will be recorded for your Training and Quality monitoring purpose. And it can be used against you
even after 30 years!”Related

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.


She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”


The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.


She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Bob has been missing since Friday.Related

You don’t marry one person, you marry three:

The person you think they are;

The person they are;

And the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you!Related

Some people can’t decide – whether weekdays are hectic or weekends. These people are called married men!Related
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